Chapter 8.txt

the courageous conversation; “I’m the Senior Officer, So I Don’t Have to Do Shit.” “Seek first to understand, then be understood.” — Stephen Covey B ack in 2002, after being promoted to the rank of corporal, I had to leave my SAT team and was transferred to a patrol squad in a slow district. I spent three months working for a good leader. I was then transferred to another patrol squad, in the same quiet district, where the sergeant was losing his mind. He sat me down, the first day, and explained how lazy and unmotivated his people were. “I’ve tried everything! I’m sick of it. I really don’t know what they do all day. I need some help,” he said. While I knew the sergeant, who, unfortunately, did not have a reputation as a good leader, I did not know anyone on the squad. After a few weeks, I agreed with the sergeant, the squad was the lowest performing one in the district. I also agreed with the squad members that the sergeant was not a good leader. I quickly became the referee, a buffer between the squad members and the sergeant. Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 132 I had seen the sergeant offer rewards and threaten punishments, but there was no improvement in morale, motivation, or performance. (At that time, I didn’t know about the concept of engagement.) Then one day, during roll call, the sergeant was at his wits’ end. “Look, you all work a ten-hour shift, and I don’t see any work, other than running the calls you are assigned. Here’s the deal. You will each bring me one piece of paper a day. I don’t care if it is a parking ticket, a warning, a report, or a traffic ticket, but you will hand in something to show you’ve at least done one thing each day,” he demanded. No one said a word. Roll call ended, and we went out to the parking lot. Afterwards, two of the senior officers on the shift, Officer Heckle and Officer Jeckle, who served as informal leaders, stopped me. “Hey, Corporal! You got a minute?” “Sure, what’s up?” “This is bullshit. Sarge can’t make us hand in one piece of paper each day! That’s a quota, and we won’t do it. Besides, we’re the senior officers; we don’t have to do shit,” Officer Jeckle said. Did I just hear them correctly? I couldn’t believe they were complaining about one piece of paper. The relationship between the sergeant and these two ring leaders had come to a point where if the sergeant said it was daytime, they’d argue it was night. I lost my temper. “Time out. Are you fucking kidding me? Sarge asked you to hand in one piece of paper in a ten-hour shift. I could walk across the street, write a parking ticket, and be done. Go do your fucking job!” I said. Wow, that didn’t go well. My emotions got the better of me. (That’s what an amygdala hijack looks like.) I surely didn’t build up any psychological safety, but it had to be said. Courage to Have a Conversation I’ve been a hostage/conflict negotiator for my police department since 2003. As any hostage negotiator will tell you, there’s a lot of training, practice, and repetition involved. The training, at the most basic level, is not how to negotiate, but how to have a conversation The Courageous Conversation 133 with someone. During this conversation, with a total stranger, the negotiator is expected to listen, use empathy, build rapport, and then influence the stranger, who is experiencing some sort of crisis, to take action to resolve the crisis. This conversation, by the way, is being recorded and listened to by the negotiator’s peers, coach, and command team. It will later be dissected and critiqued, sentence by sentence, to see what the negotiator could have done better. No pressure, it’s just a conversation, right? I’ve negotiated with people in crisis, and I’ve coached new negotiators when they are communicating with people in crisis. None of them were afraid to have the conversation with the “bad guy” during his time of crisis. If anything, they relished the opportunity to use all their training, and fought to get “talk time.” If hostage negotiators can look forward to these types of conversations with a stranger, why do we, as leaders, dread some conversations with the people we know, work with, and lead? You know the kind of conversations I’m talking about. Maybe it’s rating time, and you have to present a less-than-stellar performance review to one of your people. Or maybe it’s time to talk to that one deputy about her constant tardiness. What about sitting down to tell that communication specialist that he didn’t get the promotion? These are the conversations we lose sleep over. We don’t want to have them because we know the other person will likely get upset. We might get upset. They won’t like what we have to say. Maybe they won’t like us after we say what we need to say. We put them off because maybe it will be easier to do tomorrow. They’re difficult, they’re not pleasant, and they make us uncomfortable. They evoke fear. Fear? Really, fear? Yes. According to Lexico.com, fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” We fear having these conversations because we know they have the potential to cause pain, unpleasantness, or harm to the person with whom we are conversing, or even ourselves. This is not physical danger—well, usually it’s not—but emotional pain. Not to go too much into the deep end of the nerd pool, but numerous studies have shown Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 134 that emotional pain activates the same parts of the brain where we experience physical pain.48 This means we can cause feelings of physical distress when we have these conversations. Yikes! Lexico.com defines courage as “the ability to do something that frightens one.” When the sound of gunshots is heard, most people run away from the sound. We, as law enforcement, run towards the gunfire. If we’re honest with ourselves, we realize that we experienced fear, briefly, but we acted in spite of that fear. We acted with courage. So, why don’t we show more courage when it comes to having that unpleasant conversation that we need to have? When we hear shots, or get dispatched to the stabbing in progress, or some other “hot” call, we don’t have much time to be afraid or acknowledge our fear. The difference is, we have lots of time to think about that talk we need to have with Officer Alwayslate. The more we put it off, the more we feed the fear, and the more courage it takes to have the conversation. Put it off long enough and it never happens. The issue goes unaddressed and we end up with a leadership failure. A courageous conversation is one we’re afraid to have. It’s when we fear talking about an issue that could cause feelings of discomfort, uneasiness, or pain. The courageous conversation is not limited to a work environment; it can occur with your spouse, parent, sibling, or neighbor. We’ll be referring to a work context, but the skills you develop may also be applied in any situation. When you’re a leader, it’s not a question of if, but when, you will have to have a courageous conversation. I want to be clear and manage your expectations. The ideas and techniques that follow won’t make your courageous conversations more comfortable. If they become comfortable or easy to have, they no longer require courage; they’re just conversations. However, if you do develop and use these techniques, your courageous conversations will become more effective and you’ll gain confidence in your ability to engage in them with competence. Let’s start with something SIMPLE. The Courageous Conversation 135 Listening Made SIMPLE To be an effective leader and build your courageous conversation competence, you must consciously work on your listening skills. Are you a good listener? Of course you are. I’ve never heard someone say, “I’m a really bad listener, I just talk.” Why do we all think we’re great listeners, when the fact is that most of us, by definition, are average? Why do we all think we’re great at listening, but aren’t? Because listening—true, active listening—is hard to do. The problem lies between our ears. Simply put, you think much faster than you speak. We speak at roughly 125 words per minute, but we have the mental capacity to understand roughly 400 words per minute. This means your brain is only operating at 25% of its capacity when you’re on the listening side of a conversation. Operating this way, you get bored and your mind wanders. When your mind wanders you start thinking about other things and doing other things. You zone out, check your phone, think about what you’re going to say when it’s your turn to talk, or just jump in and interrupt the other person. After all, what you have to say is more important than what they’re saying, right? If you want to be an effective leader, you must develop your listening skills to the highest level. This means developing your active listening skills. What is active listening? It consists of two parts. The first is when you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying, but the whole message being communicated. This requires fully listening to what’s being said and what’s being communicated by the tone, inflection, and body language if face to face. The second part is responding thoughtfully, using verbal and nonverbal techniques, to the message received. Active listening is simple to understand, but difficult to do. It requires practice and discipline. In my opinion, it’s also one of the most important pieces of your leader armor. Developing your active listening raises your leadership capacity, builds trust, and adds value to others. Being a good listener can positively shape your attitude and emotions.49 Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 136 This shouldn’t surprise you, but I’ve come up with an acronym to capture the skills necessary to develop your active listening competence. Think about making listening SIMPLE. Single Task When it’s time to have a courageous conversation, you must focus on the conversation and nothing else. Get rid of anything that will distract from the conversation at hand. Shut down your computer, turn your phone on silent (not vibrate), and turn off your alerts. You might think you are good at multitasking, but I promise, you are not. Science has proven, over and over, that humans are bad at multitasking.50 Computers can multitask. That is, they can execute multiple tasks or programs at the same time with zero loss in efficiency. But wait, humans can do more than one thing at a time, such as walk and chew gum, so we can multitask, right? Wrong. Even if you think you’re a good multitasker—and you’re not— think about it from the other person’s perspective. Which shows more value to you, someone who’s constantly checking their computer, text messages, and everything else in the room, or someone who makes eye contact with you and is focused solely on what you are saying? Save your multitasking for the ride home, when you can drive, text, talk, and make a grocery list, all while driving. Seriously, I don’t condone distracted driving, but it seems like the same idiots who think they can multitask while driving think they can multitask during a conversation.51 Don’t just focus on the person, let them know you’re doing so. If the conversation takes place in your office, invite them in and shut the door so that you can speak without interruptions. If you sit down at your desk, let them know you are turning off the monitor and silencing your cell phone(s) so you won’t be distracted. This shows that you value them and your time with them. It shows respect and that you feel the conversation is important. In short, you’re creating an environment for success. The Courageous Conversation 137 Inquire Communication is derived from the Latin word communis, meaning “common.” True communication comes from commonality. The more we have in common, the better we will achieve connection during communication. To discover commonality and achieve connection, ask questions. As leaders, sometimes we think our point of view, our opinion, is more important than others’. We spend most of the conversation telling others what we think and how to fix things. I’m not saying that you never give your opinion or tell others what to do. As a leader, you will have to make decisions and implement them. You will try to help people with their problems. You will have to set minimum expectations and hold people accountable when they don’t achieve them. However, when having a courageous conversation, asking questions, at least at the beginning, will create connection and show you value the other person. Asking questions allows you to avoid assumptions and ensure you have the full and complete picture before trying to fix things. While you sort of act like a detective, asking questions to uncover facts, don’t turn the conversation into an interrogation. Open-ended questions, those that cannot be answered with a yes or no, are best for establishing connection. Open-ended questions usually start with how, what, or why. “What other possibilities are there?”, “What happened?”, and “Why do you think that happened?”. Be extra careful with the why questions, since they can often come across as judgmental. Minimal Encouragers One of your goals should be to spend no more than 50% of the conversation talking. Sometimes this is a challenge, especially if you’re sitting across from a person who is naturally introverted and who might not feel comfortable speaking in front of you (remember psychological safety?). To get the other person to speak more, you can use minimal encouragers. These are subtle words, phrases, or body language designed to motivate Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 138 speech. Examples of words and phrases include, “Okay,” “Go on,” “I see,” “Really?”, “Tell me more about…”, “And then what happened?”, and “Um hmm.” Body language includes nodding your head, smiling, leaning forward, and raising your eyebrows. These words and actions convey signals that the other person should continue speaking and help the flow of conversation progress. Paraphrase George Bernard Shaw famously stated, “The greatest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place.” Sometimes we think we understand what the other person is saying, but due to our own mental filters or distraction, we misinterpret what is said. Paraphrasing is rephrasing the essential meaning behind what the speaker has said. When listening to the other person, occasionally restate what you think they’re saying in your own words. This allows the speaker to clarify any misunderstanding and confirm the meaning you gathered is correct. Examples of paraphrasing include, “What I think you’re saying is…”, “So you’re saying deadlines stress you out?”, and “I’m hearing that you’re confused about the next promotion exam.” Label emotions Emotions are what makes a conversation a difficult one. They start before the conversation does. Think about the last time you had to have a courageous conversation. Did you experience anxiety? Did you lose sleep the night before, thinking about what you were going to say and how you were going to say it? Were you apprehensive about how the other person was going to react? Often, these emotions cloud our thinking and trigger the primitive brain to override the thinking part of our brain. When this hijack occurs, we say and do things we later regret. So how do you avoid, or at least minimize, the chance of emotions becoming a barrier to effective communication? Label them. The Courageous Conversation 139 Acknowledging and identifying emotions felt by another person validates what they’re feeling. Labeling positive emotion reinforces them. Labeling negative emotions takes away their power to hijack the conversation. Instead of calling out emotions, most of us do the opposite, we minimize and avoid talking about them. Think about a conversation where things get heated and the other person appears to be upset. A common reaction could be to say, “Look, don’t be silly, you have nothing to feel angry about,” or maybe, “Hey, get over it.” You push back against the emotions with brute force. By saying such words, you’re minimizing what the other person is feeling. Chances are, if they weren’t angry before, they would be now, simply because you marginalized their feelings. Instead of pushing back and resisting emotions, go with them. Be like a jiujitsu practitioner and embrace their emotions to take away their negative power. Try a response such as, “You sound very angry.” Chances are, you’ll hear a response like, “Yes, I am absolutely angry…” and then they will expound on the reasons for their anger. Or maybe they will say, “I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated with…”. Either way, they’ll vent and defuse their negative emotions, allowing higher-level thinking and calmness to come back into the conversation. Embrace silence After you have asked a question, labeled an emotion, and/or used minimal encouragers, you must listen. Listening requires not talking. You might Labeling positive emotions reinforces them. Labeling negative emotions takes away their power to hijack the conversation. Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 140 or might not have laughed at that last sentence, but seriously, sometimes not talking is hard to do, especially when nobody is saying anything. In general, any break in the conversational flow resulting in silence that lasts longer than four seconds causes people to become uncomfortable.52 This is sometimes referred to as an “awkward silence” in a conversation. What do people do when they experience an awkward silence? They fill the silence by talking. As a SIMPLE listener, you can use this silence to your advantage. Understand there will be natural breaks in your courageous conversation. Understand that you will feel awkward and uncomfortable when this happens. Embrace this silence and the uneasy feelings it brings. If you can keep your mouth shut long enough, the other person will also experience the uneasy silence and fill it by talking. Remember your SIMPLE goal is to listen twice as much as you talk. Embracing silence takes practice, but it will help you achieve that goal. Feedback Delivering feedback is something you’ll be expected to do as a first-line supervisor. Know now that your feedback will always be biased; it’s from your point of view, after all. Feedback, if given in a constructive manner, includes sharing information and your perceptions with another person about the nature, quality, and impact of their behavior on the mission and goals of the organization. Feedback is generally going to be positive or negative. Which one do you use? While I’m a strong advocate for positive feedback, both have their place. Employees receiving positive feedback were 30 times more likely to feel engaged than those receiving no feedback at all. The Courageous Conversation 141 Catch Them Doing Something Right Positive feedback is the most effective and should always be your first choice. In 2009, the Gallup Organization found that employees receiving positive feedback were 30 times more likely to feel engaged than those receiving no feedback at all. Make it a habit of catching your people doing something right. When you’re leading by walking around and making your observations, you will see people doing their jobs in an exemplary manner. Make your feedback specific about behavior you have observed. Telling your dispatcher, “Nice job handling that call,” is a good start, but you can do better. Instead, say something such as, “I heard you handling that suicide call. You kept your voice calm and soothing. You really conveyed empathy and understanding with your words. Great job.” See the difference? Be specific in your praise. This type of positive feedback also stimulates the DOSE chemicals. When people experience these feel-good chemicals during or just after performing well, they tend to perform well more often. What about those times when someone is not performing well, engaging in inappropriate behavior, or has violated policy or procedure? In these situations, negative feedback, ranging from verbal counseling to discipline, is called upon. This might surprise you, but the Gallup Organization also found that employees who received negative feedback were twenty times more likely to be engaged than when they received no feedback at all. How is that possible? Because people want to know how they’re doing, even if they’re doing poorly. Giving feedback, even if it’s negative, shows that you’re paying attention and value their Giving feedback, even if it’s negative, shows that you’re paying attention and value their performance. Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 142 performance. So how do you use negative feedback appropriately? Use the Hot Stove Rule. The Hot Stove Rule The Hot Stove Rule is a management principle given to us by Douglass McGreggor in 1960. Don’t let the date fool you; this is still the most effective way to deliver negative feedback and discipline. McGreggor gave us an analogy of the hot stove to think about when we have to deliver negative feedback. By remembering his four rules or features of the hot stove when you deliver negative feedback, you’ll maximize the chance of changing bad behavior and minimize the chance of creating resentment and breaking trust. When the time comes to deliver negative feedback, think of yourself as a hot stove: 1. Forewarning: The hot stove is usually red; it gives a clear warning. Be clear about your expectations. Policies, procedures, and expectations have to be open and explicit. They must know, in advance, what the performance standards are. 2. Immediate Consequences: The stove burns, immediately, every time it’s touched. Conversations about performance should take place immediately. Don’t wait two days, two weeks, or two months to deliver feedback/discipline. Even worse, don’t wait until the performance evaluation to tell them about something they did wrong almost a year ago. 3. Consistency: No matter how many times you touch the hot stove, you receive the same consequences every time. Anyone who works for you should know they’ll receive consistent feedback any time they fail to meet expectations or violate policy or procedure. 4. Impartial: The hot stove treats everyone equally. Race, gender, and personality don’t matter to the stove; it treats everyone the same, according to their behavior. Negative feedback and discipline should always be connected to the offensive behavior, not the person who The Courageous Conversation 143 commits it. Anyone who violates policies, procedures, or expectations is subject to the same feedback. If you keep the image of the hot stove as a model, you’ll be able to deliver negative feedback in a competent manner, and people will respect you for it. Performance Appraisals, Quick Tips Most agencies require formal feedback to be given in a written performance evaluation that is delivered on a semiannual or annual basis. As a leader, I encourage you not to wait until the performance review before you give feedback. Engaged employees receive feedback on a regular basis. This doesn’t mean you have to make every feedback session a formal, sit-down, and documented ordeal. People like to know how they’re doing and where they stand with their boss. Don’t wait until the review date to let your people know how they’re doing. It’s not fair to them and won’t increase engagement. Here are a few tips for writing better performance appraisals: 1. Know your agency rules and policies regarding performance evaluations. 2. Ensure your direct reports get a blank copy of their performance evaluation at the beginning of each rating period. This will ensure they know, exactly, what they will be rated on. 3. Make giving feedback a habit. When you engage in Leadership By Walking Around, keep this in mind and try to catch your people doing something right. Remember to give feedback based on specific, observable behaviors. 4. Don’t write the performance review once a year; instead, write it in small pieces throughout the year. Set aside time once a day or once a week to make notes about your observations. 5. Set up an email folder for each of your direct reports. Email yourself a note about what you’ve observed that day or week. (Be aware and Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 144 follow your agency’s requirements for keeping supervisor files/notes. Often, this means the employee must get a copy of anything that goes into their file). By the time you’re ready to write the evaluation, you will have specific observations to put into the document. Use this folder to capture emails such as compliments from other citizens or officers throughout the rating period. 6. Understand the performance evaluation document should never contain anything that’s a surprise to the employee. Anything included in the document should be something you’ve already discussed with them. 7. Schedule a meeting to go over the performance evaluation. Send a copy to your direct report prior to the meeting. This gives them a chance to read it, think about it, and formulate questions. 8. Once the review meeting is done, consider using this time as an opportunity to get feedback on your leadership. I say something such as, “Now that we’re done with your review, I wanted to give you an opportunity to give me some feedback on how I’m doing. What should I stop doing? What should I continue doing? What should I start doing?” Giving and receiving regular and genuine feedback will set you apart as a leader. In the next chapter we will discuss the type of leader you want to be and help you figure out where your blind spots are. It Could Have Been Said Better “Go do your fucking job!” Really? That’s what I said. I thought about it the entire shift. I was really disappointed in myself. At the end of the shift, when my rational brain was once again in charge, I asked Heckle and Jeckle to step into a vacant office with me. “Look, I’m sorry I blew up at you this morning. That wasn’t the way I should have handled the situation and I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.” Heckle chimed in, “Yeah, we knew you’d be on our side.” The Courageous Conversation 145 “Hold on. Hear me out. Although the delivery was bad, the spirit of the message stands. First, there’s only one side. We’re all on the same team. Second, I’ve agreed with you on several issues that have come up with the sergeant, but on this one he is well within his right to ask you, in a ten-hour shift, to produce one piece of paper, to show you did something productive. I’d be embarrassed to only have one piece of paper from my shift. I certainly wouldn’t brag about it and I definitely wouldn’t fight the sergeant on it.” They didn’t have a counterargument. They were pushing to see how far they could go until someone had a courageous conversation with them. As it turns out, they did start producing a little more each shift, not much, but a few pieces of paper. Once they were called out on their behavior, it changed. Neither of them became superstars, but they met the expectations from their boss, and the conflict ended then and there. Sometimes, just having the conversation is enough. So far, we’ve discussed leading yourself, your boss, and your people. It’s time to talk about leading your future self. How high do you want to climb in your organization? Leader Armor for Law Enforcement 146 Chapter 8: Lessons Learned Having a difficult conversation with someone takes courage. The longer you put off these conversations, the less likely you are to have them If you avoid difficult conversations, issues will go unaddressed, resulting in a failure of your leadership. Listening is a crucial skill to develop. It must be practiced to improve. Use the SIMPLE model to improve your listening ability. Positive feedback is most effective, but even negative feedback is better than none. Follow the Hot Stove Rule to deliver negative feedback.

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