Assertiveness Masterclass PDF by Chris Croft

Assertiveness Masterclass by Chris Croft lauantai 5. lokakuuta 2024 15.06 Assertiveness Masterclass - How to be Assertive & Likeable by Chris Croft Master assertiveness and confidence with this practical in-depth guide by a world expert Course content Introduction Understanding Yourself Changing the Behavior of Others Control by Detachment Mantras Words to use Negative Emotions Positive Approaches When attacked Negotiate Toxic People Wrap Up Udemy Page 1 Introduction lauantai 5. lokakuuta 2024 15.13 1. Welcome Transcript Welcome to this course on assertiveness. Basically, how do you handle difficult people in an assertive way? And assertiveness is to do with standing up for your rights and getting what you want out of conversations and out of situations. And assertiveness is a big, complicated, difficult subject. But it's okay because we're going to cover everything you need to know. It's more than just a skill. It's kind of a habit. It's almost how you live your life. And what I've done is I've broken it down into lots of little steps so that you can gradually learn each part and then you can practice it. And I'm imagining you might do one video a day, and then you might go away and apply it and think about it. Mail it over. Try it out on some people who aren't expecting it. So you might do a video. You might even do a video a week. And you might want to take a year gradually just practising this material. The great thing is, it's up to you. So you can go at any speed you like and go back to a video. You can take longer or shorter over any part of this course. But by the end of the course, we will have covered everything you need to know about assertiveness, and you will have had a chance to really think about it and try it and practice it. And I think this could be the only assertiveness course that actually works. It's all very well to study this subject in one big lump, and you come away going, Yeah, I understand that now, but how do you put it into practice? And I think bite sized learning is the way to do it. So I really hope you enjoy this course and it makes a big difference to how your life pans out from now on. So let's get started. From 2. What is Assertiveness? Transcript What is assertiveness? Well, assertiveness is really to do with believing that you are okay, believing that Udemy Page 2 Well, assertiveness is really to do with believing that you are okay, believing that you have a right to be treated properly by other people and then standing up for your rights. Assertiveness cropped up in every situation in life. Every interaction you have with another person could be at work, could be at home, might be in a shop asking for a refund, could be even big things with families. It might be saying to your in-laws that you don't want them to visit you at Christmas. It could be something huge. And certainly in your personal relationships with your partner, it might be telling them that they have habits that annoy you. Assertiveness is there in every relationship that you have. So involves a certain amount of courage and a certain amount of honesty when you deal with other people. And that can be difficult. And it also involves handling people who are either aggressive or very submissive in the right way. So it's very easy to be pushed out of line when you're dealing with other people. So if somebody is very aggressive towards you, it's tempting to be too submissive and not stand up for your rights. And paradoxically, you can get it the other way as well. So if you're dealing with somebody who's very submissive, you might be tempted to forget to respect their rights and you might end up being a bit aggressive. And some people go through their whole life either being submissive or being aggressive, and it becomes a tactic that they use to get what they want in life. And these tactics can work, but generally they're not good tactics. So being aggressive can allow you to get what you want in some situations. But of course, longer term, it's going to lead to problems. And being submissive can allow you to avoid trouble and go along underneath the radar. But it also means that you don't get what you want in life in the longer term. So assertiveness is a kind of mental way between being aggressive and being submissive, but it's more than just being in the middle because it's to do with standing up for your own rights, but also respecting the rights of the other person. So it's kind of a win win approach where aggression is win lose and being submissive is lose win. So that's what we're going to look at. We're going to look at how can you get that win win outcome when you're dealing with all these other people who might be a bit aggressive, they might be a bit submissive, or they might just be tricky. So assertiveness is standing up for your own rights and getting the best out of every situation. From 1.2+Opport unities+fo... Udemy Page 3 1.2+Opport unities+fo... Udemy Page 4 3. Stand up for your rights Transcript A key part of assertiveness is about rights, about respecting the rights of other people, but also standing up for your own rights. And you've got all sorts of rights. For example, you've got a right to have an opinion and to express it. It's a free country. You've got a right to express an opinion. If people don't like it, that's fine. They've got a right to disagree, but you've got a right to express your opinion. You've also got a right to ask for your needs. So, for example, time to think. So suppose in a meeting they go, come on, come on. Just make a decision. You can say, no, I need time to think about this and you've got a right to have time to think. You've also got a right to be treated politely. So if somebody is being rude, you've got a right to say, I don't like it when you treat me like I don't like it when you shout at me or swear at me or put pressure on me. I've got a right to be treated politely. Everyone has got that right. You've also got a right to know why somebody wants something doing the particular piece of work they want. If you say, Well, why do you want this? If they care? Oh, you don't need to know. Just do it. You say, Well, no, I'd like to know and remember, you've got a right to ask why. You've also got the right to disagree with people, and they may not like you disagreeing. And that's fine. People can have different views, but you've got a right to disagree. And finally, you've got a right to be heard. So in a meeting, if you say something and it gets ignored, you've got a right to say, Can I just say that again? Because I don't think you quite caught that. Udemy Page 5 Because I don't think you quite caught that. Just calmly and politely repeat yourself. You've got a right to be heard. So a key part of this subject is realising that you've got rights and then standing up for them. So are there any rights that you have that you feel that other people are not respecting at the moment? And if there are, I hope this course is going to help you to stand up for those rights. From 4. What do you need this course for? Transcript The best way to get the maximum out of this course is to have some situations in mind. And then each technique that I give you, you can think, Would that work for that situation? Oh, yeah, right. So I'm going to try it on that person or that situation when it crops up next and you'll be ready for them. So before I start anything, I want you to just think of two or three situations. By the way, if you can think of 20, that's fantastic. But at least two or three situations, either difficult people or difficult situations that crop up, situations where at the moment you don't know what to do or which words to use. They might be at home, they might be at work, they might be with strangers that you encounter every now and then, or they might be with people you know really well. But see if you can think of either a person who regularly does something or a situation that crops up every now and then and make a list. We'll give you a little downloadable form where you can list the person, the situation, and then whichever technique you're going to try when it next happens. From 1.4+Applyin g+Theory... Udemy Page 6 Udemy Page 7 Understanding Yourself lauantai 5. lokakuuta 2024 15.12 5. Introduction Transcript Welcome to this first section on assertiveness, which I've called Understanding Yourself, because I think you can't deal with difficult people in an assertive way unless you understand yourself and what goes on in your head. It might even be your fault sometimes, or you might contribute a little bit to a situation. But even if it's completely the other person's fault, we still have to know what we're doing in our mind when we deal with these other people. So in this first section, we're going to have a look at what goes on in your head. From 6. Ask yourself “Is it me?" Transcript The first thing to ask yourself when you're in a difficult situation or you're dealing with a difficult person is is it me? Am I causing this situation? Or am I at least partly responsible for this situation? Someone told me something a while ago that's really haunted me, which is if you don't like someone, then it's probably mutual. If you don't like someone, then they probably don't like you. And that really freaked me out because I kind of hope that most people like me, but maybe they don't. I think we all probably think like that. And yet I know there are quite a lot of people who I don't like. And now I'm thinking, Oh, no, all these people don't like me either. And maybe that's the case. So I should face up to that fact that maybe it's something that I'm doing. We always assume it's the other person, but they're assuming it's us. So could it actually be at least partly us? Let's say there's a 50% chance that it's you. How do you know? How can you work out whether you are actually the problem or at least part of the problem? And I would say the first thing is, if it's frequent, if you quite often have arguments with people at work or you quite often have big rounds with your friends or whatever, it happens a lot. Then maybe it's you. If it's either frequent with one person or involves quite a lot of other people all in the same way. If you go, why does everybody do a particular thing? Then you've got to start thinking, maybe it's me, you know, why do people interrupt me? Maybe it's because I talk too slowly. Udemy Page 8 Maybe it's because I talk too slowly. Or. Why do people not smile when they meet me? Or whatever it is? Maybe it's something to do with your facial expression. So look, the pattern, if it's a lot of other people doing it, then it could be you. And remember that the thoughts that we find most annoying and other people are the ones that we also have ourselves. So, for example, one of my pet traits is that people who turn up late and maybe that means that sometimes I turn up late or another of my page is people who talk too much. Maybe that's annoying because I want to be talking. I want the air time. I also don't like people who are patronising, who talk down to me and say things like, Well, what you've got to remember, Chris, and that makes me think, Oh, maybe I do that. Maybe because I make these training courses, I think I know everything, so I've got to really watch myself on that. So it's very interesting to think, what are your pet hates and are you perhaps guilty of those things? And almost always we need to change a bit. None of us are perfect, there's no doubt about that. And if we're dealing with somebody else, if we don't change at all, it's going to be very hard to get them to give. It's like a negotiation. Everybody has to give something. You can't just completely dominate the other person and expect them to completely change. And it might be just difference. It might be. Let's say that I'm very fussy about time and somebody else is just pretty laid back about time. And so it's not that one of us is right or wrong, we're just different. And maybe if I could change and move a bit towards them, then that would make the situation much better. It might be that they're just a bit hopeless. Maybe they're just a very disorganized person, and if I'm the organized one, it would be easier for me to change. So if you're dealing with somebody who's a bit hopeless, well, maybe they're completely tactless and you're hoping that they're going to become more tactful. That's a big ask. So why not adapt and just think? Well, that's how they are, and that doesn't have to annoy me. So I think if we're different or they're a bit hopeless, maybe the burden is on us to change, or at least to change and meet them halfway in the middle. So what you think about this now? Are you bad at adapting to other people? Are you a bit impatient? Do you tend to say I don't suffer fools? What is it that triggers you? Is it lateness? Udemy Page 9 Is it lateness? Is it rudeness? And is there some way that you could get better at adapting to that? To rise above it and to think, Well, this person's not very good in this particular area, but that's okay because I can rise above. I can adapt. From 7. Appreciation of different skills Transcript There's an idea in team working that the ideal team is a mixture of people and you need all the types and therefore we should appreciate people who have different skills to us. And I think you can take this one step further and say we should appreciate people with different personalities to us. So it could be that the person who annoys us most because they're different to us is often the one that we need to work with. And we need this person in our team. We need to work with them because they complete our weaknesses. So for example, you might be a detail person, and that means that the person you need to work with is that pushy, big picture. Let's get on with it person. And similarly, if you're the pushy, big picture person, you need to work with the detail person even though you're going to find them annoying. So appreciate their strengths, realize that they help and think of it as good that you don't have to bother with the detail because you've got this other person who'll do that for you. Similarly, you might be a caring person and you might work with a very task focused person who you might find quite unpleasant and harsh, but maybe you need that person to get the job done. And if you're the task person and you've got this fluffy, caring person, maybe they are the person you need and you should appreciate them because thank goodness they doing that bit that you do want. I've got a couple of other examples. Maybe just speed, maybe you're just a very quick, decisive person and you're working with somebody who's a bit slow and you find them annoying. But maybe being slow can be a strength because they're really thinking things through. They're going to notice things more than you are. They're going to spot details. They're going to read what other people are thinking, whereas you're just going to be going blundering through. And so if you're the slow person and you feel a bit overpowered by somebody else, maybe you need them to push things along. And what about risk? Udemy Page 10 And what about risk? Maybe you're a risk taker and somebody else is very careful and cautious and you need them, even though you might find them annoying. And if you're too careful person, you might find the risk taker dangerous and they might worry you. But actually, perhaps they're good for you to push you sometimes out of your comfort zone, and then you've got the positive versus negative person. Maybe the positive person needs the negative person just to put the brakes on occasionally. And of course, the negative person needs the positive person to make things happen. Finally, you've got the creative person versus the getting on and building it person and you can see how the creative person would think, Well, no, let's just have a few more ideas before we start. And the build it person is thinking, let's just get on and do this. But you need both. So appreciate each other. So I want you to think now about who do you find difficult and could you find some way to appreciate their difference to you? From 2.3+Compli mentary+... Udemy Page 11 Udemy Page 12 8. What are your scripts? Transcript I want to introduce you to the idea of scripts, because we have these things called life scripts which control our behavior. These are beliefs about ourselves that we have in our heads that control us. They don't have to control us. And once we know about them, we can stop them controlling us. But most people are controlled by their scripts without even realizing. So you might say, for example, Oh, this particular thing really gets me like, you know, having to queue in a post office really annoys me, which it does actually. And that's a script because it's a belief about myself that tells me to get annoyed in post offices. And that's a very specific script. So when I'm in the post office, I think, how shall I behave? And I think, Oh yeah, well, queues in post offices really annoy me. So then I get all impatient at the back of the queue and then that strengthens my belief for next time that I get impatient in a post office queue. Now sometimes scripts are broadened out a bit more, so you might say people like this really annoy me. So you've got a script which kicks in whenever you meet anybody who's like that. And then you might get a really broad script which says something like, I get annoyed easily, and then you can see how that script is just going to make you behave in a non optimal way in all sorts of situations. If you've got a really big script like I get annoyed easily or I often lose my temper. But even that is just a belief about yourself, which will, if you're not careful, control your behaviour when it may not be what you want to do. But you'll be go. Well, that's just what I do. I can't help it. And you've got a script which says I can't help it. It's what I do. Now you can change your script. And it starts with realising that they're controlling you. So once you realise you're just following a path, you always follow. You can think, Well, I don't have to follow this path if I don't want to. Why should I follow this path? And then you can stop this self-reinforcing loop that's happening. And the way to get rid of a script is to start a mantra or a little self-talk phrase, which is the opposite of the script. So you could say, when I'm in post offices, if there's a queue, I always remain calm. I can remain calm in this type of situation. These type of people don't annoy me. So when you meet that sort of person, you just say to yourself, These type of people Don't annoy me. It's fine. It's a chance to practice my patience. And if you go to script, which says I get annoyed, easily replace it with a mantra that Udemy Page 13 And if you go to script, which says I get annoyed, easily replace it with a mantra that says nothing annoys me, or I decide whether to get annoyed because I'm in control of my own emotions. And you keep saying that until it replaces the script, it's in your mind. Now, you may have to say it quite a few times because these scripts are quite deeply embedded, because remember, you've gone round that loop. I mean, how many times have I been impatient in a post office over my life? It's probably 200. So I've really got a lot of evidence that I get impatient when I walk into the post office and there's a queue and I've got that evidence. But if I keep saying I don't have a problem with queues, I'm fine with queues. If I say that perhaps 30 times, that's probably enough to replace all that historical evidence that I've got in my head. So decide what your mantra is going to be or self-talk phrase, and then keep saying it. Say it every day, say it when you get into that situation. And what will happen is you will gradually be able to take control back over how you behave in any situation. From 2.4+What+ Are+Your... Udemy Page 14 9. Wrap Up Udemy Page 15 9. Wrap Up Transcript So those were some ideas about what might be going on in your own head, the idea that you have scripts, the idea that it might be partly you that's contributing to some of these difficult situations. And the idea that sometimes our own faults are what we find annoying in other people, and sometimes other people have strengths or different abilities that can be useful to us when we work with them. But now we need to move on to the all-important subject of Can you actually change other people? From Udemy Page 16 Changing the Behavior of Others lauantai 5. lokakuuta 2024 15.12 10. Introduction Transcript Can you change other people? Is it worth trying to change other people? Is it possible that you can't change the person's personality but you can change how they behave towards you? So that's what we're going to explore in this section. From 11. Is it worth changing people? Transcript If you're faced with a difficult person or a difficult situation, you've got three choices, really. And the first one is just to live with their behaviour. Maybe it doesn't matter that much. Maybe it's not worth a big confrontation. Just live with the fact that they turn up 5 minutes late to your meetings, for example. The second one is to minimise the effect of their behaviour to contain it in some way. So take a book to the meeting so it doesn't matter if they turn up late. Similar to living with it, but maybe you can minimise the effect that they have. Your third option is to try to change them and changing them could be changing their behaviour towards you or it could be changing their behaviour in this particular situation. Or it could be both. It might be just changing their behaviour towards you in this particular situation. So at least they turn up on time to your meetings. They're still late to everything else and it's still late in all the other times they deal with you. But for this particular meeting, this person turns up on time. Can we change their behaviour? Is it worth the effort? Well, one thing's for sure. Changing other people is difficult, and changing their personality is almost impossible. And really, why should we? What rights do we have to do that? But we teach people how to treat us. We teach people how to treat us. So if someone turns up late to your meeting and you don't say anything, you're allowing that to happen. So we do teach other people what they can get away with. So I think the first question to ask when somebody does something that you feel is unacceptable is will it repeat? Because if it's a one off, does it really matter? You know, if you're in a shop and somebody says something to you, you're never Udemy Page 17 You know, if you're in a shop and somebody says something to you, you're never going to see them again. Does it matter if he's not going to repeat? Why bother to make a thing of it? Just let it go. But if it's a relationship where you work with somebody or you know you live with them, then it's going to be a repeating issue and it is worth doing something about. So that's the first question should always ask yourself is is this situation going to repeat? The same question is what is it costing us? Does it matter if this person does it? But remember that if you can change their behaviour, then you have also helped everyone else who comes into contact with this person. So if you are in a shop and say the assistant is a bit rude, you ask them is it in stock? And they go. If it's not on the shelf, we haven't got it. Or something like that. Which does annoy me, you know, it's not costing me anything. It's not going to repeat. But if I can change the behaviour of that shop assistant and say that's not very helpful is it? Then I have helped everyone else who comes into contact with this person. So that is a thought. But I would say really the big rule is if it's not costing you anything and if it's not going to repeat, let it go. It's not worth trying to change that person. So what I'd like you to do now is when you come into contact with whoever you've got in your mind or whatever the next difficult situation is, just ask yourself, is this just a one off? Is it costing me anything? And if not, is it better just to let it go? From 12. Know what you want Transcript Probably the most important thing to do in any difficult situation is to think, What is my objective? What are my objectives in this situation? What do I want to happen? And then calmly stick to getting those. I'll give you a couple of examples. I played in a band recently and we had a bass player who used to drink too much. So by the time we got to the second half of the gig, the bass player was really quite sort of sozzled. He didn't get aggressive or anything like that. He would just become a bit sort of woozy. And the problem was he would start playing the wrong notes. And in fact, once he played the wrong bass line to a whole song. Udemy Page 18 And in fact, once he played the wrong bass line to a whole song. And we thought, That's interesting. What's he doing? We realised after playing a different song. So that's what the bass player did. And the guitarist used to constantly complain to me about the bass player and you say, Oh, we've got to do something about him. Oh, he's useless. Oh, he's too drunk, etc.. And I used to say, Well, what do you want to do about it? And the guitarist would say, Oh, I don't know, but he's rubbish, isn't he? And my point was, you've got to decide, do we want to get rid of him? Do we want to stop him drinking? Do we want to write his music down so that he can play even when drunk? Are we just going to limit the amount he drinks? What's our plan? And the guitarist didn't want to face up to that. He just kept going, Oh, he's just rubbish. I don't know, he's just rubbish. So the first thing is to decide what is your objective in this situation? And then you've got a chance of achieving it. Otherwise nothing will ever get resolved. Another example is about hotel rooms. If there's something wrong with your hotel room, what do you do? Most people either do nothing and they just stay there and they think, Well, I'm not going to come back here again or they tell other people. So they go on TripAdvisor and they write some sort of a review or whatever. But really, both of those are not very assertive, more assertive or perhaps even aggressive. Used to complain to the manager and ring them up or go down to the desk. And this room is terrible and I don't like it. You could do that, but it doesn't really achieve your objective. Or what is your objective? If your objective is just to give feedback to the manager, then fine, you've achieved that. But surely there's a better objective you could have than that. Or you could send an email after you've stayed. I didn't like your hotel, but again, what does that achieve? So much better to decide what your objectives going to be and perhaps ask to move room. I want to move to a new room, a better room, upgrade me because of the hassle of moving. Or I'd like a voucher for a free stay, another stay so that when I come back, you can prove to me that your hotel is all right. Or perhaps you just like money off your stay. So if you can decide what your objective is, is it money off? Is it the voucher? Is it to move room? Then it's relatively easy to achieve that objective. So in any situation, it's much more than just letting off steam and having a go at somebody. It's about deciding what you want to achieve and then calmly working out how to get it. Udemy Page 19 get it. That's what assertiveness is. Calmly achieving your objectives. So I want you to view yourself now as you go through the next few days and just think. In these situations I find myself in, do I know clearly what my objective is and do I then just calmly set about achieving it? From 13. Making them aware Transcript The first step towards changing someone's behaviour is to make sure that they are aware of it. It could well be they're doing it subconsciously. They don't even know. So once we've made them aware in a polite way, then they have no option but to either change their behaviour or to say to us that they don't care what we think and that's going to be a problem. So the first step is to politely make them aware of it. So let's say, for example, that you've got a customer who keeps rescheduling meetings and moving the dates of appointments, and it's difficult. The first thing would be to say, Have you noticed how often you move the meetings around? And that is a problem for me. It's very difficult for me to organise my diary just calmly and politely say to them, Have you noticed that this happens quite a lot? You've probably got good reasons for it, but it is difficult for me now if they deny doing it. And quite often people will deny things because they're not aware of it, they've never thought about it. And their first instinct is to say, Well, I don't do that. Then you could suggest that you pointed out next time they do it. So next time you do that, shall I point out? Well, let's suppose you've got somebody who gets very heated very quickly in meetings, and you could politely say, by the way, I've noticed that you do get heated really fast in meetings. So that makes it hard to discuss things calmly. And they'll go, Oh, I do not do I don't think I do. You can say, Well, that's okay, but shall I just pointed out, next time you do it, you could say, Well, maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. But shall I pointed out next time I see it, and they'll have to say, Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pointed out next time I do it they've got nowhere to go, if you say shall I pointed out next time. And then it's a question of do they want to change once. They are definitely aware of the behaviour and they know that you are aware of Udemy Page 20 They are definitely aware of the behaviour and they know that you are aware of their behaviour as well. Then we get down to the more difficult question of do they want to change? So step one of any difficult confrontation is to make them aware of their behaviour. So try to think now about difficult people you deal with and have you made them aware that they have that behaviour? Could it be that they don't even realise that they're doing it? From 14. Rewarding bad behaviour Transcript A big assertiveness rule is don't reward bad behaviour. Because if you let people get away with bad behaviour, they will continue to do it. In fact, they'll probably do it more and it'll get worse and worse. So for example, if you take lateness, if you reward lateness and you wait for them to arrive before you start the meeting, then they will start to think, well, it doesn't matter if I'm late and they'll probably get later and later and later, or the person who doesn't do their share of housework or whatever it might be or their share of a project, if you do the work for them, then they will just think and they probably do this subconsciously, but they'll be thinking, Well, I don't have to do the work because they'll do it for me. So what's the alternative to rewarding bad behaviour? And ideally you would make their behaviour cost them and ideally you would make sure that they can see the cost clearly at the time rather than discovering later that there's a cost. So ideally, if they turn up late for the meeting, you would tell them at the time, look, you're coming late and that's unacceptable to everybody else. So they would feel a little bit of pain, a little bit of cost immediately or even before. So ideally you would tell them before the situation comes up. So before the meeting, perhaps a week before the meeting, you would say you quite often turn up late to my meeting and you're not making me want to invite you to this meeting because you always turn up late. So would you be able to turn up on time next time? Or the person who doesn't do the washing up instead of just doing it for them and encouraging that habit? You could actually say to them, I'm not going to make you coffee if you don't wash up. So it'd be really great if you could do your share of the washing up. So make clear to them what the cost is going to be. And then they've got the choice, haven't they? If they choose to turn up late, or if they choose to not wash up, they really have volunteered for that cost. So are you encouraging bad behaviour? Udemy Page 21 So are you encouraging bad behaviour? Are you allowing it to carry on? Are you rewarding that bad behaviour even with the people you deal with? And how are you going to make the cost clear to them? From 15. What’s in it for THEM Transcript We've talked about not rewarding bad behavior. But the converse of this is to reward good behavior. What's in it for them if they change their behavior? And if we can spell this out to them, they're more likely to do it. Now, this might need some planning for what you're going to say. But if you can come up with some good wording, then it'll be really powerful. So for example, suppose you've got a client who keeps changing the project specification and you have to go this way and then this way, it's just driving you mad. What can you say to them that would encourage them to choose one direction and stick to it? And I think you could just say to them, if we can agree a project specification and keep to it, then the project will be cheaper then if we keep changing this as we go along. In fact, it'll be cheaper and quicker to get the project done. So I want you to just think about the difficult person that you have and what would be the benefit to them of them behaving better, and how are you going to actually word that and spell it out to them? From 3.6+Plan+t he+Conve... Udemy Page 22 Udemy Page 23 16. Setting Boundaries Transcript If you've tried to change somebody's behavior and you just can't. Then one option you've got is to have a demarcation line so that their behavior doesn't affect you. Just divide it down so that they've got their own area and the problem is contained. So I was thinking, for example, when I was a student, we would share a flat and maybe three or four of us sharing a flat. And it was quite often one person who just behaved really badly and we tried to get them to change and they just couldn't. They just wouldn't. They perhaps never did their share of the cleaning. So one way around this is to say that I'll do the cooking and you do the cleaning or the other way round. You know, I'll do all the cleaning and you do the cooking because then it's not a question of are they doing their share of the cleaning? If they are completely responsible for cleaning and they don't do it. It's going to be obvious or they hardly ever cook. If you make them do all the cooking, then they're going to have to do it. So that's one way to divide it. Another way is that I will cook for myself and clean for myself. And you cook and clean for yourself. And then it's up to them. If they don't cook or if they don't clean their own area, they'll just have to live in a pigsty, won't they? So having a dividing line means that what they do doesn't affect me anymore. Now I've got a couple of other examples. One is an estate agency. I know they've had constant problems that the people who are meant to do the phone calls don't do a good enough job. So when the others have to go and see a customer, they find that the phone call wasn't done right. And there's always this problem. So what they've done is they've said every estate agent does everything for themselves. This is like me doing the cooking and the cleaning. So the station does their own cold calls, sets up the visit. They do the visit. They do the follow up phone call. They do the paperwork. So if they fail to do any of those parts, then they don't make the sale and they don't earn any money. So they've made everybody accountable for their own area. And anyone who's behaving badly and not doing part of their job will suffer for it. So it's really obvious who's good and who isn't. And I love that demarcation. My final example is I've been thinking about a friend of mine who always takes advantage when we go to a restaurant. So what happens is that he always has the most expensive thing on the menu because Udemy Page 24 So what happens is that he always has the most expensive thing on the menu because he knows we're going to split the bill. And then he has loads of expensive drinks like whisky and stuff. So the bill turns out to be really huge. And I think, well, only about a third of that is mine, but I don't want to be really petty. So I've come up with this idea and I'm going to say, Look, to keep it simple, I'll just pay the first 38 or the first 40 quid. And if you just pay the rest, which will probably be less than that. How about that? If he agrees to this, then that means that every time he has something really expensive because we're already above the 40 quid in total, if he has something expensive, he's going to be paying for that completely himself. So again, we've got a demarcation of who pays for what. Without it being really petty, where we have to go and add up every item because that just that feels like too much hassle and not worth it. So that's my plan. I pay a lump amount and he pays the extra on top of that. So I want you to think now about who you deal with that's difficult. And if you really think that they are unchangeable, how can you make it so that there's a demarcation line so that they pay the cost of their own bad behaviour? From 17. Wrap Up Transcript So that's the end of that section where we're really thinking about is it worth trying to change the other person? Is it partly us? Is it partly them? Can we somehow divide the problem down? Can we at least make them aware of their behaviour and see if they change? And if they don't, maybe we can have a demarcation line where their behaviour only affects them. So I want to sum that section up by asking yourself is the other person actually a bad person? Do I have to change them? Is there a compromise? Maybe I should just live with how they are. Maybe I should make them aware of the problem. And we can talk about options. Because remember, other people aren't necessarily evil. They might just be different to you, or they might just be a little bit incompetent in some areas. From Udemy Page 25 Udemy Page 26 Control by Detachment lauantai 5. lokakuuta 2024 15.12 18. Introduction Transcript Quite often when you're dealing with a difficult person or you're in a difficult situation, the key is to be detached. You're probably expecting me to tell you how to argue with people, how to crush opposition, how to mess with their minds. And I will come to all of that later. But I think the first thing is to realize that you've got choices. You are actually in control of your thoughts. You are detached from situations. If you want to be. So rather than getting drawn in and getting emotional and ending up with an outcome that maybe wasn't what you wanted, the first thing is to be detached and to stand back and think, What do I want to get from this situation? Why is this person behaving like this? Why am I feeling like this? How interesting. And then what's going to be the best resolution from this situation? And that's what I want to delve into in this section. From 19. Detachment Transcript The first detachment technique that I'd like you to practice is to tell yourself it's not personal. The other person may have issues, but that's fine. I've got a right to stand up for myself. So to just tell yourself I am observing myself in this situation. So as you deal with this difficult person, it's human nature to get drawn in and get emotional. But don't just make a conscious effort to stand back. Almost like an out-of-body experience where you look down on yourself, playing a game with this person and observe yourself and see what you do to take all the emotion out of it and just think, what's the best outcome I'm going to aim for? How do I remain calm and quietly get the outcome I want? So just tell yourself it's not personal. And we've all had situations where somebody has perhaps been rude to us in a shop or whatever. It's nothing to do with you. They're probably rude to every customer. Udemy Page 27 They're probably rude to every customer. Or maybe they've got their own issues. Maybe their personal life is not going very well at the moment. So just tell yourself it's probably them. And that's what I do when I'm driving. So if another driver is rude to me while I'm driving, I just think, Oh dear, he's having a bad day. He's obviously got issues in his personal life. And who knows? It might have been something I did that wasn't very good, but nevertheless, he doesn't have to get all angry about it, does it? So he's probably got all sorts of things going on in his life that I don't know about. So detach from the situation and just think it's not personal. So I'd like you to have that in your mind for the next difficult situation that you find yourself in. From 20. Ask yourself “Does it matter?" Transcript In any difficult situation. A great question to ask yourself is, does it matter? Maybe it's not worth the hassle to confront this person. I mean, the ultimate example is road rage, where people actually get out of their cars and maybe even have a fight or they sort of damage each other's cars and it's just not worth the hassle. Somebody pulled out in front of you. So what? So try to say to yourself, is it worth the hassle of confronting this person? And even in a shop, is it worth confronting the shop assistant who's giving you bad service? Is it worth the hassle? Maybe just let it go. Maybe save your energy for the few situations where you are going to make a stand and don't make a stand every time over every little thing. Are you focusing too much on something? Because quite often we get obsessed with something like, Oh, that person always arrives a minute late for the meeting and how dare they? And it becomes an obsession that you focus on. So ask yourself, Am I focusing on this too much? Or the website that loses your data after you've typed it all in, you have to go back and type it in a second time. You can let it really get on top of you and think, Oh, well, you could just think it's no big deal. I've just got to type it all the second time. So all of these things, they can get on top of you and you can start to get angry and frustrated, or you can just think whatever doesn't really matter. Udemy Page 28 or you can just think whatever doesn't really matter. There's a Buddhist saying, I think, which says all things will pass. And I like that because there might be something that's annoying you at the time, but all things will pass. You know, you're in the airport. There's a massive queue. It's ridiculous. Why do we have to fill in this stupid form? But all things will pass. And in an hour's time, we'll be out of the airport. We'll be there in the sunshine. It won't matter anymore. And I like that phrase. All things will pass. Is it worth the hassle of winding yourself up when you're there anyway? You know, and what sort of payback will you get from all the effort of confronting the person? So what I'm really saying is we're prioritizing our energy. So even if you can confront the person, even if you can get them to change, should you is it worth the effort? And I think quite often it's better just to let it go. So think about your difficult situation that you have in mind and just think, even if I could get this resolved, would it be worth the effort? Is it a priority or shall I save my energy for something more important? From 21. Staying Positive Transcript A great way to stay detached in difficult situations is to have a little rule, to not complain, to realize that everything is small stuff, really. And what I often do is I like to think about first world problems. I don't know if you've heard of first world problems, but if you haven't, you must Google them. So a couple of my favorite first world problems are one pillow is too low and two pillows are too high. But that little joke just reminds me that I'm really lucky to have a pillow at all. So if I'm in a hotel room and I'm thinking of complaining about the room, just tell myself how lucky I am to even be in a hotel or another first world problem. My wallet won't shut properly because it's got too many dollar bills in it and you just think, well, what a great problem that is to have. Or I really want a pizza, but all I've got some leftover curry that I've got to eat. And again, how lucky we are to have a choice of those two things. So think about the fact that you are actually lucky and maybe this problem isn't too bad after all of Oh, that person turns up 5 minutes late to meetings. Udemy Page 29 Oh, that person turns up 5 minutes late to meetings. But how lucky you are to be able to sit around in a nice, warm room and have meetings with people. I mean, it's not really work, is it? So that's a great way to be detached, to realize that you're lucky. And I would go one step further than that. And to make it a rule, to say nothing negative about anything, nothing negative about yourself. Never say anything bad about yourself. Oh, I'm a bad person. I can't do this. I'm hopeless at that. But also don't say bad things about other people or situations. Don't go, I hate airports. Oh, these queues are ridiculous because what you're doing is you're reinforcing that negative belief and you're building yourself up into a mood where it's going to be harder to get the situation resolved. So make it a game with colleagues who you work with or make it a game with your partner, who you live with to never say anything negative. And what that will do is it will help you hugely to be positive about how you deal with difficult situations. And you're much more likely to get positive results if you go in with a positive attitude. So having watched this video, I want you to make it a game to always think positively in situations so that all the small situations don't get on top of you. And then you can save your energy for when something really does need sorting out. And even when you decide to sort it out, you can sort it out in a positive way. You know, I know you mean well, but this is what's happening. How do we resolve this? So you start with a positive feeling of detachment as you go into any problem solving situation. From 22. Take Responsibility Transcript Another really great detachment technique is to think I am responsible. So I'm responsible for everything that happens to me, and I am responsible for how I deal with everything that happens to me. So even if something happens to you that you just weren't expecting at all, how you deal with it is totally up to you. So I am responsible for my life and everything that happens in my life. And I am in control of how I think and how I feel and how I behave. And that's really interesting, isn't it? Because some people don't feel they have much control at all over what happens. Oh, well, it's just how I am. And, you know, I have to do that. I remember when my son was little, when he was only about five, he got into trouble at Udemy Page 30 I remember when my son was little, when he was only about five, he got into trouble at school because he punched somebody. And I should laugh because obviously it's totally unacceptable. And what I said to him, so why did you punch this other kid? He said, Well, he was being annoying, so I had to. And I thought that was really interesting because you are in control of whether you hit somebody or not. And clearly it's a bad thing to do and you shouldn't do it. But children haven't yet learnt that they are responsible for everything. And perhaps that's part of growing up to realise that you are responsible for what happens. You can't just say, Oh, we've run out of food in the fridge because I ate it all. So if you start with a belief that you are in control of how you think and how you feel and how you behave, you're in control about every situation. Then you're much more likely to get a good result. So everything that happens to you, your results of what happened maybe and definitely how you handle it. So I want you to think about some situations that you've had or perhaps as you go through your day to day, just go through thinking, I'm in control of this. I can decide how I behave in any situation. And that's a great way to start when you confront a difficult person because you have an absolute choice about how you deal with that person and therefore you have control over how that situation is going to get resolved. From 23. You can choose your emotions Transcript When we're dealing with a difficult person or a difficult situation, perhaps one that's annoying, it's really important that we stay in control of our emotions because once you get emotional, you're probably not going to get the resolution that you want. And I'm not talking about totally losing your temper, just getting a bit irritated. You're already starting to lose control. So we need detachment so that we can get exactly the outcome we want. And not getting angry is usually the best choice. So thing is to realize that you've got a choice about every emotion that you have. So let's take getting irritated as an example. There's a little gap between the stimulus and the response. Now dogs have a stimulus and immediately respond. So if there's food, they eat it. If somebody rings the doorbell, they bark and they don't have any choice, they can't stop themselves. But we humans have that tiny moment after the stimulus where we can think, I'm not Udemy Page 31 But we humans have that tiny moment after the stimulus where we can think, I'm not going to get annoyed. So that person is pulled out in front of me, but I'm not going to get annoyed or that person is hooted and gesticulated rudely out of their window. But I'm going to choose to not get annoyed. So because we have consciousness, we can choose to respond in different ways. So I want you to just think about the fact that you are actually choosing when you respond and you can choose something else, you can choose something different to how you normally respond. So when things annoy you, you can just think, I'm actually going to choose to not get annoyed. Now you can certainly choose to not say something annoyed, but you could feel the anger inside. But maybe you can actually choose to not get angry. That's quite a weird thought, isn't it? Because that emotion wells up inside you. But I think you can't stop it welling up. But you've got a choice about whether you go with it. Yeah, I'm going to get angry. Or you say, Actually, no, I'm not going to get angry and I'm going to just contain that emotion and I'm not going to let it take over my thought processes. And you can even say out loud, I choose to remain calm. So what I recommend is when you feel that emotion and it might be anger, but it might be sadness or embarrassment or whatever it might be. Wallow for 10 seconds and get angry for 10 seconds. Oh, I can't believe he did that. And then move on from it. Just tell yourself I'm going to give myself 10 seconds of wallowing and I'm going to bang my steering wheel and think, Oh, that other driver, and then I'm going to move on from it. And in a work situation, somebody is late for the meeting. Just think, yeah, it is annoying, but I'm going to remain calm because I've got a choice about which emotions I choose. So we will look at negative emotions in much more detail later on. But just while we're thinking about detachment, I just want you to be aware of yourself over the next day or so. Just how detached can you be from your emotions? Are you the same as your emotions or are they just something that comes in and you can let them in for a bit and then you can push them back out, let the good emotions come in, but don't let the bad emotions come in. Maybe you can actually control how you feel. From 24. You are not responsible for the problems of others Udemy Page 32 24. You are not responsible for the problems of others Transcript We tend to think of assertiveness as dealing with horrible people and, you know, being aggressive towards other people. But there is a side to it that I think is really interesting, which is, are we sometimes too nice? So while we're talking about detachment, I want to say that you are not responsible for the problems of other people unless you want to be. So you can choose to help people or not. And I think there is a risk, if you are too nice, that you will always be trying to help everybody else. And that's great, except that you will then not have any time or energy left to help yourself. So it's just deciding, am I going to help this person or not? Is this person using me by always asking me to help them or is getting me to do their work for them? So sometimes there is a line and then you don't want to go beyond that when it comes to helping other people. So I would definitely say, don't let people use guilt on you. Don't let people say, Oh, it's all right for you. Or if you cared about me, you do this for me because they're using you then. So there's a limit to what you should do for other people. And I think there is a limit to how much that you can do for other people. So you should definitely help people within reason. But there has to be a limit. And actually, if you think about it, it may not help then in the long run if you always sort things out for them. So for example, doing your children's homework, which is very tempting, all that does is it means that they don't learn as much. They might have a vital gap in their knowledge because you did that bit of maths for them, but you're also teaching them that they don't need to bother with the difficult things in life. And one more example I sometimes run outdoor teambuilding courses and we've got one where these people have to climb this really high thing. It goes right up into the trees and there are these big horizontal sort of telegraph pole type things. They have to climb up and it's slippery and it's scary and it swings. They obviously have safety ropes, but it is quite difficult. And what tends to happen is that about six people are climbing this thing and the others are all down on the ground and the people on the ground shout instructions up, grab his hand, pull them up on the other side. And firstly, they don't realise how difficult it is when they're giving their helpful advice, but also sometimes the advice is quite useful. Udemy Page 33 also sometimes the advice is quite useful. But what it does is it disempowers the people who are out there trying to do it and they start saying, what do we do next? What shall I do? And they start to not think for themselves because the people on the ground are telling them what to do. So there is a risk in the end that the people who really understand the problem because they're trying to do it, are being given instructions from people down on the ground who don't even really know the right answers and have no concept of how hard it is. And then if the people do succeed climbing up the thing, they get less sense of achievement afterwards because they didn't do it themselves. So sometimes it is better to just let people solve problems themselves. As you go through today or the next week before you watch the next video, I just want you to think about this. Do you always try to solve everybody's problems? Is there a limit to how much you can help other people? And would it be better for you to let them work it out themselves? From 25. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger Transcript My final thought while we're in this rather philosophical section is what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe it's okay if some things aren't perfect. Maybe it's okay if some people's behavior isn't perfect because it's all small stuff. Everything will pass. And it could well be that it does you good to have to deal with some wrinkles in life. So maybe if your boss treats you badly, maybe if your boss doesn't give you enough notice before you have to do a talk at a presentation, for example, maybe that's great because it teaches you to prepare quickly. Maybe it helps you to learn to be an improviser. Or maybe if your boss drops you in it in a meeting and suddenly says so. Louise, what do you think? And you're thinking, Well, I wasn't prepared for this. Maybe that's good practice for you. And maybe if your boss doesn't tell you what's going on, maybe that's good for you to be able to manage in complicated situations that have a lot of uncertainty. So sometimes there are good things that come from difficult situations and the point is it will pass whatever is going on in your life, it will pass and afterwards you will be stronger. So I just want you to think about the difficult situations that you get at the moment and to Udemy Page 34 So I just want you to think about the difficult situations that you get at the moment and to think, is there a self-development aspect to this? Am I going to come out of this a stronger, better person? From 26. Meditate Transcript The ultimate detachment in any situation, in fact, in life, really, is to get control of your inner voice and your emotions. So if you look at what goes on inside your head, it's not just one brain. A lot of people think there are two parts to it, but I actually think there might be three because firstly, you've got your subconscious. This is the animal part of your brain, the the emotions that just appear. And, you know, so dogs, for example, only have this bit they're just subconsciously driven. They do stuff without being aware, they're not self-aware, and they just have emotions and they do stuff and we have that. But then we also have the talking voice, the ego that observes and judges and says who I really shouldn't be having the second donut, but I'm going to have it anyway because the animal is just thinking donut. And then the talking voice is going, I should I have the second one? Maybe I should have. Maybe tomorrow I'll eat less and all that sort of stuff is going on. If I don't want to get too overweight because, you know, the summer's coming, I'm on holiday. So the ego is planning forward into the future and the ego goes into the future and it goes into the past as well. Looking back, oh, I remember the days when I used to be thin when I was 20. I could eat anything and it does all that past and future stuff. Whereas the subconscious animal part is just here and now. Donut want doughnut. So you've got those two parts. But I think there's a third part, which is who observes the observer. So when the talking voice is saying, I really shouldn't eat this, how do we know it is a talking voice who is observing the talking voice? And the idea is there's a higher you, you have a higher self. And how do we get in touch with our higher self and how do we strengthen the higher self and how do we work on our ego? And we have to do that via the higher self. And the way to do this is meditation. And meditation is fascinating. It used to be regarded as really weird, but a lot of people are doing it now and I think it's become Udemy Page 35 become quite mainstream. So I just want to spend a couple of minutes telling you about meditation. I'm not brilliant at it. I don't do it every day, but I know I should. But I do it every now and then. And I really like it when I do it. I think it's fascinating. And what I've noticed it gives me is better control over the voice in my head. So when the voice in my head is thinking, Oh, can I be bothered to do this? I think, yes, actually you can. And I found that I can control how I feel about things because I can control my inner voice much more. And I think that strength has come from meditation. But there are other things I've noticed that have come from meditation as well, like increased creativity. So increased self-discipline and increased creativity I have found. But different people get different things from meditation. And what I'd recommend is try it, see what happens, see what you get from it, see if it has value for you. So ideally you would get some training on meditation, but just to give you a quick overview of what it is, you basically sit and think about nothing for about 15 minutes. You can do it for shorter, for longer, but I'd recommend ten or 15 minutes and you set a timer and you just sit on a comfortable chair. You sit bolt upright on a comfortable chair, because if you slump into a sofa, you'll probably fall asleep. And then you think about absolutely nothing, probably with your eyes shut. Some people do it with our eyes open and they have something very restful to look at, like a flower arrangement or something like that. But most people sit in a chair, hard chair with their eyes shut and think about nothing. Now that's the hard bit. So every time you find yourself thinking about what you're going to do later today or tomorrow or next year, just push those thoughts out to your mind and just go back to letting your mind go still. And for the first few minutes your mind will be racing. It'll be thinking of all these things. It's almost as if it's protesting against being switched off. It's objecting to the process. But you just wait till all the voices subside. You'll feel it go quiet. After a minute or two, your voice is a little go quiet. And then suddenly the timer go off and you'll find that 15 minutes have gone. And it's as if you've been asleep. But you haven't because you've been sitting bolt upright on this hard chair. Now, I sometimes find that during the first 2 minutes when I'm trying to let the voices still down, I think, Oh, there are loads of things I need to remember, need to remember. So you can either stop and get a pen and just write it all down and then that's done. Udemy Page 36 So you can either stop and get a pen and just write it all down and then that's done. Or you can just think, I'll come back to it later. Don't worry, I'll come back to that. I will remember it and just let it all go. And if a motorbike goes past, don't think, Oh, the motorbike through and everything. Just think a motorbike is going past. I just observe it in a detached way and just let your voice is still down until there's nothing. And then suddenly the time will go and 15 minutes is gone. Now you may say, Well, that's just a waste of 15 minutes, but it's not because your brain has had 15 minutes of rest. And it's almost like switching your computer off and on again and. Rebooting it and everything feels fresh, your brain works faster, it's more creative, and you feel good. But there's something about getting control of those talking voices. Getting them to still write down gives you control even after you've finished meditating. And if you do every day, apparently just get stronger and stronger. So that's all meditation is. It's just going quiet. Finding a quiet room where you won't be disturbed and sitting for a quarter of an hour and thinking about nothing. But I think what's really good about it is that it gives you that control over your mind. So you can then start to get control of things like, I don't need to get angry in this situation and I am good enough to confront this person and I can remain calm. And all these things that we're trying to do that are quite difficult when we're confronted with other people. Meditation gives us that mental strength to do whatever we want to do. We can either live with something difficult and not let it annoy us, or we can decide that we're going to do something about it and we've got the strength to do something about it. So I would really urge you to try meditating, either sign up for a course or get somebody who knows about it to help you, or just try it. Just sit in a quiet, undisturbed room for 15 minutes and try thinking about absolutely nothing. From 27. Wrap Up Transcript So that was quite a philosophical section. I hope you found it interesting and I know you might be thinking, just give me some practical words I can use to complain when I didn't like the film at the cinema. But detachment, I think, is the starting point for everything. And don't worry, we will come to practical techniques later on. But I hope that's left you with a feeling that I can stand back and have control in any Udemy Page 37 But I hope that's left you with a feeling that I can stand back and have control in any situation. I can look at myself, I can look at the other person almost above, and I can work out what the best approach is going to be. I don't have to get drawn in. I don't have to get angry. I can control every situation. I can basically control my life. From Udemy Page 38 Attachments maanantai 7. lokakuuta 2024 22.09 4.9+Medita tion+Apps Udemy Page 39 Udemy Page 40 4.9+Medita tion+Chall... Udemy Page 41 Udemy Page 42 4.10+Contr ol+By+De... Udemy Page 43 Udemy Page 44 Mantras lauantai 5. lokakuuta 2024 15.12 28. Introduction Transcript In this section, I want to tell you about my four favorite mantras. These are phrases that I've been told over the years that I keep coming back to. Four things that you can say to yourself that will make you feel stronger in difficult situations. So let's have a look at my four favorite mantras. From 29. You don't need to justify Transcript The first mantra, the first phrase that I keep saying to myself all the time is I don't have to justify how I feel. And I think this is really profound. You don't have to justify to other people how you feel about anything. I joke that I regret teaching this to my wife, actually, because I remember years ago saying to her, Should we go and see? I think it was RoboCop. And she said, I don't want to see RoboCop. And I said, But it's had really good reviews. She said, I just don't want to see it. And I said, But you might enjoy it. She said, No, I don't want to see it. And I said, Well, why don't you want to see it? And she said, I don't have to justify how I feel. I just don't want to see it. And I thought, that's actually really powerful, isn't it? So you don't have to justify. Now, there's a really interesting book called The Cellar Stone Prophecy by James Redfield. And in there he says there are ways that people steal energy from each other. And one of the ways is something called the interrogator. And this is the person who says, why do you think that? Why are you doing it like that? Tell me more about what you think. And the defense against the interrogator is to say it's just how I feel and when they go. But why did you feel like that? You can say, I don't have to justify how I feel. It's just how I feel. And I think that's really, really powerful. So suppose you've got somebody saying, Oh, go on, Chris, have another drink. Don't be such a killjoy. Come on. You could just say I just don't feel like another drink. Udemy Page 45 You could just say I just don't feel like another drink. Go, go and have one more. No, I don't feel like one. When they figure, well, why not? You can say, well, I don't know. I don't have to justify it. It's just how I feel. You've got a right to feel however you feel. And you don't have to explain why. You don't even have to know why. It's just. Well, that's just how I feel. And you can use this for really big things, like who you like and who you don't. And why don't you like that person? I don't know. I just don't. But it must be a reason that I don't have to justify it for even how you choose to live your life. If somebody says you should be more hardworking or you should have more fun. You could say, Well, that's up to you, but I'm happy. And they go, Well, yeah, but surely you could say, Well, I don't have to justify my life. That's just how I am. So I think that's a really great mantra to have always in the back of your mind. That's just how I feel, and I don't have to justify it to anybody else. From 30. Liking yourself Transcript The second mantra that I really love and I use this myself and I would absolutely recommend this to everybody who watches this video is to say, I'm an okay person. You've got to say it and you got to believe it that you are an okay person. Now, okay is a carefully chosen word because it actually means I'm not perfect. I know there's areas to work on, but overall I think I am okay and I like myself okay. So I could be better. Absolutely. I could be. I know I could be better, but I think I'm not too bad. I'm good enough and therefore I can like myself. So it's not about being arrogant. It's not about believing that you're perfect, but just that you're okay. And you would think that's not too much to ask for. To be, you know, seven out of ten. But actually, most people are not okay about themselves. So when you see your face in the mirror, do you think, oh, looking good or do you think I sat me off my nose is so big. Oh, I wish my eyes weren't so small or close together or whatever it is. So do you actually like your face in the mirror? And what about your voice? When you hear your voice recorded on a voicemail, do you think you're sounding good Udemy Page 46 When you hear your voice recorded on a voicemail, do you think you're sounding good or do you think, Oh, no, is that what I sound like? So a lot of people don't even like what they look like and what they sound like, which is not a good. Okay in a starting position, is it? And what about when you see videos of yourself? Do you think, oh, look at me? Oh, yes. Or do you think, Oh, God, is that me? I read somewhere that the most disliked part of the body is the nose. Apparently, nearly everyone hates their nose, but if you don't even like that bit, that's right in the middle of your face. What hope have you got? So it's really important to be okay about yourself and. All right, you know, we don't look like Brad Pitt or Kylie or whoever, but we look okay. And you just got to tell yourself, I think I'm alright. I think my voice is alright. I think I look alright. You just got to tell yourself the air, okay? And you must say it and keep saying it till you believe it. Because this is your starting point for all of your relationships with other people. If you don't think you're okay, if you don't think you're worthy, then you're going to have all sorts of problems relating to other people. You're going to feel that you don't deserve to have a point of view and just stand up for what you believe or you're going to start off defensively. You're going to start off trying to find fault in the other person as well to drag them down to your level or whatever. They'll be all sorts of problems. So you have to start by saying I'm okay. So that's a really, really important mantra. So I just want you to think about yourself now and for the next day or two, as you think about this video, just go through life thinking, Yeah, I think I'm alright, I'm not perfect but I'm good enough. From 31. Standing your ground Transcript The next mantra that I really like and I use this and I would absolutely urge you to use this as well, is nobody can push me into the not okay box. Imagine if there's the I'm okay box and I'm not okay box and I'm in the I'm okay box and nobody else can push me out of that into the I'm not okay box. I want to give you some examples. This is a bit of a story, but years ago I used to work at a university business school. Udemy Page 47 This is a bit of a story, but years ago I used to work at a university business school. We used to run training courses for people who would come from local companies. And in the room, they would turn up and there'd be a folder with notes, and there would be a pen, a business school pen. And we ran out of pens one day. So I came into the room to run the training course, and the folders were there, but no pens. And I thought, That's odd. So I went to the cupboard and there were no pens there. So I went to the lady who replenished the cupboard and I said, Christina, have we got any more pens? You know, we've we're out of pens. And I said, Well, why is that? And she said, Well, I've been told I've got to cut back on expenditure, so I've decided we're not going to have any more pens. And I was thinking, well, that's a ridiculous decision because people who come on training courses need a pen. Plus the pen has our phone number on. It's an advert, so we need depends. So I said to her, Well, are you going to get any more? No, she said, Not going have any more pens. So I was thinking about that and I thought, shall I just go and buy some myself? You know, that would be rather submissive of me. So what I decided to do in the end was I decided to phone up her boss, and I phoned her boss up and I said, Christine's decided not get any more pens, but I think we need them. What do you think? And her boss, he said, Yeah, absolutely. Good. Yes, you're right, Chris. Good idea. Leave it to me. I'll sort it. So I thought nothing more of this. And then about two or three weeks later, Christine came stamping into my office with this big cardboard box, and she slammed it on my desk with very old pens. Are you satisfied now? And I was just thinking. Ooh. And she'd obviously been overruled by her boss. And she'd been festering on this and getting really annoyed about this pen thing for weeks. And I remember consciously thinking to myself, nobody could push me into the not okay box. Christine is not going to make me feel like a bad person just because I've done what I think is right and argue in favour of us having pens so nobody can push me into the not okay box. A couple of other examples. I was in Manchester recently and I'd been doing a talk there and in the evening I went out and got some Udemy Page 48 out and got some food and I was just in scruffy, comfortable clothes and everybody in Manchester was incredibly stylish and they all had sort of lovely beards that were perfectly trimmed into a shape and they had really great hair and trendy clothes. And I was wandering through Manchester looking like a tramp, really. But I remember thinking, That's fine. They are welcome to do whatever they want to do with their superb parents. And they spent lots of money on clothes and I was wearing a fleece and some old crocs. But I remember thinking, they're not going to push me and they're not okay box. I don't care. It's up to them. So I'm not saying that they're right or wrong. They're just different to me, and that's fine. But they're not going to make me feel bad about myself just because I've decided to be comfortable. Slash Scruffy, they're not going to make me feel bad about myself. Finally, I got a couple of wine related examples. There's one. I've got this friend who's a real wine buff and he really knows. He knows everything about wine. So when we went to him, instead of buying this sort of £7 bottle of wine, we went mad and spent about £15 on a bottle of wine, which is more than I would ever spend normally. And so we turned up with the £15 bottle and he went out and he put it on the side and had a very nice meal and he got out some sort of £50 wine that we drank. So that was great and really enjoyed a good visit, went home and then six months later, when I next went to visit him, we went down to his wine cellar to choose the wine for the evening, and I noticed he had a shelf called cooking. And on the cooking shelf was my bottle that I bought last time. My £15 bottle of wine was on his cooking shelf. But I remember thinking, Alright, next time we come, we won't bring him wine. We'll bring in something different because clearly we know nothing about wine. But the point is, he's not going to make me feel bad, you know, he's very posh. He loves his wine. I'm not such a connoisseur of wine, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person. We're just interested in different things. And in fact, the other end of the scale, I went to see a friend of mine's band that was playing in this Workingmen's club and quite sort of rough place. And the wine there was very cheap. It was about a pound for a huge, great glass of wine and it was quite nice wine or I thought it was. So my wife and I were there watching this band drinking wine and this bloke came up to me. I think he was probably a bit older and he was in a just a sort of woollen sweater, but with nothing underneath it. And. Udemy Page 49 And. He was just sort of quite a hairy guy. And he came up and he went, Are you drinking wine? And I went, Yeah. And he went, Oh. And walked away. And he obviously disapproved of me drinking wine for some reason. I remember thinking to myself, nobody can push me into the not okay box. If I want to drink wine, I'll drink wine. And maybe beer would have been the more manly choice. But I like wine and that's what I'm going to drink. So whenever I'm attacked a little bit or somebody starts to make me feel inferior because I'm not drinking beer or I'm not drinking bottles of wine that cost 50 quid. I just think to myself, nobody else can push me into the not okay box. I'm happy in my world of wearing my fleece and my crocs. And if you want to have a chiseled beard or whatever trim, that's up to you. So nobody can push me into the not okay box. So I want you just to think about that. What are the situations where you start to feel a bit inferior or other people start to push you into that not okay box? And can you push back against that by just quietly thinking to yourself, nobody can push me into a not okay box? From 32. Being out of your depth Transcript The final mantra that I use a lot and I hope you will find useful as well is all I can do is my best. And I think it's really important to do the best you can in any situation. Having decided to be there, you might as well do the best you can, but all you can do is the best. And if that's not good enough for somebody, well, that's just tough. So clearly, this applies at work. All you can do is the best job that you can at work. And if you've got a horrible boss who's putting pressure on you, at least in your mind, you should be thinking, Well, I'm doing the best I can and all I can do is the best. You wouldn't actually say this to them. I mean, I suppose you could, but I think there are better things you could say, and I'm going to come to that later. But your starting position is in your mind. You should think to yourself, I'm doing the best I can, and that's the best I can do. Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves, though, so we put pressure to be successful or to be different to how we are. And I think it's really important to not put too much pressure on yourself. So you want to do the best you can? Udemy Page 50 So you want to do the best you can? Absolutely. Keep learning new skills, keep developing yourself. But at any given time, all you can do is the best that you can do. So have that as a fallback position and it applies in your personal life as well. I remember going rock climbing with some friends of mine. I'm not a big rock climber at all. I mean, I've done it a few times. I think rock climbing is fascinating, actually, because it's really scary, but it's also completely safe if you have a rope, clearly without a rope. I mean, you'd have to be mad, but if you're roped up, it's completely safe. But it's still very, very exciting and scary. And these friends of mine have done it lots of times before, and they trusted in their ropes and they were doing it much better than I was. And they were sort of implying that I was a bit of a coward. And I was thinking, Well, no, I think I'm actually braver than them because I'm feeling the fear, but I'm doing it anyway and I'm still doing it. So I actually overcame much more fear than they did when we climbed up this rock face. But when they're going, Oh, come on, Chris, surely you can just jump across that gap. Come on, Chris. Do you really need a rope for that? I'm thinking, well, all I can do is the best that I can and I'm doing the best that I can. And for me, that's good enough. So my fallback position, whenever anybody's pushing me too far, is to think, well, no, you know, I'm doing the best I can, and that that's good enough. So just think about yourself. Think about situations where you know you're not as good as some other people or you're not as good as what perhaps your boss wants you to be, but you're doing the best that you can. And just say to yourself, All I can do is my best. From 33. How to use mantras Transcript So that was my four favorite mantras. You might have a different one that you like, but I'm hoping that you liked at least one of mine. Maybe you're going to use all four from now on. And when I say use, I don't mean every morning you get up and you say it into the mirror, although you can, if you want, just say, I'm a good person and I like myself. If you want to do that, that's fine. But I don't do it like that. I just fall back on them when I need them. So I just sometimes find myself thinking they're not going to push me into the not okay box. Udemy Page 51 box. You know, I've done the best I can. All you can do is the best you can. So I would just have them there as that inner strength that you can fall back on if you need to. From Udemy Page 52 Attachments torstai 10. lokakuuta 2024 19.20 5.6+My+Fa vourite+... Udemy Page 53 Udemy Page 54 Words to use lauantai 5. lokakuuta 2024 15.12 34. Introduction Transcript What everyone always wants to know is what are the words to use in a difficult situation? If only you knew exactly what to say. And that's what we're going to look at next. So over the years, I've been reading lots of books on this, going on training courses, talking to people, and I've collected some really great little phrases that you can use. So what I'm going to suggest is that each video, I'm going to give you one phrase, and then you practice it to practice it for a day or a week until it's become part of you and you're comfortable with using it. And then go to the next video. You could watch all seven in one big binge, but then you'll be thinking, Which one do I use when? So I'm thinking, just do this in a bite sized way. Each video learn the phrase, Try it out. See what you think, see if it works well for you, and then go on to the next video. So let's get started on seven really great phrases that you can use in difficult situations with difficult people. From 35. Always start with this Transcript The first phrase that I would always start with in a difficult situation is I understand, in fact, to be more correct. I understand. But and you don't have to use the exact words if I understand, you can use similar words. So you can say something like, I know you're short of time, but or I know it's really annoying when this happens, but but something that shows that you really do understand their point of view. So this is a nice soft lead in this is much better than just you've got to change. It needs to be. I know it's difficult, but you've got to change. So it's a nice soft lead in. But more than that, it takes away their excuses so they can't go be don't understand. And if you say, look, I know that it's going to cost a bit of money, but they can't go. Yeah, but it's going to cost a bit of money because you've already said I know that, but so it makes you look reasonable. It's a nice soft lead in, but it also takes away their excuses. So, for example, if you're going to ring up and complain about something, the first thing to say is, I know it's not your fault that this happened, but when I stayed at the hotel, there was this problem. So I know it's not your fault is a great thing to say to the person on the phone because they're really Udemy Page 55 So I know it's not your fault is a great thing to say to the person on the phone because they're really fed up all day. They get the blame for everything when all these people are ringing up and it's not their fault, they're just there to deal with the problem afterwards. So why not start as a nice person and say, I know it's not your fault, but this happened? And another example is when somebody is angry. The ideal approach when you're dealing with an angry person is to say, Look, I know it was really annoying. I would have got really annoyed as well. But this is what happened and this is why. So you could say you've got every right to be annoyed. I would be too. But so always start with. I understand it's a nice, gentle lead in and it takes away their excuses. So thinking about your difficult situations that you encounter, what's it like for the other person? How are you going to word it to show that you understand what it's like for them? From 36. Try fogging Transcript I want to tell you about an obscure but brilliant technique called fogging. So fogging is something you would use when somebody suddenly attacks you, perhaps quite verbally, aggressively by attack. By the way, I don't mean physically attacked. That's a whole different thing. But if somebody lays into you verbally, your useless, your company's rubbish. You know, this product crap. I hate your hotel. Something really quite aggressive like that. That's when you would use fogging. And fogging is when you use words like, well, you're entitled to your opinion or Yeah, I probably could be better, or It's always possible to improve or I'm sorry you feel that way. So what have those phrases got in common? And they're all a little bit foggy. So what we're doing is we're putting up a sort of screen of fog and saying, Well, yeah, you know, you might be right. I'm not saying, yes, you are right. And I'm not saying no, you're wrong. I'm just saying, yeah, maybe it's kind of like almost a shrug, really, if you perhaps. So someone says you're useless. You could say, well, there always are ways to improve. I would accept. Well, yeah, I'm not perfect. So it's quite clever because they want to have a fight and they're not going to get one. We're not going to give in, but we're also not going to fight back because then they get the fight that they want. We just say, yes, there probably are areas for improvement. Udemy Page 56 We just say, yes, there probably are areas for improvement. So the way it works is that they're trying to punch fog and that's why it's called fogging. And they can't somehow get a grip of you because you're just saying, yeah, well, you know, maybe I could be better. So that's how fogging works. It means that their initial attack doesn't land on you, but it is only a start. And the thing I want to stress about fogging is it's not the whole answer. The only time it's the whole answer is if you're dealing with, say, a member of the public who you're never going to see again. So suppose I was in that trendy town of Manchester and I'm wandering through there in my fleece and my crocs, and somebody goes, Huh, look at the state of you. I could just say, Yeah, I probably could be smarter and I could carry on. Couldn't I just could fog and just let it go. But if you're dealing with a complete stranger, maybe you would. You by the way, nobody did that in Manchester, by the way. I think they didn't even notice me or care about me. Why should they? But I could have fogged if that had happened. But that's a really exceptional situation because that's a member of the public and it just doesn't matter. But in any interaction with a colleague or somebody you live with or a friend. Fogging is not enough. It's only a start, but it is a really good start. If you just say we are probably could be better. It deflects the initial attack and it gives you a bit of time to think about how you're going to fight back. So that's fogging. Just have a think now about the situations that you've got, perhaps when you're sometimes taken by surprise or if you're dealing with somebody who's really quite aggressive in their wording, what would it feel like to just say, Yeah, you might be right and try it out because you'll find it's brilliant? What's so good is that they don't know what to do next when you sort of partially agree with them, but not completely. You could see the confused look on their face as they think, Well, so is he saying that I'm right or is he saying I'm wrong? What do I say next? So you just go, yeah, you might be right. It gives you a brilliant feeling of control. So I'd like you to try fogging. From 37. I notice, I interpret, am I right? Transcript Udemy Page 57 Transcript There's a really good phrase that I use quite often, which is I notice, I interpret, Am I right? And this is used for pulling somebody up on bad behavior. Okay. So this is not used for defending yourself. This is used for kind of being the one who starts off the trouble in a way. So if somebody turns up late to your meeting, you can just say, I notice, I interpret, am I right? So you say I noticed that you quite often turn up late to my meetings and I interpret that to mean that you don't really care about the meeting or you know, you don't even want to be here, really, am I right? And then they will have to go. No, no, no. Sorry. No, no. I love the meeting. Sorry about that. Or they'll say, Yeah, actually, I think you're meeting is rubbish. But at least we know. And you could say, Well, why do you think that? Do you not want to come? How can we make the meeting better so we can kind of flush out the problem? Another example maybe somebody is using their phone during the meeting. Perhaps they've got it down under the table and they're looking at their phone underneath the table. And you can say, Look, I noticed that you keep using your phone and I interpret that to mean that you're bored by the meeting. Am I right? And I like to go, Oh, no, sorry, sorry. And I put the phone away. Well, they'll say, Well, yeah, actually I'm a bit bored by this meeting. And then you can say, Well, do you not want to be here? Or How would you want to do this? Should we do your bit first and you can go, Well, whatever. So once we can get to what the problem is, we can then resolve it. So we're basically saying to them, I think there's a problem here, but is there. Well, I'll give you one more example. Suppose every time you mention the financial reconciliation that's having to be done at the end of the month, that somebody rolls her eyes and goes, oh, you could say to them, I notice noticed every time I mention a financial reconciliation that you roll your eyes. And I interpret that to mean that you think it's a waste of time. Am I right? And then they'll either say, No, no, sorry. No. Yeah, and I probably should put up with it. Or they'll say, Yeah, I do actually think that. And you can say, Well, but this is why we have to do it. So you can get to the bottom of is there a problem or not? Now I mentioned it normally this would be you starting the trouble, but of course you are responding to something else that someone's done. And if somebody comes steaming into your office really angry and goes, This is rubbish, you've done this all wrong, you know, you could say, Look, I noticed that you're really waving your hands around and shouting, and I interpret that to mean that you're pretty upset. Am I right? And what you're doing is you're bringing their behaviour into their consciousness, into their awareness, and they will go, Yeah, I am pretty upset actually. Udemy Page 58 and they will go, Yeah, I am pretty upset actually. And then you can say, Well, how are we going to resolve this? And they can go, Well, maybe we could do this and this, and now you can have a sensible conversation with them and you can work out what you're going to do, how you're going to move forward, how are you going to solve it. So, you know, if somebody's swearing at you, you can go. I notice you're using lots of swear words, and I interpret that to mean that you're upset, but I don't really like it. So, you know, am I right that you're upset? It's a really good way to bring them down to earth and get the situation resolved. So that's a useful phrase. I just want you to think now about one situation where you could apply it. You know, is it that person who uses the phone in the meeting or turns up late or is it a person who shouts, When are you going to use a notice? I interpret, Am I right? From 38. It’s never too late Transcript An important principle in assertiveness is it's never too late to go back. And this is really quite liberating because it means that if you don't know what to say, it's absolutely fine to think about it and then go back and have another bite. So maybe you didn't feel you expressed yourself quite right or maybe you didn't say anything, and afterwards you're thinking, I shouldn't have let them get away with that. You can go back. If you had bad service in a shop, you can go back the next day. Or if your boss is rude to you in front of everyone in the office and you go away thinking that was really unfair. An hour later you can go back and you can say, I've been thinking about what happened earlier and I'm not happy. It's never too late to go back. Isn't that great to know you've got as long as you like to think about what you should have said and then you can go back and say it. Now you don't have to go back. You might just decide to let it go. But if you want, you can go back and say it. And when you do go back, I would probably recommend using my full step process. So you start with. I understand. You know, I know it was annoying for you. I know you were short of time or whatever. Let's take the example of the boss who shouted at you. You can say, Look, I know that you were annoyed at the time and that was fair enough because it was bad. But and then you'd probably say how you feel and you've got a right to say how you feel. You could say, I felt really embarrassed when you shouted at me in front of the whole office and you don't have to justify how you feel. That's just how you feel. And you also might say how you still feel. Now, you could say, at the time I felt really uncomfortable and I still feel now quite unhappy about Udemy Page 59 Now, you could say, at the time I felt really uncomfortable and I still feel now quite unhappy about it. You know, I feel that it was unfair. And, you know, it makes me feel that you don't care about me or something like that. So you can say how you still feel now. And then you'd say what you want. And again, you've had a nice gap now, so you can make a plan for what you want. And it might be just next time. Perhaps you could talk to me calmly or talk to me privately or both privately and calmly. Maybe next time you're upset, you could just go off to an office on the side and tell me how you feel. So you'd have a plan for what you want. And then finally you might say, What do you think? Is that okay? Can you see it from my point of view? So the point is, by taking a break, you've got plenty of time to think about understanding, then thinking about how you're going to express how you feel, how you felt at the time, and how you feel now. And you've got plenty of time to think about what it is that you want them to do differently next time. So it's never too late to go back. So I'd like you to practice this, and when you next have a difficult situation, just fall or shrug and say You probably could have been better. Go away, have a think about what you're going to say, and then try going back and saying, By the way, I've been thinking about what you said earlier, and I think it was a bit harsh or a bit unfair or not quite right. And then you could tell them how you really feel. So practice taking a break and going back and always tell yourself it's never too late to go back. From 39. Taking time to think Transcript The next little technique that I really like is to realize that it's okay to take time out. So if you suddenly dropped into some difficult situation, why not take a bit of time out to think? And then you can come back later and you can come back later stronger. So this is especially if you're suddenly verbally attacked, just say, Well, I need to think about that, you know? Can I give you an answer later? Or even if you go away and you think, actually, that was really unfair, I'm not happy about that. It's never too late to go back. And you can go back and say, I've been thinking about what you said earlier. I'm not happy about it. So sometimes you might need time to decide what you want from the situation so you know that you're unhappy with what's happened, but you're not sure what you want to have from that. Let's suppose that you know somebody in a shop or perhaps in the hotel checking was really quite rude. You don't have to deal with it there and then just go and think about actually, I'm not happy with the way they spoke to me. Udemy Page 60 the way they spoke to me. What am I going to do about that? I know you know, I'm going to ask for a free bottle of wine with my dinner and then you can go back, you can plan the wording and you can go back and you can say, this happened. I'm not happy. I want the bottle of wine with my dinner. How about that? So sometimes you need time to regroup, but sometimes it's good to take a break just because you need to give them a chance to cool down. And that's another reason why a break can be good. Or pe

Assertiveness Masterclass PDF by Chris Croft

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