The Yellow Wallpaper (1892) PDF

"I am sitting by the Window in th is Atrocious Nursery." THE YELLO\N \\TALL-PAPER. By Cltarlotte Perkins Stetson. T is very seldom Else, why should it be let so cheaply? that mere ord...

"I am sitting by the Window in th is Atrocious Nursery." THE YELLO\N \\TALL-PAPER. By Cltarlotte Perkins Stetson. T is very seldom Else, why should it be let so cheaply? that mere ordi­ And why have stood so long untenanted? nary P""ople like John laughs at me, of course, but one John and myself expects that in marriage. secure ancestral John is practical in the extreme. He hall s for the has no patience with faith, an intense summer. horror of superstition, and he scoffs A colonial man­ openly at any talk of things not to be felt sion, a hereditary and seen and put down in figures. estate, I would John is a physician, and perltaps - (I say a haunted would not say it to a living soul, of house, and reach the height of romantic course, but this is dead paper and a felicity- but that would be asking too great relief to my mind - ) per/zaps that much of fate! is one reason I do not get well faster. Still I will proudly declare that there is You see he does not believe I am sick!. something queer about it. And what can one do?  THE YELLOW WALL-PARER. If a physician of high standing, and I get unreasonably angry with John one's own husband, assures friends and sometimes. I'm sure I never used to be relatives that there is really nothing the so sensitive. I think it is due to this matter with one but temporary nervous nervous condition. depression - a slight hysterical tendency But John says if I feel so, I shall neglect - what is one to do? proper self-control; so I take pains to My brother is also a physician, and control myself-before him, at least, and also of high standing, and he says the that makes me very tired. same thing. I don't like our room a bit. I wanted So I take phosphates or phosphites­ one downstairs that opened on the piazza whichever it is, and tonics, and journeys, and had roses all over the window, and and air, and exercise, and am absolutely such pretty old-fashioned chintz hang­ forbidden to "work" until I am well again. ings! but John would not hear of it. Personally, I disagree with their ideas. He said there was only one window Personally, I believe that congenial and not room for two beds, and no near work, with excitement and change, would room for him if he took another. do me good. He is very careful and loving, and But what is one to do? hardly lets me stir without special direc­ I did write for a while 111 spite of tion. them; but it does exhaust me a good I have a schedule prescription for each deal-having to be so sly about it, or hour in the day; he takes all care from else meet with heavy opposition. me, and so I feel basely ungrateful not to I sometimes fancy that in my condi­ value it ·more. tion if I had less opposition and more He said we came here solely on my. society and stimulus - but John says the account, that I was to have perfect rest very worst thing I can do is to think and all the air I could get. "Your ex­ about my condition, and I confess it erc ise depends on your strength, my always makes me feel bad. dear," said he," and your food somewhat So I will let it alone and talk about on your appetite; but air you can ab­ the house. sorb all the time." So we took the nur­ The most beautiful place! It is quite sery at the top of the house. alone, standing well back from the road, It is a big, airy room, the whole floor quite three miles from the village. It nearly, with windows that look all ways, makes me think of English places that and air and sunshine galore. It was you read about, for there are hedges and nursery first and then playroom and walls and gates that lock, and lots of gymnasium, I should judge; for the win­ separate little houses for the gardeners dows are barred for little children, and and people. there are rings and things in the walls. There is a delicious garden! I never The paint and paper look as if a boys' saw such a garden -large and shady, school had used it. It is stripped off­ full of box-bordered paths, and lined with the paper - in great patches all around long grape-covered arbors with seats under the head of my bed, about as far as I can them. reach, and in a great place on the other There were greenhouses, too, but they side of the room low down. I never saw are all broken now. a worse paper in my life. There was some legal trouble, I be­ One of those sprawling flamboyant lieve, something about the heirs and co­ patterns committing every artistic sin. heirs; anyhow, the place has been empty It is dull enough to confuse the eye in for years. following, pronounced enough to con­ That spoils my ghostliness, I am afraid, stantly irritate and provoke study, and but I don't care - there is something when you follow the lame uncertain strange about the house - I can feel it. curves for a little distance they suddenly I even said so to John one moonlight commit suicide - plunge off at outrage­ evening, but he said what I felt was a ous angles, destroy themselves in un­ drauglzt, and shut the window. heard of contradictions.  THE YELLOW ·WAL~PAPER. 649 The color is repellant, almost revolt­ good," he said, "and really, dear, I don't ing ; a smouldering unclean yellow, care to renovate the house just for a strangely faded by the slow-turning sun­ three months' rental." light. "Then do let us go downstairs," I It is a dull yet lurid orange in some said, "there are such pretty rooms there." places, a sickly sulphur tint in others. Then he took me in his arms and No wonder the children hated it! I called me a blessed little goose, and said should hate it myself if I had to live in he would go down cellar, if I wished, and this room long. have it whitewashed into the bargain. There comes John, and I must put this But he is right enough about the beds away, - he hates to have me write a and windows and things. word. It is an airy and comfortable room as * anyone need wish, and, of course, I would We have been here two·weeks, and I not be so silly as to make him uncomfort­ haven't felt like writing before, since that able just for a whim. first day. I'm really getting quite fond of the I am sitting by the window now, up in big room, all but that horrid paper. this atrocious nursery, and there is noth­ Out of one window I can see the ing to hinder my writing as much as I garden, those mysterious deep-shaded please, save lack of strength. arbors, the riotous old-fashioned flowers, John is away all day, and even some and bushes and gnarly trees. nights when his cases are serious. Out of another I get a lovely view of I am glad my case is not serious! the bay and a little private wharf be­ But these nervous troubles are dread­ longing to the estate. There is a beauti­ fully depressing. ful shaded lane that runs down there John does not know how much I really from the house. I always fancy I see suffer. He knows there is no reason to people walking in these numerous paths suffer, and that satisfies him. and arbors, but John has cautioned me Of course it is only nervousness. It does not to give way to fancy in the least. He weigh o"n me so not to do my duty in says that with my imaginative power and any way! habit of story-making, a nervous weak­ I meant to be such a help to John, ness like mine is sure to lead to all man­ such a real rest and comfort, and here I ner of excited fancies, and that I ought am a comparative burden already! to use my will and good sense to check Nobody would believe what an effort it the tendency. So I try. is to do what little I am able, - to dress I think sometimes that if I were only and entertain, and order things. well enough to write_ a little it would re­ It is fortunate Mary is so good with lieve the press of ideas and rest me. the baby. Such a dear baby! But I find I get pretty tired when I try. And yet I cannot be with him, it makes It is so discouraging not to have any me so nervous. advice and companionship about my I suppose John never was nervous in work. When I get really well, John says his life. He laughs at me so about this we will ask Cousin Henry and Julia down wall-paper! for a long visit; but he says he would as At first he meant to repaper the room, soon put fireworks in my pillow-case as to but afterwards he said that I was letting let me have those stimulating people it get the better of me, and that nothing about now. was worse for a nervous patient than to I wish I could get well faster. give way to such fancies. But I must not think about that. This He said that after the wall-paper was paper looks to me as if it knew what a changed it would be the heavy bedstead, vicious influence it had! and then the barred windows, and then There is a recurrent spot where the. that gate at the head of the stairs, and so pattern lolls like a broken neck and two on. bulbous eyes stare at you upside down. "You know the place is doing you I get positively angry with the imperti­ j  650 THE YELLOW WALL-PAPER. nence of it and the everlastingness. Up irritating one, for you can only see It In and down and sideways they crawl, and certain lights, and not clearly then. those absurd, unblinking eyes are every­ But in the places where it isn't faded where. There is one place where two and where the sun is just so - I can see a breaths didn't match, and the eyes go all strange, provoking, formless sort of figure, up and down the line, one a little higher that seems to skulk about behind that silly than the other. and conspicuous front design. I never saw so much expression in an There's sister on the stairs! inanimate thing before, and we all know * * * * * * how much expression they have! I Well, the Fourth of July is over! The used to lie awake as a child and get more people are all gone and I am tired out. entertainment and terror out of blank John thought it might do me good to see walls and plain furniture than most chil­ a little company, so we just had mother dren could find in a toy-store. and Nellie and the children down for a I remember what a kindly wink the week. knobs of our big, old bureau used to Of course I didn't do a thing. Jennie have, and there was one chair that always sees to everything now. seemed like a strong friend. But it tired me all the same. I used to feel that if any of the other John says if I don't pick up faster he things looked too fierce I could always shall send me to Weir Mitchell in the fall. hop into that chair and be safe. But I don't want to go there at all. I The furniture in this room is no worse had a friend who was in his hands once, than inharmonious, however, for we had and she says he is just like John and my to bring it all from downstairs. I sup­ brother, only more so ! pose when this was used as a playroom Besides, it is such an undertaking to they had to take the nursery things out, go so far. and no wonder! I never saw such I don't feel as if it was worth while to raV.lges as the children have made here. turn my hand over for anything, and I'm The wall-paper, as I said before, is torn getting dreadfully fretful and querulous. off in spots, and it sticketh closer than a I cry at nothing, and cry most of the brother - they must have had persever­ time. ance as well as hatred. Of course I don't when John is here, Then the floor is scratched and gou~ed or anybody else, but when I am alone. and splintered, the plaster itself is dug And I am alone a good deal just now. out here and there, and this great heavy John is kept in town very often by serious bed which is all we found in the room, cases, and Jennie is good and lets me looks as if it had been through the wars. alone when I want her to. H But I don't mind it a bit - only the So I walk a little in the garden or paper. down that lovely lane, sit on the porch There comes John's sister. Such a under the roses, and lie down up here a dear girl as she is, and so careful of me ! good deal. I must not let her find me writing. I'm getting really fond of the room in She is a perfect and enthusiastic house­ spite of the wallpaper. Perhaps because keeper, and hopes for no better profes­ of the wallpaper. sion. I verily believe she thinks it is the It dwells in my mind so ! writing which made me sick! I lie here on this great immovable bed But I can write when she is out, and - it is nailed down, I believe - and fol­ see her a long way off from these windows. low that pattern about by the hour. It it There is one that commands the road, as good as gymnastics, I assure you. I a lovely shaded winding road, and one start, we'll say, at the bottom, down in that just looks off over the country. A the corner over there where it has nos lovely country, too, full of great elms and been touched, and I determine for the velvet meadows. thousandth time that I will follow that This wallpaper has a kind of su b­ pointless pattern to some sort of a con­ pattern in a different shade, a particularly clusion.  THE YELLOW WALL-PAPER. 651 I know a little of the principle of absurd. But I must say what I feel design, and I know this thing was not and think in some way - it is such a- arranged on any laws of radiation, or relief ! alternation, or repetition, or symmetry, or But the effort is getting to be greater anything else that I ever heard of. than the relief. It is repeated, of course, by the Half the time now I am awfully lazy,. breadths, but not otherwise. and lie down ever so much. Looked at in one way each breadth o John says I mustn't lose my strength,. stands alone, the bloated curves and and has me take cod liver oil and lots of flourishes - a kind of " debased Roma- nesque" with deli- rium tremens - go waddling up and down in isolated columns of fatuity. But, on the other hand, they connect diagonally, and the sprawling outlines run off in great slanting waves of optic horror, like a lot of wallowing sea- weeds in full chase. The whole thing goes horizontally, too, at least it seems so, and I exhaust myself in trying to distinguish the order of its going in that "direction. They have used a horizontal breadth for a frieze, and that adds wonderfully to the confusion. There is one end of the room where it is almost intact, IISh e didn't know I was in the Room. Il and there, when the crosslights fade and the low sun shines tonics and things, to say nothing of ale- directly upon it, I can almost fancy radia- and wine and rare meat. tion after all, - the interminable gro- Dear John! He loves me very dearlYr tesque seem to form around a common and hates to have me sick. I tried to centre and rush off in headlong plunges have a real earnest reasonable talk with. of equal distraction. him the other day, and tell him how I It makes me tired to follow it. I will wish he would let me go and make a visit take a nap I guess. to Cousin Henry and Julia. * * * * * * But he said I wasn't able to go, nor" I don't know why I should write this. able to stand it after I got there j and I I don't want to. did not make out a very good case for I don't feel able. myself, for I was crying before I had fin- And I know John would think it ished. ·652 THE YELLOW WALL-PAPER. It is getting to be a great effort for me The faint figure behind seemed to to think straight. Just this nervous weak­ shake the pattern, just as if she wanted ness I suppose. to get out. And dear John gathered me up in his I got up softly and went to feel and see arms, and just carried me upstairs and if the paper did move, and when I came laid me on the bed, and sat by me and back John was awake. read to me till it tired my head. "What is it, little girl?" he said. He said I was his darling and his COl).1­ "Don't go walking about like that­ fort and all he had, and that I must take you'll get cold.".care of myself for his sake, and keep I thought it was a good time to talk, well. so I told him that I really was not gain­ He says no one but myself can help ing here, and that I wished he would me out of it, that I must use my will and take me away. self-control and not let any silly fancies "Why, darling!" said he, "our lease run away with me. will be up in three weeks, and I can't see There's one comfort, the baby is well how to leave before..and happy, and does not have to occupy " The repairs are not done at home, and this nursery with the horrid wallpaper. I cannot possibly leave town just now. If we had not used it, that blessed Of course if you were in any danger, I child would have! What a fortunate es­ could and would, but you really are bet­ cape! Why, I wouldn't have a child of ·ter, dear, whether you can 6ee it or not. mine, an impressionable little thing, live I am a doctor, dear, and I know. You in such a room for worlds. are gaining flesh and color, your appetite is I never thought of it before, but it is better, I feel really much easier about you." lucky that John kept me here after all, I "I don't weigh a bit more," said I,.can stand it so much easier than a baby, "nor as much; and my appetite may be you see. better in the evening when you are here, Of course I never mention it to them but it is worse in the morning when you.any more - I am too wise, - but I keep are awav!" watch of it all the same. " Ble~s her little heart!" s:1id he with There are things in that paper that a big hug, "she sha ll be as sick as she nobody knows but me, or ever will. pleases! But now let's improve the shin­ Behind that outside pattern the dim ing hours by going to sleep, and talk shapes get clearer every day. about it in the morning! " It is always the same shape, only very "And you won't go away?" I asked num::!rous. gloomily. And it is like a woman stooping down "Why, how can I, dear? It is only.and creeping about behind that pattern. three weeks more and then we will take I don't like it a bit. I wonder - I be­ a nice little trip of a few days while -gin to think - I wish John would take Jennie is getting the house ready. Really ,me away from here! dear you are better! " * * * * * * " Better in body perhaps - " I began, It is so hard to talk with John about and stopped short, for he sat up straight my case, because he is so wise, and be­ and looked at me with such a stern, re­.cause he loves me so. proachful look that I could not say But I tried it last night. another word. It was moonlight. The moon shines "My darling," said he, " I beg of you, in all around just as the sun does. for my sake and for our child's sake, as I hate to see it sometimes, it creeps so well as for your own, that you will never slowly, and always comes in by one win­ for one instant let that idea enter your ,dow or another. mind! There is nothing so dangerous, John was asleep and I hated to waken so fascinating, to a temperament like nim, so I kept still and watched the yours. It is a false and foolish fancy. moonlight on that undulating wallpaper Can you not trust me as a physician when till I felt creepy. I tell you so? "  THE YELLOW WALL-PAPER. 653­ So of course I said no more on that Indeed he started the habit by making­ score, and we went to sleep before long. me lie down for an hour after each meal. He thought I was asleep first, but I It is a very bad habit I am convinced,. wasn't, and lay there for hours trying to for you see I don't sleep..decide whether that front pattern and the And that cultivates deceit, for I don't back pattern really did move together or tell them I'm awake - 0 no ! separately. The fact is I am getting a little afraid * * * * * * of John. On a pattern like this, by daylight, He seems very queer sometimes, and there is a lack of sequence, a defiance of even Jennie has an inexplicable look. law, that is a ' constant irritant to a nor­ It strikes me occasionally, just as a mal mind. scientific hypothesis,- that perhaps it is· The color is hideous enough, and un­ the paper! reliable enough, and infuriating enough, I have watched John when he did not but the pattern is torturing. know I was looking, and come into the You think you have mastered it, but room suddenly on the most innocent ex­ just as you get well underway in following, cuses, and I've caught him several times. it turns a back-somersault and there you looking at the paper! And Jennie too. I are. It slaps you in the face, knocks caught Jennie with her hand on it once_ you down, and tramples upon you. It is She didn't know I was in the room,. like a bad dream. and when I asked her in a quiet, a very The outside pattern is a florid ara­ quiet voice, with the most restrained man­ besque, reminding one of a fungus. If ner possible, what she was doing with the you can imagine a toadstool in joints, an paper - she turned around as if she had interminable string of toadstools, budding been caught stealing, and looked quite and sprouting in endless convolutions­ angry - asked me why I should frighten. why, that is something like it. her so ! That is, sometimes! Then she said that the paper stained There is one marked peculiarity about everything it touched, that she had found this paper, a thing nobody seems to yellow smooches on all my clothes and notice but myself, and that is that it John's, and she wished we would be more' changes as the light changes. careful! When the sun shoots in through the Did not that sound innocent? But I east window - I always watch for that know she was studying that pattern, and first long, straight ray - it changes so I am determined that nobody shall find quickly that I never can quite believe it. it out but myself! That is why I watch it always. * * * * * * By moonligh[ - the moon shines in all Life is very much more excltmg now night when there is a moon - I wouldn't than it used to be. You see I have some­ know it was the same paper. thing more to expect, to look forward to,. At night in any kind of light, in twi­ to watch. I really do eat better, and am light, candlelight, lamplight, and worst of more quiet than I was. all by moonlight, it becomes bars! The John is so pleased to see me improve! outside pattern I mean, and the woman He laughed a little the other day, and behind it is as plain as can be. said I seemed to be flourishing in spite I didn't realize for a long time what of my wall-paper. the thing was that showed behind, that I turned it off with a laugh. I had no dim sub-pattern, but now I am quite sure intention of telling him it was because of it is a woman. the wall-paper - he would make fun of By daylight she is subdued, quiet. I me. He might even want to take me away. fancy it is the pattern that keeps her so I don't want to leave now until I have still. It is so puzzling. It keeps me found it out. There is a week more, and quiet by the hour. I think that will be enough. I lie down ever so much now. John says * * * * * * it is good for me, and to sleep all I can. I'm feeling ever so much better! I 654 THE YELLOW WALL-PAPER.