Chapter 11

The Nature of Conflict

• Conflict arises when one person's desires or actions obstruct or impede another's, stemming from dissimilarity
• Conflicts in relationships are unavoidable
• Moods and preferences will differ occasionally
• Certain tensions will always cause strain

Dialectics

• Dialectics are opposing motivations that cannot be fully satisfied simultaneously
• Partners may struggle between wanting independence and togetherness
• Fulfilling one desire may endanger the other

Common Dialectics

• Autonomy vs Connection: wanting freedom but also emotional closeness
• Openness vs Closedness: wanting intimacy through self-disclosure but also privacy
• Stability vs Change: wanting to maintain a pleasant relationship but also seeking novelty and excitement
• Integration vs Separation from Social Network: balancing time with friends and loved ones

Four Main Dialectics

• Autonomy vs. Connection (Dependent vs. Independent)
• Stability vs. Change
• Integration vs. Separation from Social Network
• Openness vs. Closedness

Frequency of Conflict

• Children with parents experience conflict every 3.6 minutes
• Dating couples experience approximately 2.3 conflicts per week
• Spouses experience conflict around every 2 weeks, or at least once a month
• Many conflicts are not addressed; around 40% of conflicts are ignored

Factors Influencing Conflict

• Personality: High negative emotionality leads to more disagreements, while high agreeableness results in less conflict and more constructive reactions
• Attachment Style: Secure individuals experience fewer conflicts; insecure individuals face increased conflict, with anxious individuals showing heightened distress and avoidant individuals withdrawing
• Stage of Life: Conflicts are more frequent in young adulthood but decrease later on, with older couples showing less belligerence and more respect
• Similarity: Less similar dating partners experience more conflict
• Stress: Stressful days increase irritability and the likelihood of conflict
• Sleep: Poor sleep routines can increase conflict due to irritation
• Alcohol: Alcohol consumption exacerbates conflict

Forms of Criticism

• Criticism involves verbal or nonverbal acts communicating unfair dissatisfaction
• Criticism expresses unfair disappointment or disapproval about a partner's actions, thoughts, or character, often feeling harsh or overly negative

Categories of Annoyances

• Illegitimate Demands: Unjust requests exceeding normal expectations
• Rebuff: Failure to respond as expected when one person appeals to another
• Cumulative Annoyances: Irritations that build up over time, leading to social allergies, where repeated exposure to small nuisances results in disgust

Evolutionary Conflict

• Evolutionary Perspective on Conflict: conflict sometimes arises because of differing reproductive interests between men and women

Sexual Desire

• Differences in sexual desire are a common source of conflict in most couples
• These difficulties can be persistent and last for the course of ones relationship

Attributional Conflict

• Attributional Conflict: This involves arguing over conflicting explanations, made difficult by bias and annoyance when others disagree (actor/observer effect, self-serving bias)

Benevolent Attributes

• Benevolent Attributes: These include qualities or characteristics showing kindness and generosity, which are linked to resolution of conflicts

Factors Influencing Resolution

• Belief in Partner's Ability to Change: Announcing discontent and seeking solutions is more likely if there is a belief that the partner can change
• Belief in Partner's Inability to Change: Announcing discontent and seeking solutions is less likely if there is a belief that the partner is unable to change

Peterson's General Model of Conflict

• Avoidance: Both partners evade the issue
• Negotiation: Seeking resolution through rational problem solving
• Escalation: The conflict intensifies into belligerent demands, threats, and dysfunctional communication

Direct Tactics

• Direct tactics challenge the partner with accusations and attribute negative qualities
• Hostile commands include threats of physical or emotional harm, antagonistic questions, and sarcastic put-downs

Indirect Tactics

• Indirect nasty tactics include tactics like changing topics, evasive remarks, dysphoric affect, and condescension
• Condescension, where someone is treated as inferior, can imply animosity or arrogance
• These tactics influence conflict more than resolve it

Other Conflict Traits

• Cantankerous conflicts, involving contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, or belligerence
• These conflicts increase stress hormones, heart rate, blood pressure, and weaken the immune system

Negative Reciprocity

• Negative Effect Reciprocity: Negative behavior triggers a similar response, creating a cycle of negativity

Emotional Flooding

• Emotional Flooding: Overwhelming arousal (=emotional or physical alertness) prevents clear thinking

Effects of Being Flooded

• Loss of sense of humor
• Impaired creative problem-solving
• Impaired competent processing of information
• Reduced logical thinking

Demand/Withdraw Pattern

• Demand/Withdraw Pattern: One partner demands, criticizes, and pressures for change, while the other withdraws by changing the topic, avoiding discussion, or walking away

Effects of This Pattern

• The demander experiences feelings of disregard, rejection, ignorance, or misunderstanding
• Relationship satisfaction decreases
• Women tend to be the demanders, men tend to be the withdrawers due to gender differences and social structure

Conflict Resolution

• Negotiation of Conflict: Discussing disagreements to find a mutually acceptable solution
• Accommodation of Conflict: One person gives in to maintain peace, but it may lead to resentment

Direct Negotiation Traits

• Showing willingness to solve the problem
• Support for the other’s point of view
• Offering self-disclosure with 'I' statements
• Giving affection

Indirect Negotiation Traits

• Kindness
• Friendliness
• Use of non-sarcastic humor

Advice for Successful Negotiation

• Be attentive: focus on what the partner has to say
• Be optimistic
• Value your partner’s outcomes
• Consider what you can do differently
• Adopt a future orientation
• Take breaks when annoyed or irritated

Constructive Conflict Resolution

• Constructive conflict resolution: Handle disputes positively, focused on solutions to improve the relationship
• Constructive conflict Resolution involves listening and understanding

Destructive Conflict Resolution

• Destructive conflict resolution: Disagreements result in hurt feelings, aggression, or resentment. People may blame each other, stop talking, or escalate arguments and this damages the relationship

Four Responses to Conflict

• Categorized as active or passive, and constructive or destructive.

Voice

• Behaving in an active, constructive manner to improve the situation and discuss problems with the partner

Loyalty

• Behaving in a passive, constructive manner by hoping and waiting for conditions to improve

Neglect

• Behaving passively and destructively by avoiding discussion and reducing interdependence

Exit

• Behaving in an active, destructive way by ending the relationship

Active vs Passive Responses

• Active: Taking direct action to address the issue
• Passive: Avoiding action and waiting or withdrawing

Four Types of Couples

• Volatile couples: Have frequent, passionate arguments, showing strong emotions but often making up quickly
• Validators: Fight more politely, behaving calmly, and validating each other's perspectives
• Avoiders: Avoid confrontation and rarely argue, preferring to keep the peace
• Hostiles: Couples are unable to maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive-to-negative behavior, with discussions marked by criticism, contempt, and defensiveness

Couple Dynamics

• Volatile couples, validators, and avoiders can still stay together due to the 5:1 ratio, and hostiles cannot

Ways Conflict Ends

• Separation: One or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict
• Conquest/Domination: One partner gets his or her way
• Compromise: Both parties reduce their aspirations or change their goals, finding another alternative
• Integrative Agreements: Fulfilling both partners’ original goals with creativity
• Structural Improvement: Partners grow and make desirable changes to their relationship

Is Conflict Bad?

• Conflict is common, normal, and necessary
• Conflict is not something to ignore and is an essential tool that promotes intimacy
• A key point is that it makes partners happier when they address their problems

Conflict Management

• Successful conflict management includes self-control

Speaker-Listener Technique

• Speaker-Listener Technique: Promotes active listening skills between partnes
• The one who 'has the floor', is the speaker, and should use 'I-sentences'
• Then; the listener actively listens without interrupting, and paraphrases the message before swapping roles.