Active Listening: The Complete Guide PDF

Become a Better Listener: Active Listening Medically reviewed by Vara Saripalli, Psy.D. — By Hilary I. Lebow — Updated on September 28, 2021 Active listening steps Communication dead ends Helpful questions for active listening Unproductive types of questions Summary Hearing someone is one thin...

Become a Better Listener: Active Listening Medically reviewed by Vara Saripalli, Psy.D. — By Hilary I. Lebow — Updated on September 28, 2021 Active listening steps Communication dead ends Helpful questions for active listening Unproductive types of questions Summary Hearing someone is one thing, but truly listening? Now, that’s a whole other story. With a little practice, it’s possible to learn how to be a better listener. Healthline's Little Birdie Become a Better Listener: Active Listening Active Listening: The Complete Guide SHARE SUBSCRIBE DESCRIPTION You’ve likely been there: You’re sharing something important, but the person you’re talking with is focused on anything but your words. They’re looking at their phone, looking around the room, totally disengaged. You might walk away feeling unsatisfied. Or worse, unseen. As they say, don’t be that guy. To become a polished active listener and strengthen your connections in everyday interactions, a few pointers may help. Tips to be a better listener Below you’ll get more detail on these strategic steps: restate summarize keep them talking: use verbal and nonverbal encouragers reflect feedback (using “I” statements) name and describe validate pause or be silent redirect ADVERTISEMENT 13 steps to actively listen From improved relationship satisfaction to enhanced empathy, research shows that active listening is a life skill worth mastering. Here’s how to train yourself to be a better listener. Restate When you repeat facts or important details back to someone, it sends a clear message that you’re picking up what they’re putting down. For example, “So, then what happened after John called you back?” Summarize After your conversation partner is done telling a story, find a way to thread the details together, then ask to make sure what you heard is accurate. It may sound something like, “It sounds like you’re frustrated because your boss dismissed your idea, am I hearing that correctly?” Minimal encouragers According to a 2016 study , minimal encouragers can help signal your interest. Minimal encouragers include actions like: making direct eye contact having open body language carrying an engaged facial expression nodding your head Minimal encouragers also include employing a few verbal reactions, like: “Wow.” “Mmhmm.” “Really?” “I see.” “Then what?” Reflect To help someone feel heard, you can think of yourself as a mirror. Reflect back to them that you’re taking their words as seriously as they are. For example, “I can see that what happened at your work meeting today was really important to you.” Give feedback It’s best practice to ask permission to give guidance, such as, “I have a suggestion about how to go about this. Are you open to feedback?” If you get a green light, you could share your observations about the situation and how you’ve handled something similar in the past. If the other person says they don’t want your feedback, you can respond by thanking them for their honesty and moving on. Name the core emotion You might be able to suss out an underlying emotion to better understand what might be going on with the person you’re talking with. Psychologist Robert Putchick designed an eight-pronged wheel of foundational emotions and the sentiments that branch out from each. It’s still being studied and updated today. Identifying someone’s emotion when they’re communicating might look like this: If a friend tells you a date didn’t show up, you might try, “You sound pensive, my friend. I hear you expressing some annoyance. If that happened to me, I’d be a bit angry and sad.” If given the opportunity, probe If appropriate, you may find it useful to dig a little deeper by asking open-ended questions or hypotheticals. For example, “What will you say if they offer you the job tomorrow?” Validate To show that you’re on the same wavelength, you can express how much it means to you that someone opened up. It could sound like, “I know this wasn’t easy to talk about. It means a lot to me that you feel comfortable enough to share this.” Employ the pregnant pause Rather than jumping into a response after someone finishes speaking, soak in what you just heard. Try taking one mindful breath before you begin a sentence. Silence One mouth, two ears: This age-old adage exists for good reason. Instead of being concerned about how you’re going to respond, focus on what the other person is saying. ‘I’ statements Have you ever had someone “should” on you? It doesn’t exactly feel warm and fuzzy. You may walk away feeling criticized, judged, or blamed — none of which spell good communication. To avoid falling into a “you should this” or “you should try that” expectations and judgments trap, you can lean on “I” statements instead. It sounds like this: u I would feel sad if that happened. I feel concerned when you say that. I feel hurt when I hear that. Was this helpful? s r Redirect If things start to go on a tangent, you may gently redirect the person you’re speaking with. You could try this: “Before we move on, can we back up and talk about that other thing?” Repeat back patterns, but let them draw a conclusion Sometimes, active listening involves noticing patterns or parallels. You may find it useful to gently point out a past scenario — if it’s relevant. Be sure to keep it open-ended, though, so the person you’re talking with can do the heavy lifting. For example: “I remember you saying something similar the last time you got back together. What happened after you moved back in with him?” Common communication dead ends When active listening, avoid: h asking why aggressive, skeptical, or questioning tone checking your phone dismissing someone’s worries interrupting offering unsolicited advice saying “you should” crafting your responses while they’re talking turning the focus back on you Was this helpful? s r ADVERTISEMENT Helpful questions Some open-ended, thoughtful questions can deepen a conversation. With that said, it’s important that the person you’re speaking with doesn’t feel like they’re in a job interview — or on the witness stand. Here’s how to find that careful balance. Open-ended questions These kinds of questions move beyond “yes” or “no” territory. It sounds like this: u How did that… ? What are you… ? Where will you… ? Who do you think… ? Which way do you… ? What’s your understanding of… ? Was this helpful? s r Reflective questions We all absorb information differently, depending on our personal biases and filters. To avoid communication gaffes, take the time to double-check what you’re hearing. It sounds like this: u I wonder if… ? Did I hear that right? Is that what you meant? Am I interpreting this correctly? Is it accurate to say… ? Was this helpful? s r Less helpful questions Before you respond, slow down and be mindful about the words you choose and how you phrase your questions. Leading (presumptive) questions A leading question includes your bias in a subtle way. It can make the exchange more about confirming your opinion than the speaker’s unique viewpoints. If you’re not careful, these questions can come across as judgmental. When active listening, avoid: h You can’t really trust that, can you? Wouldn’t it be better to… ? Don’t you think it’s worse if… ? Don’t you just hate it when… ? Was this helpful? SUBSCRIBE s r Yes or no (closed-ended) questions While brief, closed-ended questions don’t exactly motivate someone to keep speaking. When active listening, avoid: h Do you… ? Did she… ? Can you… ? Could… ? Will… ? Would… ? Was this helpful? Let’s recap s r In the age of distractions, active listening is both an art form and a vital skill to learn. As a cardinal rule, you might think of yourself as a mirror. You can do your best to focus on what the person is saying, then reflect important details and emotions back to them, instead of focusing on your response. The qualities of a good listener include compassion, empathy, and patience. You can try asking open-ended questions and avoiding giving unsolicited advice. If you must offer guidance, you can do so gently. By practicing these tactics, you can learn how to be a better listener in no time. Last medically reviewed on September 15, 2021  3 sources  v  z FEEDBACK:   Haley B, et al. (2017). Relationships among active listening, self-awareness, empathy, and patient-centered care in associate and baccalaureate degree nursing students. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352900816300231 Jahromi VK, et al. (2016). Active listening: The key of successful communication in hospital managers. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4844478/ Kuhn R, et al. (2018). The power of listening: Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic coping conversations. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Ffam0000421 ADVERTISEMENT How Couples Can Communicate When a Partner Shuts Down Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — By Hope Gillette — Updated on September 2, 2021 When you're not speaking to them They won't talk to you Next steps Stonewalling during an argument may protect you from psychological overwhelm, but to your partner, it can come off as deliberate avoidance. Westend61/Getty Images Feeling ignored when you’re in an emotionally charged moment can be frustrating. You’re trying to work through an issue, but suddenly someone shuts down and goes unresponsive. This reaction is known as stonewalling. From the outside, it can feel like that person has shut down emotionally. If you’re the one shutting down, however, you may be inwardly dysregulated. What to do when someone you love shuts down take a break from, or “table” the conversation write down your thoughts and feelings to revisit later stay calm don’t retaliate don’t throw an adult temper tantrum do something self-soothing consider professional intervention ADVERTISEMENT When you stonewall The need to “check out” when you’re being bombarded with negativity can be a natural reaction. You may be feeling frustrated yourself, or maybe you’re uncomfortable with the tension. Without an immediate solution in sight, it can feel easier to pretend your person is invisible. You may stop responding or making eye contact. You might start excessively cleaning to signal you’re done with the conversation. Keep in mind your shutting down doesn’t make you look good (and doesn’t help anything) Being aware of how stonewalling is received can help you bring yourself out of it. If you shut down during intense communication, the other person may feel rejected or devalued. It can appear like you don’t care about them or what they have to say. They may not understand why you shut them out. It can make them angry or frustrated, and they may retaliate with their own silent treatment. This can create a cycle of silence and hurt feelings. Communicate calmy, clearly, and assertively Shutting down when you’re upset — whether deliberately or as a defense mechanism — doesn’t usually solve the problem at hand. To reach any solution or compromise, most issues require communication to understand the big picture. Communicating calmly helps keep the energy neutral. If you go into something looking for a fight, you’ll probably find one. Communicating clearly can help get your points across quickly and can help prevent misunderstandings about intent. Communicating assertively doesn’t mean communicating aggressively. Being assertive often means approaching an argument using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Asserting how a situation makes you feel rather than blaming or accusing the other person can avoid putting them immediately on the defensive. A 2009 study found that couples rated communicating anger in an assertive way as more successful than approaching anger from a place of denial or passive-aggressiveness. Learn to self-soothe healthily Self-soothing may help you disengage from an emotional lockdown by shifting your energy. Self-soothing activities, such as reading, meditating, or exercising, can help you regain a sense of calm after an argument. Though there are many ways to relax, options such as smoking or drinking may cause you more complications down the road. Write down your thoughts In the moment, it may be a challenge to get out all the things you want to say. Feeling frustrated by not being able to express yourself may make you feel there’s no point in trying. Writing your thoughts down can help maintain the dialogue between you and your partner when you revisit the conversation later. How to open back up after you’ve been giving the silent treatment “I understand what you’re saying…” “I feel…” or “When you … I feel…” “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…” “I need some time to collect my thoughts.” “Let’s take a break but pick another time to discuss…” “I’m not upset with you. I’m just feeling overwhelmed…” Was this helpful? s r With Bezzy for Depression, you’re never alone. Bezzy Depression Temp Auvelity If you’re living with Depression, join others who understand what you’re going through. Discover a safe space to find community, guidance, and support together. LEARN MORE Real-world advice 18K+ active members Nightly discussions When your partner stonewalls When you feel like someone shuts you out, it can hurt. You may feel unwanted or unappreciated. Understanding where stonewalling comes from can help keep negative reactions at bay and can help you identify when your partner is overwhelmed or deliberately avoiding. Keep in mind it’s not about you Stonewalling isn’t always your partner punishing you for a heated conversation. For some people, shutting down emotionally is a response to feeling overstimulated. It doesn’t have anything to do with you or how they feel about you. If your husband or partner shuts down when you cry, for example, it may be because they don’t know the best way to handle that display of emotions. It’s not that necessarily they don’t care about you or value your feelings. Set mutual expectations Having an agreed-upon approach to debates and arguments may help disengage stonewalling if it happens. Allowing back-and-forth replies, having a safe space for debates, and knowing when to stop and decompress can all be fundamental rules for heated conversation. (Re)set boundaries Sometimes the things you say during an argument are deliberately hurtful. Setting conversation boundaries, and reaffirming them during calm times, can prevent those damaging quips that can’t be unsaid. Let them know how their silence affects you Most people who truly care about you don’t want you to feel hurt. Communicating to your partner that their silent treatment or emotional shut down upsets you can help them realize its impact. What to say to someone when they are shutting you out “I understand you’re feeling…” “I’ve given you a lot to consider. I’ll give you time to digest.” “Let’s take a breather and come back to this another time.” “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…” “I’m not upset with you. I’m feeling…” “When you ignore me I feel…” Was this helpful? s r ADVERTISEMENT Now what? Now that you have more insight into why stonewalling happens, you can help prevent it in both yourself and your partner. Sometimes, stonewalling becomes a form of mistreatment in a relationship. When it’s done deliberately, with the intent to punish the other person, it may require the intervention of a professional. Resources for couples looking to find ways to overcome stonewalling include: The 7 best online couples therapy services in 2021 The 9 best affordable therapy options in 2021 The 6 best online marriage counseling services in 2021 How to create emotional safety in a relationship: 7 tips What is a couples retreat and why should you plan one? Relationship woes? Our advice columnist wants to hear from you! Submit your anonymous questions here for Sex, Love, and All of the Above from Psych Central sex and relationships writer Morgan Mandriota. Then subscribe to our weekly newsletter to find out if your question is featured. Was this helpful? s r Last medically reviewed on August 30, 2021  2 sources  v  z FEEDBACK:   Guerrero LK. (2009). “I’m so mad I could scream:” The effects of anger expression on relational satisfaction and communication competence. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10417949409372931 Levenson RW, et al. (1985). Physiological and affective predictors of change in relationship satisfaction. https://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Physiological-and-affective-predictors-of-changein-relationship-satisfaction.pdf READ THIS NEXT 8 Steps to Better Communication Today Medically reviewed by Vara Saripalli, PsyD Message intended not being the message received time and again? 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