Self-Concept and Self-Esteem in Human Relations Chapter 2 PDF

2 C HA P TE R T WO SELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEM IN HUMAN RELATIONS LEARNING OBJECTIVES After studying this chapter, you will be able to: LO 2-1 Define self-concept. LO 2-2 Identify the four areas of the self-concept....

2 C HA P TE R T WO SELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEM IN HUMAN RELATIONS LEARNING OBJECTIVES After studying this chapter, you will be able to: LO 2-1 Define self-concept. LO 2-2 Identify the four areas of the self-concept. LO 2-3 Describe the real and ideal selves. LO 2-4 Explain the importance of pleasing yourself and others. LO 2-5 Define self-esteem. LO 2-6 Discuss the relationship between self-esteem and work performance. LO 2-7 Distinguish among different types of self-esteem. LO 2-8 Explain the origins of your self-esteem. S T R AT EG I ES F O R SUCCESS Strategy 2.1 Steps toward Achieving Higher Self-Esteem Strategy 2.2 Steps toward Combating Low Self-Esteem 26 In the Workplace: First-day Jitters SITUATION herself—and that she was worthy of respect Lena had been looking forward to a career in and friendliness from others. If her opinion medical transcription ever since she learned of herself was bad, others would assume bad about the health information technology things about her. If it was good, they would field at her ninth-grade Careers Day. With her see the good in her. This strategy improved two-year degree completed and good recom- her feelings of self-worth. mendation letters from her instructors, she Lena discovered something else about the was hired after interviewing with just three company and its employees: that many, if not transcription companies. Today was her first all, of the employees also needed to boost day of work, and she was excited as she set their own feelings of self-worth. Lena began up to begin work at her computer station. But her excite- to pay attention to the things she said to her co-workers and ment turned to nervousness and then panic as she realized supervisors, especially while she was still getting to know her she was not familiar with the software the new company way around. She would ask herself, “Am I saying things in used, and she couldn’t remember any of the medical codes a way that will make this person like herself better, or am she had learned. “What made me think I could do this job?” I making her feel threatened and resentful of me?” By the she thought to herself. “All the other transcribers know what end of her first evaluation period, Lena had made many new they’re doing. I’ll never catch on. I might as well quit right friends and was feeling right at home in her new job. now before they realize what an idiot I am.” THINK ABOUT IT DISCOVERY How can your opinion of yourself affect your self- esteem? How much does your self-esteem affect the As time went on, Lena found a strategy that helped her com- ways that others react to you? bat these negative feelings and thoughts. Instead of thinking the worst about fitting in and learning her job, she decided Think about former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt’s to think that she would be a good employee, and that her famous quote, “No one can make you feel inferior co-workers and supervisors would accept and appreciate without your consent.” What does this mean? Do you her. She learned that other people accepted her opinion of agree or disagree? 27  REAL WORLD EXAMPLE 2.1 Rosa yells at her co-worker Gail in front of everyone in the changes as she starts to think that she is an unprofessional office for not filling up the paper tray in the printer. Several and irritable employee. This makes her feel awkward around printer jobs are now backed up, and Rosa is going to have Gail and others in the office, which reduces her self-concept to wait for the document she is in a hurry to print. After- even more. This whole chain of events also threatens her ward, Rosa feels bad about yelling at Gail. Her self-concept self-esteem. WHAT IS SELF-CONCEPT? self-concept Self-concept is the way you conceive of (or see) yourself; this view of yourself is The way you picture yourself the foundation of all your thoughts about yourself, including your self-esteem. to be. Self-concept and self-esteem affect our relationships, our work, and nearly every part of our lives. Most of what you do is controlled by your self-concept— the way you picture yourself to be. For example, you may say to yourself, “Other people are always asking me for help in their Internet searches. I must be pretty good at that.” You have a good self-concept when it comes to this skill. This good self-concept then increases your opinion of yourself. Your everyday actions also tend to affect your self-concept; in turn, your self-concept affects the things you do. When the things you do make you feel bad about yourself, and your self-concept is threatened or changed in a negative way, you wind up in a vicious cycle. Once this cycle gets started, it is difficult to stop. You will need to take some definite action to break it, or your life and relationships with others simply won’t be as fulfilling or successful as they could be. Once the cycle has begun, trying to analyze who started it—who is to blame—is nearly always pointless. Instead, you need to examine ways of stopping it, or at least minimizing the effects of the vicious cycle. THE FOUR PARTS OF THE SELF-CONCEPT The self-concept can be divided into four parts (as shown in Figure 2.1).1 In a perfect world, all four shapes in the self-concept diagram would be one single circle. However, the most realistic way of viewing the diagram is with the goal of pushing all four shapes together, knowing that they will probably never completely coincide—but may occasionally. Ideal Self ideal self This is your vision of your future self. Everyone has some notion of what he The way you would like to be or she would like to become. For some people, the image of the ideal self or plan to become. is sharp and clear; they know the changes they need in their lives and what 28  REAL WORLD EXAMPLE 2.2 All the while Danica is growing up, her parents tell her, “We that she doesn’t have the interest and passion that her class- expect you to become a dentist and join our dental practice. mates have in these courses. She wonders what she is miss- It’s a family tradition.” This statement tells Danica that she ing in other areas of study. But because she has accepted must plan her life around becoming a dentist. She feels obli- her parents’ message of what her ideal self should be, this gated to excel in science classes while in school and to plan continues to motivate her and affect her self-concept and her classes around preparing for dental school. She can see her self-esteem. figure 2.1 Looking- THE FOUR PARTS OF THE Ideal Glass Self SELF-CONCEPT Self Self-concept can be divided into four parts. How can you bring all four of these selves closer together? Self- Real Image Self they must do to make them happen. Many people, though, have a less clear picture of their ideal self, and still others have an unrealistic idea of what they want to become. One common mistake is to think that you have already reached your ideal, when actually you still have a long way to go. Another is to create an ideal self that is unrealistic and unattainable. Some parents present their children with a picture of how the children must act to win approval. Such parents are said to hold conditional positive regard for their children, whereby positive regard, praise, and approval depend upon their children behaving in ways that the parents think are correct. Under those conditions, children may grow up either rejecting the parents’ plans for them completely, becoming depressed and giving up, or falsely believing that they have already become their parents’ ideal and do not have to go any further to find happiness. Looking-Glass Self The looking-glass self is the self that you assume others see when they look at looking-glass self you. It is also affected by your view of reality. Some people assume that others The self you assume others think well of them much more than is true, while many more tend to assume see when they look at you. the opposite. For most people, the looking-glass self is much more negative than it deserves to be. Getting in touch with others’ real feelings about you will also be covered in Chapter 3. 29  REAL WORLD EXAMPLE 2.3 Sarah, a college student, may think of herself as an A stu- paper is a D. This information about her real self is very dent in her ideal self. Then she gets her first graded exam different from her ideal self.2 This difference results in a back from her instructor, and the grade at the top of the change in her self-concept and lowered self-esteem. Self-Image self-image Your self-image is the way you truly feel about yourself. It can be programmed The way you honestly feel by your day-to-day behavior and by the things you say to yourself or others. If about yourself. you say (even to yourself) that you are a loser, a bumbling idiot, or whatever other negative description you might use, your self-image will automatically memorize that message for future use. Fortunately, the opposite is also true: if you use positive words and phrases to describe yourself, those messages will also become a part of your memory, helping you to achieve your goals and increase your level of happiness.3 You will learn more about this growth process later in this chapter. Real Self real self The real self is you as you really are, when nobody is around to approve or The way you really are when disapprove of your actions. Often this part of the self-concept is something nobody is around to approve that has to be discovered. Just as with the ideal self, what you think of yourself or disapprove. or what you present to others is not necessarily what is real; discovering your real self might take months, even years. This process, known as developing your self-awareness, is discussed in more detail in Chapter 3. FOCUSING ON THE REAL AND IDEAL SELVES Carl Rogers, a well-known psychologist, developed ideas about the self- concept in the mid to late 1900s that are still in use today. He said that your ideal self comes from the messages you receive from your parents and people around you about what you should be like. The ideal self may be quite far apart from the real self, or the two may overlap to some extent. Rogers believed that people get little bits of informa- tion all the time about their real selves from their experiences in the world. When the real self and ideal self are not very close, people feel bad about themselves. They can become depressed and unhappy and can have a low- ered opinion of themselves. Rogers believed that in order to have a healthy self-concept, people need to work on making the ideal and real selves much closer. This can be done by paying more attention to messages about one’s real self, adjusting one’s ideal self to fit the reality, and working up to a more realistic and attainable ideal. 30  Self-Concept and Self-Esteem In Human Relations CHAPTER 2 31 PLEASING YOURSELF AND PLEASING OTHERS Many people derive purpose from pleasing others. In American soci- ety, women often fall into this pattern of behavior even more than men. According to psychologist and author Mary Pipher, girls grow up in American culture surrounded by media messages that they are valued for their physical appearance, while their intelligence and other qualities are devalued. Girls then blame themselves for not being pretty enough, and their self-concept can be damaged in the process.4 Having a healthy self-concept means not allowing yourself to be a slave to other people’s opinions. On the other hand, maybe you’ve known someone who honestly didn’t care about what others thought of him or her. This individual was probably a bit hard to get used to. You may find it a bit uncomfortable to be around people who don’t need anyone to like them, perhaps because most people would expect others to share their need for acceptance. While some people might appear not to need others, or care what others think, humans are social animals and this kind of apa- BALANCING YOUR NEEDS AND OTHERS’ NEEDS thy, or not caring, can actually cause communication problems at home and in the workplace due to misunderstandings. A crucial factor to a Balancing a need to nurture yourself with other people’s needs to be healthy self-concept and self-esteem is balancing accepted and liked is very important. When your self-concept is set and sta- your needs with others’. ble at a comfortable level, you will find that knowing and taking care of the In a culture that values “real you” will be quite possible without threatening others.5 selflessness, and in jobs that require frequent caregiving, this can be a WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM? challenge. What are ways to maintain healthy self- esteem while caring for Self-concept is closely tied to self-esteem; however, they don’t mean exactly others’ needs? the same thing. Anyone in a situation such as Lena’s in the opening vignette may discover two important concepts. First, many people don’t feel as good about themselves as they should. Second, most individuals respond better to situations and to other people who help, rather than hurt, the good feelings they have about themselves—feelings that people need to function well in business and in life. You may have had a similar experience in a new job or social situation. Everyone has probably felt this way at one time or another! Have you ever met someone you just did not like, no matter how long you knew him or her? Most people have. If you were to look carefully, you would probably see one of two reasons for this dislike. Either you and the problem person had a real personality clash or that person simply did not like himself or herself. Disliking oneself is an indication of low self-esteem. Self-esteem can self-esteem be defined as the extent to which an individual believes him- or herself to be The regard in which an capable, sufficient, and worthy.6 It is the regard people hold for themselves as individual holds himself or herself. part of their self-concept. Self-esteem is usually described as high or low. But the reality is that our self-esteem falls along a scale, from high to moderate to low. Higher self-esteem is healthy self-esteem. Because low self-esteem poses the biggest  REAL WORLD EXAMPLE 2.4 Facebook and Self-Esteem Is there any connection between self-esteem and use of comparing oneself with others who are seen as more suc- social networking sites such as Facebook? If so, what is it? cessful can reduce self-esteem. Authors of a study in 2011 After many years of study by researchers around the world, suggest that using Facebook to edit profiles or post pictures we can describe the link between self-esteem and Facebook activates the “ideal self” rather than the “real self,” result- just as millions of Facebook users have described their own ing in a boost to self-esteem, especially when positive feed- relationship status: “It’s complicated.” Some general find- back is then received by others. So, to boost self-esteem, ings that have held up are that these sites provide a great the message seems to be: go ahead and post good news way to connect with others, but overuse is often linked about yourself, avoid comparing yourself unfavorably to to those who are insecure or have low self-esteem; and others, and don’t spend all your time Facebooking.7 more about... problem for human relations both in the workplace and in personal life, the rest of this chapter focuses on Compensating is a psychological defense how to raise low self-esteem. mechanism people may use to reduce embar- Liking and accepting yourself is one of the most rassment, shame, anxiety, guilt, or other nega- important skills you can learn in life. All of the rela- tive emotions that arise internally when facing tionships you have with other people are affected by unpleasant truths. the way you see yourself, accept or reject yourself, and assume others feel about you. All of these factors com- bine to create your self-esteem. Research shows that people with low self-esteem have more emotional problems than others do,8 and that low self-esteem is widespread. When people compare themselves with others, they sometimes feel they don’t measure up. You may feel this way at times, and you may think that you are the only one—but after asking others, you will find that this feeling of not measuring up is quite common. compensating You might wonder why some people brag about themselves. Most The use of a strength to make people who always need to tell about their accomplishments are actually up for a real or perceived compensating in some way for low self-esteem. Another form of compen- weakness. sating is when people focus on a single strength (such as good looks, men- lower self-worth tal ability, or athletic skills) to make up for their overall bad feelings about Occurs when an individual believes himself or herself to themselves. These feelings are also called lower self-worth. No matter how have little value to offer the hard most people work at exercising those special abilities, many find that world. after months and years of trying, they still have lower self-worth. lower self-esteem In other words, these people are motivated by their own lower self- Occurs when individuals are esteem. They excel in one or more areas of their lives in an unsuccessful unable to see themselves as capable, sufficient, or worthy. attempt to overcome their low self-worth and find happiness. Wouldn’t it feel higher self-esteem better, though, to be motivated by something positive instead? People who Occurs when people have have healthy feelings about themselves, or higher self-esteem, are more likely healthy feelings about to succeed at their personal goals, career goals, and even more important, themselves and are therefore at life. They are not motivated by a need to compensate, but by a desire to more likely to succeed in personal goals and career see their dreams and goals achieved. People with higher self-esteem believe goals. in themselves and believe they can reach these goals. No matter what your 32  Self-Concept and Self-Esteem In Human Relations CHAPTER 2 33 occupational experiences are or how your career goals change, with a healthy self-esteem the expe- riences will be worthwhile and the changes usually successful. SELF-ESTEEM AND WORK PERFORMANCE Business success depends greatly on one’s level of self-esteem. Both customers and employees quickly sense a businessperson’s level of self-esteem. Posi- tive self-esteem is often the key factor that separates success from failure. If you believe you are good enough to succeed, your chances of success are much stronger than they would be without such a belief. SELF-ESTEEM AT WORK Psychological research finds that people with lower self-esteem are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, irritability, aggression, feelings of Customers and resentment and alienation, unhappiness, insomnia, and other problems.9 co-workers can detect high or low self-esteem When people are experiencing these conditions, their work performance is in employees. If your bound to suffer. People with lower self-esteem also may feel awkward in social self-esteem is high, it settings, including the workplace, and may feel self-conscious and vulnerable will show in your body to rejection. Lower self-esteem is also associated with low job satisfaction and language, communication has even been linked to a higher likelihood of unemployment. People with skills, and ability to lower self-esteem often work with little enthusiasm or commitment. In con- handle setbacks and criticism. How can you trast, when an employee feels positive about his or her ability to compete and develop high self-esteem? make a worthwhile contribution, work performance is usually higher. A person with healthy self-esteem will be open and ready for new expe- riences. On the job, this readiness translates into usefulness and adapt- ability. When such people tackle problems, they tend to be more objective and constructive because they do not fear that their ideas will be rejected. Because employees with higher self-esteem like themselves, they can more readily accept their co-workers and take criticism from others in their work team. All of these qualities make the person with healthy self-esteem a more valuable—and more satisfied—employee. TYPES OF SELF-ESTEEM Currently, researchers describe two different types of self-esteem: (1) feel- ings, either positive or negative, about self-worth, and (2) confidence in the ability to deal with problems when they happen, often called self-efficacy. self-efficacy The first type has to do with how you feel about yourself when you are alone. The confidence an individual The second type has to do with actions, problem solving, and the ability to has in his or her ability to deal with problems when they succeed at particular tasks. Your self-esteem may be stronger in one of these occur. areas than in others.  REAL WORLD EXAMPLE 2.5 Bob feels that he is not very intelligent, and he has a hard home. He tells his wife, “You and the kids may be good time keeping up with the new technology in his job and his on the computer, but I’m good at building things we need. daily life. This causes him to feel lower self-worth overall. I’ll do the ‘hands’ stuff, and you can do the ‘head’ stuff.” At the same time, he just designed (on paper, without the Bob feels high self-efficacy for his woodworking skills, even help of a computer) and built a beautiful cedar deck for his though he may feel lower self-worth overall. ORIGINS OF SELF-ESTEEM more about... Where does your self-esteem come from? As with nearly all of the major influences in life, it starts to develop Carl Rogers (1902–1987) revolutionized the in early childhood from messages we receive from par- way psychologists thought of therapy. He believed clients understood their own prob- ents and others around us. According to psychologist lems and experiences, and that the thera- Carl Rogers, the sense of self is a guiding principle that pist’s role was that of a consultant in assisting structures the personality. Though inborn, the sense client treatment. of self is shaped by many outside forces. In young chil- dren, self-esteem is just a reflection of the esteem that parents and others have for the child; it develops as children react to the ways that important people treat them. During childhood, parents are the most important people among those shaping self-esteem. Older children and adolescents are also influ- enced by teachers, coaches, friends, classmates, siblings, neighbors, and oth- ers who build up (or damage) their self-esteem.10 unconditional positive When your parents and other important people show you unconditional regard positive regard, or accept you no matter what your behavior may be at the The acceptance of individuals moment, then you are likely to develop a healthy self-esteem. For example, a as worthy and valuable regardless of their behavior. parent shows unconditional positive regard when he says, “Ashley, I want you to know that I love you and I’m proud of you, but the way you were teasing that little girl on the playground just now was not okay with me.” conditional positive When parents show children conditional positive regard, accepting regard their children only when they behave the way they want, then children may Acceptance of individuals not develop a healthy self-esteem. Children may have a hard time under- as worthy only when they behave in a certain way. standing just what parents want from them, and they may end up believing that they are bad people who can’t do anything right. They may be puzzled by the apparent double-talk that comes from their parents: parents react to behaviors that children think are good by labeling them either good or bad, which can be confusing to children. See Figure 2.2. Parents frequently remind children that they aren’t perfect and they aren’t what they should be. With the best of intentions, they attempt to improve their children’s behavior by comparing them with others. What happens is that these children find out that there are other children who 34  REAL WORLD EXAMPLE 2.6 A four-year-old girl spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, you getting into my things?” she yells. “You’re a bad girl!” using her mother’s best makeup trying to make herself as When Emmy cries, she does so from fear of her mother’s beautiful as her mommy. When her mother discovers her, anger, and confusion at her mother’s reaction to what she though, she is anything but happy. “Emmy, no! Why are thought was a great idea. Her self-esteem decreases. figure 2.2 Unconditional THE ORIGINS OF positive regard SELF-ESTEEM Healthy Parent Child = Psychologist Carl Rogers self-esteem believed that the self- esteem of a child depends on the acceptance of the parents. How can a parent influence a child’s Conditional self-esteem? positive regard Parent Child = Low self-esteem do things better than they can, who in some way please adults more. From childhood onward, then, people learn to compare themselves with others and adapt their behavior around others’ reactions to them—and react to the ways that all of this affects their self-esteem. You may have had employers or supervisors who treated you with this same conditional positive regard: only treating you kindly or respectfully when you acted in the way that pleased them. They may have scolded you (even in front of others), or compared you disapprovingly with another, “better” employee. This simple truth was first discovered by psychologist Alfred Adler, who like Rogers was another pioneer in the area of self and personality. Adler believed that the main motivation for everything people do, including efforts toward a successful career, is to get away from a deep childhood-based feel- ing that they are not as good as they should be—that they are not perfect. “In comparison with unattainable ideal perfection,” he wrote, “the individual is continuously filled by an inferiority feeling and motivated by it.”11 Again, this is compensating for low self-worth by trying to succeed in other areas of life. An even more dramatic statement by Adler, who coined the term inferiority complex, is: “To be a human being means to feel oneself inferior.”12 If Adler is even partly right, you can see just how important self-esteem must be to every part of life. While you read the rest of this book, keep in 35 36 PART I Human Relations and You mind this important idea: If you can improve in just one more about... area —liking yourself better —you can improve in all other Alfred Adler (1870–1937) developed areas of human relations. With a healthy self-concept theories about the inferiority complex and and high self-esteem, you can become an effective about compensation for feelings of defi- ciency compared with others. He also coined manager of other people; in any area of life, you can the term lifestyle (a style of life in which peo- become someone whom others listen to and respect. ple strive to succeed in their strengths). Most important, you can become a happy, contented person who is able to reduce harmful stress and solve problems. S T R AT EG I ES F O R SUCCESS Strategy 2.1 Steps toward Achieving Higher Self-Esteem 1. Learn to accept yourself. 2. Develop an internal locus of control. 3. Develop a winning skill. 4. Study confident people. 5. Read biographies of people you admire. 6. Make a list of your greatest talents. 7. Stop procrastinating. 8. Find a mentor. 9. Avoid surface analysis of yourself and others. 10. Use positive self-talk. 11. Don’t forget the needs of others. The following suggestions should be a great help in creating a better, healthier self-concept and higher self-esteem. 1. Learn to accept yourself. Don’t feel that you have to be like someone else. Don’t dwell on the past, but instead remember that the past does not equal the future. Avoid thinking that you should become your ideal self right now. That ideal is something to work toward for the future. Here, in the present, you are okay. Self-acceptance means learning to believe in your heart that you are valuable, and that your differences from others are more a plus than a minus. Differences are what make everyone so interesting! 2. Develop an internal locus of control. Julian Rotter, an influential psychologist, locus of control describes the locus of control as the perceived center of control over the events in people’s lives. People with an internal locus of control feel that they are in control The name given to the of events in their own lives and have more of a take-charge attitude. Rotter and others amount of control you feel also believe that an internal locus of control is related to both higher self-esteem and you have over events that better physical health.13 On the other hand, people with an external locus of control happen to you. feel that the world is happening to them, and that they have no control over the events internal locus of control in their lives. Occurs in people who feel To go back to the earlier example of Sarah, the student in Real World Example 2.3 they are in control of the with a low exam score, if she has an internal locus of control, she might say, “I should events in their own lives. have studied instead of watching videos all night with my roommates. Next time I’ll do external locus of control better.” If she has an external locus of control, she might say, “Those questions were all too tricky. I can’t help it if all the questions came from the chapters that I didn’t under- This occurs in people who feel stand. The instructor is probably just out to get me, anyway. I don’t think she likes me.” they have no control of the events in their lives. 3. Develop a winning skill. If you have a special hobby or interest, spend some time cultivating that skill. Developing these abilities puts focus on your positive qualities and Self-Concept and Self-Esteem In Human Relations CHAPTER 2 37 takes focus away from the negative. This adds to your self- more about... efficacy. Also, developing one area will teach you to focus on achievements, which is necessary for growth. And Julian Rotter (1916–) refined social learning success in one area often “spills over” into other areas. theory to say that personality comes from Finally, you’ll begin to feel more self-respect. Don’t let a day go by without doing something that you can do very an interaction of the individual with his or well. her environment. People develop internal or 4. Study confident people. Study those who seem to have external explanations for control because of strong self-esteem. Watch for things you could do to experiences. learn to like yourself better. Such behaviors might include ways of dealing with negative responses from other peo- ple, daily habits, or even ways of looking at others while talking. Remember Step 1. You do not need to be just like anyone else; in fact, losing your identity can destroy your self-esteem. However, you can learn skills from others that you can apply to your own life. self-respect 5. Read biographies of people you admire, or rent videos on the lives of successful Positive self-image with people. You’ll be amazed at how many self-esteem hints you can pick up from a good high self-esteem. biography. While you are reading or watching, notice any misfortunes the successful person had to overcome—especially those that attacked his or her self-esteem. Try to put yourself in the situation and see yourself meeting the challenge. While you are following the success stories of others, try not to get carried away in just admiring them. Start to think of healthy self-esteem as something that you already have. You do have it; it may just be out of focus, or you may be out of touch with it. See yourself when reading or watching biographies as discovering a lost treasure—your self-worth.14 LOOK TO HISTORY 6. Make a list of your greatest talents. If you draw a blank, ask someone close to Eleanor Roosevelt, you—a friend, family member, or significant other—to help you start the list. Others George Washington will often see your good points, talents, and abilities more clearly than you see them. and Martin Luther King Once you have written the list, consider each talent as a section of your new self- Jr., are three great concept. Put the talents you can develop with the least effort at the top of the list. examples of admirable Self-esteem is amazing in the way it reacts with emotions: the entire way you feel about yourself can improve or deteriorate based on little things. This step allows you to let people in history. these little things help rather than hurt you. Whom do you admire that you would like to learn more about? 38 PART I Human Relations and You 7. Stop procrastinating. If you honestly feel you never put things off too long, you can skip this section. Most people, though, tend to procrastinate, and procrastination can hurt self-esteem a great deal. When you are not working toward goals, this can easily bring your self-esteem even lower. Some people think of procrastinators as lazy people. Other people see pro- crastination as a controlled decision. Actually, many very hard workers are terrible procrastinators. To overcome this common problem, identify the emotions that are blocking you from action. Although several emotions are often involved, the most important ones are fear and pain—or fear of pain—associated in some way with putting off the task. Once you realize that fear and avoidance of pain are involved, you can look more closely at the task and figure out what it is about it that seems painful or scary. Getting tasks completed will give you a feeling of being “on top of things,” which is very important to high self-esteem. If you’ve been meaning PROCRASTINATION to do something about your procrastinating, don’t put that off, too!15 IS A TIME KILLER 8. Find a mentor. A mentor is someone who will walk you through experiences that Many people have the are new to you, but that he or she has already been through. True mentoring involves best of intentions, but two people communicating well, one mostly teaching and the other mostly learning. If putting off tasks is often you find someone who will work with you in this way, you’ve discovered an excellent an easy thing to do. What method of building self-esteem. strategies can you use to Mentors, though, are not always available. The next best person is a role model. A role model is someone you can look to for guidance by example, but who isn’t neces- avoid the procrastination sarily actively interacting with you. Such a person can help you, although you are doing trap? most or all of the work. Remember that both role models and mentors are people who will help you be a better you. Once again, don’t lose your identity in the process of adopting their habits. You need to find success on your own strengths. 9. Avoid surface analysis of yourself and others. Surface analysis means looking only at the apparent rather than underlying issues of life. Remember that people around mentor you who seem controlled and even smug could be fighting back pure panic or depres- A person who acts as a sion. In his best-selling books The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and The 8th guide or teacher for another, Habit, author and psychologist Stephen Covey talks about the power of being able leading that person through to see others, and yourself, in a new light—by finally understanding the underlying experiences. realities.16 role model 10. Use positive self-talk. For generations, schoolchildren have used the proverb: “Sticks A person to whom an and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Teachers and parents individual can look to for have also taught this saying to children to help them overcome the bad feelings caused guidance by example, but by name-calling and teasing. The sad truth, though, is that words can and do hurt, and who isn’t necessarily actively they even cause permanent damage. interacting with the individual. The flip side is that words are also powerful healers. The way you talk to others and positive self-talk to yourself about yourself can be a strong force for change in your life. Positive self-talk means telling your subconscious mind that you are a good person and doing fine.17 A popular method of building When using positive self-talk, don’t use sentences like, “I want to be a great suc- self-esteem by thinking and cess.” You might ask, why not? Doesn’t that statement sound positive? Although it’s speaking positively about much better than “I want to be a big failure,” it can be improved in two ways. First, yourself. change “great success” to “great success at self-control,” “great success at my retail sales job,” “great success at bowling,” or whatever specific goal you have. In other words, be specific rather than general. Second, use a present tense verb form. Say, “I am a successful bowler,” or whatever you specifically want to improve. (See Figure 2.3.) These affirmations, or positive statements about one’s self, reinforce positive attitudes. self-fulfilling prophecy Why does this work? Because of what psychologists call the self-fulfilling prophecy, also referred to as the power of self-suggestion. This means that when you Tendency for a prediction believe something strongly enough, it becomes a reality: by your beliefs and the actions to actually occur once it is that follow, you fulfill the prophecy or expectation you hold about your future behavior. believed; for example, a victim Whenever you have a success in your journey toward better self-esteem, take pride believes that prejudice against in your achievement. Reward yourself. Acknowledge your progress without fear of him or her is true, and then fulfills it. Self-Concept and Self-Esteem In Human Relations CHAPTER 2 39 Positive Self-Talk: Self-Esteem Affirmations figure 2.3 SELF-ESTEEM I am effective because I have high self-esteem. AFFIRMATIONS I influence my own future by planning and taking action to meet my goals. Why is it important for I am a success at many things, such as: (insert your own list here). affirmations to be as I share my strengths with others. specific as possible? I am responsible for my own choices. Source: Adapted from I accept my feelings and manage them effectively. Patricia A. Doherty, “Affirmations for I overcome obstacles to meet my goals. Self-Esteem,” 1998. I succeed because I am persistent. I can achieve goals I set for myself or decide when to revise them. I alone decide what success means to me. exaggerating it. Iff it was a b big deal d l to you, then h it was a big b d deal! l No one else’s l judg- d ment of your progress is more important than your own, but don’t allow your current and past achievements to be enough. If you make that mistake, you’ll stop trying to improve yourself, and the daily trying is what will make your self-esteem grow in the long run.18 Self-fulfilling prophecies can come from your beliefs about yourself, and also from your “buy-in” or taking as fact the beliefs that others hold about you. The self-fulfilling prophecy can also lead to both positive and negative outcomes. In a real study with schoolchildren, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson conducted a research project with schoolchildren in which they told the children’s teachers that some of the children were “late bloomers” who would increase their performance significantly over the year. The children were never told of these positive expecta- tions their teachers had for them. Over the course of the year, these children, who had been selected at random from the classroom, did in fact blossom and soar in their performance. Their increased performance was due to the different treatment they received from their teachers, who expected the best from them.19 Many adults also allow others’ opinions of them to affect their behavior. The stronger or higher a person’s self-esteem is, the weaker the effect other people’s negative statements will have on his or her behavior. 11. Don’t forget the needs of others. Competitiveness can keep people from allowing others to achieve the same things they are achieving. If you have this level of competi- tiveness, get rid of it. When you are a manager or in any other position of leadership, remember the awesome power you have—for both good and bad—over the person who works for you. (Don’t go overboard, though, in giving in to others’ needs.) With all this discussion about boosting one’s own self-esteem with positive self- talk, it may be a natural assumption that we can easily boost the self-esteem of oth- ers just by saying positive things to them. After researchers found a link between self-esteem and academic achievement in schoolchildren, schools all over the United States set up self-esteem programs, believing that boosting a child’s self-esteem would also boost grades. But do admiring teachers and strings of gold stars really have this effect? Perhaps the high self-esteem arose after the high achievement; in other words, maybe successes lead to greater self-esteem, rather than high self-esteem leading to achievement. So, should we say positive things to others in an attempt to help build their self- esteem? Many of the self-esteem-building programs asked teachers to give out any praise, even when children have not succeeded or put in much effort. These programs tend not to be very successful. Children can usually tell the difference between hol- low praise, and genuine remarks for a job well done or effort put forward toward a difficult task. Genuine positive feedback does seem to have the effect of boosting 40 PART I Human Relations and You self-esteem. Insincere praise, however, may backfire and result in children not trust- ing adults to tell the truth. Most teachers (and other experts) today would encour- age giving authentic praise, that is, only when it is deserved, rather than lavishing undeserved praise at every opportunity. 20 Adults as well as children can usually tell the difference between insincere flattery and sincere praise. So, if you’re going to say positive things in an effort to help boost self-esteem, the bottom line is to mean what you say!21 Strategy 2.2 Steps toward Combating Low Self-Esteem by Defeating the Pathological Critic 1. Find its purpose. 2. Talk back. 3. Make this pathological critic totally useless. 4. Forgive yourself. Psychologist Eugene Sagan believes that most people have a negative inner voice pathological critic that attacks and negatively judges their worth. He calls this voice the pathological A negative inner voice that critic. This critic came from the “shoulds” that parents and other adults give children attacks people and judges while they are young. You listen to the critic because it helps shape your identity their worth negatively. and, ironically, can make you feel somewhat better in the short run because it helps you run from the problems or challenges you are faced with: it allows you to blow off tension or avoid rejection. In the long run, though, the critic does a great deal of damage.22 The pathological critic knows that people have four basic needs. Nearly everyone needs to feel: secure and unafraid. effective and competent in the world. accepted by parents, family, and significant others. a sense of basic worth and “OK-ness” in specific situations.23 People with lower self-esteem tend to fulfill these needs in totally different ways than people with higher self-esteem, and they will use the pathological critic as a method of dealing with negative situations. Since this is an easy way out, relying on the critic can become a lifelong habit. Knowing that this critic exists is the first step in toning it down. Really knowing the critic requires that you are skilled at recognizing when it invades your world. You should be especially aware of what sort of touchy situations bring it out of hiding. 1. Find its purpose. Obviously, this voice you keep hearing is trying to hurt you; that’s its general purpose. In each case, try to see what the specific purpose is. Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning, authors of the book Self-Esteem, give some examples of this, such as exaggerating bad feelings now as a way of avoiding worse feel- ings later (such as rejection or pain), or reducing tension by preparing you for the worst. 24 2. Talk back. Talking back to a voice that comes from within yourself might sound a bit odd, but much self-esteem building involves just that type of strategy. It involves look- ing at the negative messages that have hurt your self-esteem and talking back to their senders—forcefully. Psychologist Albert Ellis, whom you will learn more about in later chapters, refers to this process as confronting your irrational beliefs.25 You might find that talking out loud will work most effectively, but speaking these thoughts in your mind can also work well. The main idea is to prevent negative messages from harming your self-esteem.  Self-Concept and Self-Esteem In Human Relations CHAPTER 2 41 The success of the talking-back strategy will depend on the strength of your will in combating this enemy. One suggestion is to make a forceful statement, worded in a way to help you feel anger, which can make the critic stop sending messages: “This is ridiculous; now cut it out.” “Not true!” “Stop it!” “Get off my back!” Use whatever works for you personally. If this first step doesn’t stop the voice, try moving to positive affirmations, such as the ones suggested earlier in the chapter under “positive self-talk.” 3. Make this pathological critic totally useless. You can do this by providing an avenue to fulfill all of the needs it is trying to fulfill for you. For example, the critic supposedly helps you block out a feeling of worthlessness by setting very high standards of perfec- tion, but you end up feeling worse because you can never meet these standards. You can disarm the critic by separating your ideal self from your real self, thus becoming more realistic about what your goals really are and what they should be. 4. Forgive yourself. Once you have truly forgiven yourself for the fact that you are not per- fect, you have taken perhaps the most important step toward healthy self-esteem. Remem- ber that nobody else is perfect, either; why should you be the world’s sole exception? CHAPTER TWO SUMMARY Chapter Summary by Learning Objectives LO 2-1 Define self-concept. Self-concept is the way you conceive of (or see) yourself; this view of yourself is the foundation of all your thoughts about yourself, including your self-esteem. LO 2-2 Identify the four areas of the self-concept. The self-concept is divided into four parts: the self-image, real self, looking-glass self, and ideal self. In a perfect world, all four would be one; in reality, people work to get the four together as much as possible. LO 2-3 Describe the real and ideal selves. The real self is you as you really are, when nobody is around to approve or disapprove of your actions. Often this part of the self-concept is something that has to be discovered. The ideal self is your vision of your future self. When the real self and ideal self are not very close, people feel bad about themselves. They can become depressed and unhappy and can have a lowered opinion of themselves. LO 2-4 Explain the importance of pleasing yourself and others. Balancing a need to nurture yourself with other people’s needs to be accepted and liked is very important. When your self-concept is set and stable at a comfortable level, you will find that knowing and taking care of the “real you” will be quite possible without threatening others. LO 2-5 Define self-esteem. Self-esteem can be defined as the extent to which an individual believes him- or herself to be capable, suffi- cient, and worthy. It is the regard people hold for themselves as part of their self-concept. LO 2-6 Discuss the relationship between self-esteem and work perfor- mance. In the workplace, high self-esteem usually separates success from failure. If you believe you are capable enough to succeed, your chances of success are much higher. 42 PART I Human Relations and You LO 2-7 Distinguish among different types of self-esteem. The art of liking and accepting yourself is one of the most important things you can learn in life. Current self-esteem researchers have identified two types of self-esteem: self-worth—the value you place on yourself, and self-efficacy—your confidence in your own ability to deal with problems or tasks as they arise. LO 2-8 Explain the origins of your self-esteem. According to Carl Rog- ers, an inborn sense of self structures the personality from earliest childhood; this is affected by parents’ unconditional or conditional positive regard. Alfred Adler said that everyone feels inferior to some degree, and people are motivated to do nearly all the things they do because of that common feeling. key terms compensating 32 looking-glass self 29 self-efficacy 33 conditional positive lower self-esteem 32 self-esteem 31 regard 34 lower self-worth 32 self-fulfilling external locus of mentor 38 prophecy 38 control 36 pathological critic 40 self-image 30 higher self-esteem 32 positive self-talk 38 self-respect 37 ideal self 28 real self 30 unconditional positive internal locus of role model 38 regard 34 control 36 self-concept 28 locus of control 36 review questions 1. What are the differences among self-concept, self-respect, and self- efficacy? Provide an example of each. 2. You are certain that your co-workers see you as a cranky, reclusive her- mit. Actually, they think of you as a shy person who is quiet but nice to be around. How can this difference between self-concept and others’ opinions exist side by side regarding the same person? Explain, using concepts from this chapter. 3. Imagine yourself back in the third grade. Your teacher is yelling at you for breaking the chalk while writing on the chalkboard: “Look at what you’ve done! You’re such a bad student! Go back to your seat!” If you could explain the work of Carl Rogers to your teacher using this example, what would you say? 4. Do you ever find yourself compensating for a weakness you feel you have? For what behaviors are you compensating? Do you notice when other people compensate? Describe. 5. What specific skill or area of your self-concept needs work? Think of some examples of positive self-talk you could use to boost your self- esteem in this area. 6. Which would you rather have in your current job or profession, a men- tor or a role model? Why? If you were mentoring a new employee in your field, what kinds of things would you say and do? 7. Two employees who are learning a new accounting system are talking about it. “It’s no use,” says the first. “Management is always dumping these new things on me that I can’t learn.” The second one replies, “We can learn this; it will just take a little practice. Come on, let’s try it.” According to Rotter, which employee has an internal locus of control, and which employee has an external locus of control? How will this likely affect each one’s ability to learn the new system? 8. You are waiting for your appointment for an important job interview. A voice inside you shouts, “You’re so stupid, lazy, and ugly! You’ll never get this job!” Who is this voice? Why is it sending you these messages? What will you do to stop it? critical thinking questions 9. Is an internal locus of control good to have in all situations? Can you think of a situation in which it would not be helpful to feel in complete control of your life? For example, when something truly terrible hap- pens, such as a natural disaster or other tragedy, are you really in con- trol of events? If you are not in control of events, what are you in control of in such a situation? 10. Some people say that when they were children, their parents lacked confidence in them and treated them with conditional (instead of unconditional) positive regard—and this treatment, rather than reduc- ing their self-esteem, challenged them to work harder and succeed. Do you agree that such treatment, then, might be good instead of damaging to people’s developing self-esteem? Explain. 11. As you might already be aware, some educators, politicians, and others in leadership positions have carried the self-esteem issue to extremes— far beyond what this chapter teaches. Some examples are removing any real competition from children so their self-esteem won’t be threat- ened, praising people when they deserve anything but praise, and with- holding discipline because any discipline might damage the child’s fragile ego. Comment on this aspect of self-esteem awareness. 43  12. Millions of people worldwide regularly enjoy the use of social network- ing sites such as Facebook and Twitter. But when does active participa- tion in social networking sites risk damage to a person’s self-esteem? Discuss examples from the news or current online postings that illus- trate extreme effects or minor damage related to online social network- ing sites. working it out 2.1 EXPLORING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM School-to-Work Connection: Personal Qualities Skills This scale was developed by Dr. Morris Rosenberg. Instructions: Following is a list of statements dealing with your general feel- ings about yourself. Place a check mark under the answer with which you most agree. Strongly Strongly Agree Disagree Agree Disagree 1. On the whole I am satisfied with myself. 2. At times I think I am no good at all. 3. I feel that I have a number of good qualities. 4. I am able to do things as well as most other people. 5. I feel I do not have much to be proud of. 6. I certainly feel useless at times. 7. I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on an equal plane with others. 8. I wish I could have more respect for myself. 9. All in all, I am inclined to feel that I am a failure. 10. I take a positive attitude toward myself. To score these items, give yourself one point if you answered “Strongly Agree” or “Agree” for 1, 3, 4, 7, or 10. Give yourself one point if you answered “Disagree” or “Strongly Disagree” for 2, 5, 6, 8, or 9. Total your score. Ten indicates high self-esteem answers, while zero indicates low self-esteem answers.26 44  working it out 2.2 TESTING YOUR LOCUS OF CONTROL School-to-Work Connection: Interpersonal Skills Test whether your own locus of control is more internal or external by answering the following questions: 1. Do you believe that some people are just born lucky, while others are just born losers and there is nothing these people can do to change their lot in life? yes no 2. Do you believe that skill and hard work are more important than luck? yes no 3. Do you keep a good luck charm or have a good luck ritual? yes no 4. When bad things happen to you, do you look for a cause and try to prevent the event from happening again? yes no 5. Do you believe that good things happen to good people, while bad things happen to bad people? yes no 6. Do you believe that if you try hard enough, things will turn out right? yes no 7. Do you believe that fate determines what will happen, regardless of any planning for the future? yes no 8. Do you believe that in the long run, people get the respect they deserve in the world? yes no 9. Do you believe that no matter how hard you try, some things just never turn out right? yes no 10. Do you believe that making a well-founded decision for the future is more important than believing in fate? yes no Scoring: If you answered yes to most odd-numbered questions and no to most even-numbered questions, you lean toward an external locus of control. If you answered no to most odd-numbered questions and yes to most even- numbered questions, you lean toward having an internal locus of control. Remember, though, that an internal/external locus of control cannot always be defined in black and white. Many people have a combination of these two that changes depending on the situation. 45  case study 2.1 Stage Fright J ulio Garcia was a young executive who had done very well with a business degree from a two-year college. Although he often felt overshadowed by Although he felt ridiculous admitting what was happening to him, he realized that he needed to act or the worst would really happen. The coun- his peers, Julio seemed to get along well unless he selor was really understanding. Julio found that was asked to give an oral presentation. In the past just talking the problem out with her helped calm couple of weeks, he had been asked—no, told—to him down a bit. He was greatly relieved when she give two 15-minute presentations. told him that dozens of people in the company As the day of torment approached, Julio found had come to her with the same problem. it increasingly difficult to sleep. When he finally When Julio finally stood up speak, he did so did drop off to sleep, he woke up often, some- with confidence. Although his presentation wasn’t times with his head pounding. During the wakeful flawless, his hands didn’t shake, and he kept the times, he would imagine himself during the pre- interest of the audience throughout the speech. sentation, becoming tongue-tied and being forced When Julio sat down, he felt a sense of newfound to sit down because he couldn’t go on. Then, the confidence. Somehow, he knew that his future aftermath he pictured was even worse. He imag- public speaking experiences would never be as ined the people he worked with laughing behind uncomfortable as they had been before. his back and ceasing to have any respect for him. In another of his often-repeated wide-awake night- Case Study Questions mares, he did manage to get through the talk, but 1. Let’s say that you were Julio’s counselor. What everyone thought it was simpleminded and bor- additional advice would you give him? Why? ing. He could hear the voices of his colleagues as he walked through the halls at work. He had 2. Explain the role self-esteem played in this become the butt of their favorite jokes. case. Finally, the day before the first presenta- 3. If you get stage fright, what steps do you take tion, Julio decided to see the company counselor. to minimize its effects? 46  case study 2.2 Jill, Self-Esteem, and the Job Search J ill was unhappy with her job as a customer service representative for a company that did follow-up calls to customers of cars and other large “Well, what do you think about advertising for me? I’m a pretty fair artist, and I seem to have a sense of what appeals to customers; that’s one consumer items. Many of her clients immediately thing I’ve learned from the dead-end job I have.” assumed that she was a telemarketer as soon as Anita’s answer was definite: “Jill, I think you’d be they answered the phone. The negative reactions doing yourself and the rest of the world a disser- were getting her down. Worst of all, she had been vice if you didn’t get out there and at least give letting the negativity affect her self-esteem. advertising a try.” As long as she could remember, Jill had wanted Jill returned to work with a new perspective— to do something creative in the field of market- and with some real optimism. Those persistent ing. She was especially interested in advertising. negative feelings were not so strong. That very Although her friends would encourage her and week, she started searching for an opening in express a belief in her abilities, Jill kept hearing advertising. Within a month, she had landed a from a part of herself that seemed to be telling job with a local ad agency—and at a salary quite her, “You can’t do it. You don’t have enough cre- a bit higher than she had been getting. The most ative talent; your ideas are worthless...” and on important change in Jill was her newfound moti- and on. vation to succeed, no longer prevented by fear and Anita, one of Jill’s best friends, was a success- low self-esteem. ful advertising executive, working for a midsized company that specialized in magazine advertising. Case Study Questions One day, Anita invited Jill to lunch supposedly to 1. Discuss the relationship of Anita’s little “pep “talk about business.” Anita had picked up on both talk” and the self-fulfilling prophecy. Jill’s ambitions and her self-doubt. “You know, Jill,” she offered, “I’ve been concerned about that job of 2. What was the source of the negative thoughts yours for quite a while. I see it taking you nowhere, Jill had been fighting? when you have some real creative talents that a job 3. What steps does Jill need to take to make this like that just doesn’t cultivate, in anyone.” new reality a permanent part of her life? 47