The Nature of Love
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Questions and Answers

According to the content, what is the central characteristic common to all forms of love?

  • The connection of one's own well-being to that of the person or thing loved. (correct)
  • A desire to constantly be physically close to the object of affection.
  • The belief that the loved one can do no wrong.
  • A feeling of intense excitement in the presence of the loved one.

Which of the following scenarios best demonstrates the principle that 'the people you love are included inside your boundaries, their well-being is your own?'

  • Feeling happy when a colleague receives a promotion at work.
  • Being upset when hearing about a stranger's misfortune on the news .
  • Donating to a charity that supports people affected by a natural disaster.
  • An athlete's satisfaction in winning a medal, knowing their parents are proud. (correct)

According to the content, if a person does not feel personally affected by the suffering of others, even when contributing to alleviate their plight, what can be inferred?

  • The person is likely experiencing compassion fatigue
  • A loving relationship with those suffering is not present (correct)
  • The person is incapable of experiencing empathy.
  • The person is demonstrating a sign of emotional detachment.

Consider a situation where someone enjoys benefiting a loved one, but only when it aligns directly with their own preferences. How does this relate to the model of love described in the content?

<p>It reflects a conditional form of love, tied to personal gain or validation. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

A parent feels proud when their child receives an academic award but feels indifferent when their child wins a video game competition. How does this relate to the ideas presented in the text?

<p>The parent's sense of their child's well-being is linked to academic achievement, but not video games . (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

A person describes their feelings: 'When my partner is struggling at work, I feel stressed and drained, even though my job is fine. But when they celebrate a success, I feel incredibly happy and motivated.' According to the content, what does this best exemplify?

<p>The intertwined well-being characteristic of love. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which of the following is the most accurate interpretation of the statement: 'Love is not necessarily a matter of caring equally or more about someone else than about yourself?'

<p>Love can exist even when one's own well-being is prioritized. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what differentiates 'being in love' (infatuation) from other forms of love?

<p>An intense and often overwhelming preoccupation with the other person. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what is the primary transformation that infatuation undergoes?

<p>It either develops into sustained romantic love or dissipates entirely. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the central characteristic of a 'we' relationship, as described in the content?

<p>An intertwined web of relationships where the well-being of each person is connected. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How does forming a 'we' impact individual autonomy, according to the content?

<p>It involves curtailing individual decision-making power and rights, necessitating joint decisions on certain matters. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what is the significance of a couple presenting themselves as a unit to the world?

<p>It is an expression and assertion of their new and continuing identity as a couple. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the content suggest about how love affects one's alertness to the well-being of their partner?

<p>Love leads to a heightened alertness to the partner's well-being and their connection. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

In the context of forming a 'we', how does the content describe the pooling of well-being?

<p>Each partner's well-being becomes intertwined, creating a supportive safety net for each other. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is implied about the nature of the desire to form a 'we' in romantic love, according to the content?

<p>It's essential and fundamental to the core of love. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what happens to the individual identity when someone becomes part of a 'we'?

<p>Individual identity is altered and supplemented by a new identity as part of the couple. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

In the discussion of alertness within a 'we', what example is used to illustrate this heightened awareness?

<p>A person being more worried about the dangers of traveling when their partner is traveling alone. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what might economists suggest about selecting a mate?

<p>It involves the rational pooling of risks. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Within a 'we' relationship, how is decision-making authority typically distributed?

<p>Authority is shared, requiring joint decisions on matters impacting both individuals and the relationship. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what results from unreciprocated love?

<p>Obsessive rumination and melancholy. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The content alludes to romantic love as potentially reaching artistic or mythic significance. What example is given to support this?

<p>Lying together like figures in a painting, jointly living a new tale from Ovid. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the main point the content makes about homosexual couples?

<p>They face serious impediments when unable to express and assert their identity as a couple in public. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the meaning behind the phrase "love places a floor under your well-being"?

<p>Love acts as a safety net, providing support and comfort during difficult times. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How does a home primarily function within a committed partnership?

<p>It symbolizes and reflects the shared feelings and experiences of the couple. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary significance of children within a family, according to the text?

<p>They are individuals to be loved and cared for, possessing their own intrinsic value. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How do intimate bonds, such as love and friendship, affect an individual's sense of self?

<p>They alter the boundaries and contours of the self, changing its topology. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

In what way do religious quests relate to changes in the individual self, as described in the text?

<p>Religious quests often seek to alter the boundaries and contours of the self. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Based on the text, why might it be challenging to simultaneously pursue a romantic relationship and a spiritual quest?

<p>Both involve significant alterations to the self's topology, making it difficult to manage both fully. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How should changes in the self's boundaries and topology be evaluated?

<p>By the new entity created, with its evaluations and standards. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What analogy does the text use to illustrate the potential for positive change beyond the individual self's perspective?

<p>The merging of sperm and egg to create a new organism. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What overall concept does the text use 'metamorphose' exemplify in intimate relationships?

<p>The transformative nature of love's bond. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what plays a significant role, in addition to the merits and qualities of another person, in choosing a partner?

<p>The excitement and delight invoked by the idea of forming a 'we' with that person. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The content suggests that the idea of just one right person in the world becomes true after the 'we' is formed because:

<p>One's identity becomes intertwined with the specific 'we' created with that person. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, why would a person in romantic love not seek to 'trade up' to a 'better' mate?

<p>They come to love the particularities of their mate's qualities, which are unique and irreplaceable. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The content draws a parallel between romantic love and friendship to highlight the importance of:

<p>Sharing experiences and a sense of togetherness. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is one potential indicator of a newly formed 'we' identity within a couple?

<p>One partner defers reading material of interest to the other, trusting the other will register its essence for their shared understanding. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The content suggests that one of the defining characteristics of friendship is:

<p>Sharing experiences and resources. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the text suggest about the impact of intimate relationships on an individual's sense of self?

<p>Intimate relationships can blur the boundaries of the self, altering its structure and topology. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How do men and women potentially differ in their perception of the 'we' in relation to their individual selves, according to the text?

<p>Men are more inclined to see the 'we' as a significant part of themselves, whereas women are more likely to perceive themselves as contained within the 'we'. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the content suggest is the relationship between sexual desire and romantic love?

<p>Sexual desire strengthens and intensifies as it becomes a vehicle for expressing romantic love. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

In the context of a romantic relationship, what is the significance of autonomy for each partner, as described in the text?

<p>Autonomy is essential, as only an independent and nonsubservient person can contribute to a fulfilling joint identity. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, the desire to share not only our life but our very identity with another:

<p>Marks our fullest openness and intimacy. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the text trying to convey with the statement: 'What you need and want is to possess the other as completely as you do your own identity'?

<p>It expresses the desire to form a new joint identity with the other person, integrating them deeply into one's sense of self. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, the 'self' can be construed as:

<p>An appropriative mechanism moving to sole possession of things. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

When the content mentions Plato, it states that he:

<p>Reversed the matter; love grows from general aspects/traits to particular ones. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What role does 'playfulness' have in romantic relationships?

<p>Playfulness is a way for each person in love to delight in the other and express their affection. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what is almost inevitable after sexual desire links with romantic love?

<p>Mutual desire for sexual monogamy. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does it mean to be loved 'for themselves,' according to the text?

<p>Being loved for who you are as a person and not because of specific characteristics. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

In romantic love, when imagining a better mate, a person will require which of the following?

<p>A very particular constellation of very particular traits. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

In the context of love, what does the text imply about the role of 'characteristics' in forming a bond with someone?

<p>Characteristics may initially attract someone, but eventually, love must transcend those specific qualities and embrace the person as a whole. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is implied about the phrase 'being with Eve' or 'being with Adam' in the context of a romantic relationship?

<p>It signifies that being together with that person is a significant part of one's identity. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what constitutes the boundaries between individuals?

<p>The specialness of possession and ownership. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is a key difference between imprinting in ducks and love between people?

<p>Human love, unlike imprinting, is not unalterable and can be overcome by negative characteristics or new attachments. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what do people share in a 'we'?

<p>An identity. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the author suggest about how feelings of discomfort that stem from childhood can be dealt with within a loving relationship?

<p>They can be transformed in the closest attentive and loving sexual intimacy. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the author suggest about love that is based on specific characteristics?

<p>It seems conditional and may diminish if those characteristics fade or someone else has them to a greater extent. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Why does the text suggest a 'readiness to trade up' in relationships is incompatible with love?

<p>Because love involves forming a 'we' and identifying with it, making a trade-up a form of self-destruction. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, what is the desire in romantic love?

<p>To form a 'we' with that particular person and with no other. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the danger of being loved for aspects of yourself that are 'peripheral' to your identity?

<p>Knowing that you are being loved for shallow reasons. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How does the text refute the purely economic explanation of why people in love relationships don't 'trade up' for someone 'better'?

<p>Economic analyses do not adequately explain the commitment and particularism intrinsic to love. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the text imply about the long-term sustainability of a relationship that begins with attraction to specific traits?

<p>The relationship can last provided the love evolves to encompass the whole person. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the feature of friendships according to the content?

<p>The sharing of experiences. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the intention in a loving relationship?

<p>To form a 'we' and identify with it as an extended self, sharing fortunes and misfortunes. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What happens when we see the other person happy because of our love?

<p>We end up becoming happier with ourselves. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which of the following best describes the relationship between individual autonomy and shared identity ('we') in a romantic partnership, according to the text?

<p>A healthy romantic 'we' requires both partners to maintain their individual autonomy while simultaneously nurturing a shared identity. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the significance of 'specialized assets' in the context of a long-term, loving relationship, according to the text?

<p>They are developed to better fit and trade with a specific partner, providing assurance of continued trade. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What condition must be met before someone would consider sinking into a new 'we'?

<p>The individual has ceased to identify with their current 'we', i.e., has already ceased to love. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the text implying when stating: 'In receiving adult love, we are held worthy of being the primary object of the most intense love, something we were not given in the childhood oedipal triangle.'?

<p>Adult love presents an opportunity to experience a level of acceptance and devotion that may have been lacking in childhood. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which of the following best describes the 'economic prudence' argument against trading up in relationships, as presented in the text?

<p>It suggests that the potential losses from switching partners often outweigh the potential gains. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the author imply about Plato's theory of love in relation to the idea of 'trading up'?

<p>Plato’s theory is especially vulnerable to these questions, for there it is the Form of Beauty that is the ultimate and appropriate object of love. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Why might someone direct an attitude of love, including commitment to a particular person, toward us?

<p>In order to receive similar commitment and assurance in return. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What analogy does the author use to illustrate how initial attraction can evolve into a deeper, unconditional love?

<p>Imprinting in ducks, where initial attraction to a moving object leads to unwavering attachment. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How does the text describe the relationship between personal identity and the 'we' formed in a loving relationship?

<p>Personal identity becomes intertwined with the 'we', forming an extended self. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the text imply about the role of negative characteristics in a loving relationship?

<p>They can eventually overcome the initial love, even if it was not based on specific characteristics. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which of the following is NOT a reason why someone might be hesitant to 'trade up' in a relationship?

<p>The guarantee of finding someone who is objectively 'better' in every way. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which scenario most accurately reflects the concept of a 'joint identity' as presented in the text?

<p>Two individuals merge their finances, goals, and sense of self into a shared 'we'. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the provided content, what is a key distinction between friendship and romantic love in terms of identity?

<p>Romantic love necessitates a shared identity, whereas friendship thrives without it. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The author suggests reading newspapers is primarily driven by:

<p>A desire to share information and maintain a common base of knowledge with others. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What potential challenge is presented regarding having multiple friendships?

<p>The crisscrossing web of friendships can cause conflicts of action and attachment, making it challenging to define a larger cohesive entity. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The author uses Aristotle's view of a friend as a 'second self' primarily to illustrate:

<p>The complex dynamics of self-awareness and reflection facilitated through friendship. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the significance of participating in joint action, such as a political cause, according to the content?

<p>It fosters a sense of solidarity and purpose, linking individuals to something larger than themselves. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the author suggest about the necessity of romantic love and 'we' formation for every individual?

<p>While valuable, romantic love and 'we' formation are not necessarily the best path for every individual at every point in their lives. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Why does the author include examples like Buddha, Socrates, Jesus, Beethoven, and Gandhi?

<p>To illustrate that certain individuals may achieve more profound accomplishments by not prioritizing romantic partnerships. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How does marriage affect the 'we'?

<p>Marriage strengthens the 'we', allowing partners to build a life together with confidence and focus. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which of the following is most accurate according to the content? An important element of friendship is:

<p>that it shares activities for no reason other than simply sharing them. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

According to the content, why might young adults have a special need to participate with others in joint action directed toward an external goal?

<p>Because they have recently left the family. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the author mean by the phrase 'two biographies have become one'?

<p>It is a non-literal description of a couple joining together. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Why does the text suggest it is unlikely that a single person can maintain membership in multiple 'romantic couples' simultaneously?

<p>It is difficult to delineate any larger entity to which one can safely cede powers and make the bearer of a larger identity. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The text offers an analogy between multiple bi-lateral defence treaties and multiple friendships; what is the author trying to illustrate?

<p>Conflicts of action and attachment can occur that make it difficult to delineate any larger entity to which one safely can cede powers and make the bearer of a larger identity. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The author offers the view 'a friend is a second self'. Which is the most accurate interpretation of this phrase?

<p>A friend is a means to your own self-awareness. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The text suggests that romantic love:

<p>is more intense than friendship. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which of the following best describes the function of infatuation in forming a 'we' according to the text?

<p>It provides initial enthusiasm and facilitates a shift in thinking towards a shared identity, easing concerns about personal autonomy. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The analogy of Israel and the Palestinians is used to illustrate what aspect of forming a 'we'?

<p>The difficulty in initiating mutual recognition and commitment when each party seeks assurance from the other first. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the key requirement to overcome the conditional recognition problem?

<p>Asymmetry in the initial offers, where one party offers a more complex conditional recognition to begin with. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What does the phrase 'Aristotelian rather than Newtonian' motion suggest about maintaining a 'we'?

<p>The 'we' is maintained through continuous effort and repeated expressions of love and affection. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Why is 'trading up' considered incompatible with love and forming a 'we'?

<p>It indicates a lack of interest in long-term emotional investment and commitment to the specific person in the relationship. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What fundamentally distorts romantic love when viewed through an egoistic lens?

<p>It shifts the focus from the relationship and the other person to one's gains and personal state within the relationship. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the primary concern of lovers as lovers, according to the text?

<p>The well-being of the other person and nurturing the relationship between them. (C)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Which of the following scenarios best represents the concept of wanting to hug someone versus using them as an opportunity to become a hugger?

<p>Offering comfort to a friend in distress because of genuine empathy and care for their well-being. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The text suggests that the desire to have love in one’s life differs from what?

<p>Loving and wanting to form a 'we' with a specific person. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

How does the explicit statement of a nested conditional such as “I will love you if you will love me if I will love you,” affect the formation of a 'we'?

<p>It complicates and hinders the genuine formation of a we, indicating excessive caution and conditional commitment. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What role do romantic gestures and avowals of love play in maintaining a 'we', according to the text?

<p>They serve as continuous impetus, reinforcing the bond and desire to maintain a 'we'. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the significance of the phrase 'breaking the customary frame' in the context of romantic gestures?

<p>It means doing something unexpected and that shows a special effort to express one's attachment. (B)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What differentiates romantic love from other significant personal ties like friendships and sexual relationships?

<p>The formation of a 'we,' which involves sharing a joint identity is unique to romantic love. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

The author mentions the 'intentional object of our desire'. What does this refer to in the context of romantic love?

<p>The primary focus of our desires, whether it is the relationship or our own state within that relationship. (D)</p> Signup and view all the answers

What is the result of treating a relationship as merely a set of ordered pairs, according to the author?

<p>It abstracts the relational from whatever stands in it. (A)</p> Signup and view all the answers

Flashcards

Love

Your well-being is linked to someone (or something) else.

Love's Effect

Changes in another's well-being cause changes in your own.

Infatuation

The feeling of being in an intense state, constantly thinking about them.

Physical Contact

Wanting to be constantly together and touch.

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Romantic Expression

Expressing feelings through gifts or poetry.

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Perception of Time

Feeling short separations are long.

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Idealization

Finding the other's minor foibles delightful.

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Expanded Affection

Finding everyone charming and nice.

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Unrequited Love

Melancholy, rumination, and obsessive thoughts when love isn't returned.

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Forming a 'We'

A feeling of unity, forming a new entity with someone.

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Romantic Love

Wanting to form a 'we' and desiring the other to reciprocate.

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Shared Well-being

Well-being is linked; bad things that happen to one, affect the other.

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Love and Risk

The risk of personal harm because of your love for someone.

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Pooled Autonomy

Limiting individual decision-making; decisions are made jointly.

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Couple Identity

Viewing yourselves as a unit and presenting that to the world.

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New Identity

A new, additional identity as part of a couple or unit.

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Psychological Stance

How you feel when something changes or is lost in a relationship.

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Alertness to Connection

Devoting alertness to their well-being and your connection.

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Areas of Special Alertness

Continually making the other person’s well-being a priority.

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Separation Alertness

Greater worry when the other travels alone, highlighting separation anxiety.

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Core of Romantic Love

Romantic love is wanting to form a 'we' with someone.

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The 'We' Entity

Created by a web of new emotional and practical connections.

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Division of labor

Shared activities, where each person takes on tasks based on interest or ability, contributing to a shared identity.

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vicarious enjoyment

The feeling of reading something for your partner as part of your shared experience.

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The 'we' feeling

The palpable sense of a shared identity with someone.

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Merged Boundaries

Visualizing the boundaries between individuals blurring to represent unity.

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Unitive Experience

The merging of two individuals, enhancing the joint identity's formation.

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Enhanced Identity

A 'we' enhances individual identities, rather than diminishes or consumes the individual self.

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Nonsubservient Autonomy

Joint identity formation requires mutual autonomy and independence.

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Complete Possession

The desire to fully know and 'possess' the other as completely as one knows themselves, within a romantic We.

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Reconciled We

The reconciliation of individual autonomy and complete possession in a romantic we.

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Mutual Delight

Experiencing joy in giving joy to your partner and being playful together.

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Worthy of Love

Being deemed deserving as a source of extreme affection.

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Happiness Reflection

Experiencing increased happiness with oneself through seeing one's loved one happy.

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Authentic Love

Feeling loved when you're fully, truly yourself, flaws and all.

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Intimate Acceptance

Being fully known, accepted, and 'cleansed' by a loving partner, including flaws and insecurities.

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Integrated Identity

Being intimately interwoven with your partner such that being together is an important, salient characteristic about your identity.

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Unconditional Love

Love is not conditional on specific characteristics, but rather a general acceptance of the person.

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Conditional to Unconditional

Initially, love may be based on desired characteristics, but deepens beyond them.

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Love's Alterability

Unlike imprinting, love can diminish due to negative characteristics or new attachments.

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Love and Commitment

Someone within a 'we' does not seek alterations; they are committed.

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Love vs. Trading Up

Seeking a 'better' partner is incompatible with genuine love.

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Investment in Relationships

Knowing someone well requires a large investment of time and energy.

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Revealed Qualities

Trustworthiness, reliability, and compassion are revealed through shared experiences.

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Focus on the Present 'We'

It's wiser to improve a current relationship than seek a new, uncertain one.

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Love's Particularism

Love intrinsically focuses on the particular individual loved.

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Joint Identity

Intentions in love form united identities, to identify as one's extended self.

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Destroying 'We' is Destroying Self

A willingness to give up a we implies a willingness to destroy the self.

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New 'We' and Commitment

Intending to form a new 'we' also implies a willingness to no longer trade up.

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Love's Exclusivity

Once a 'we' is formed through love, the willingness to trade up vanishes.

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Extended Self

A form of self that extends past just merely a physical body. A concept, emotion, spirit.

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Fitting a Partner

In order to specialize to fit a partner; one must be commited and guarenteed.

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Home as Symbol

A shared space reflecting a couple's feelings and interactions.

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Children as Incarnation

Children can embody the love and extended self created by parents.

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Intrinsic Value of Children

Caring for, enjoying, and loving children for their unique selves.

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Topology of Self

Intimate connections reshape individual identity and boundaries.

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Religious Quest

Expanding the self to connect with all existence or a divine entity.

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General Love for Humanity

Universal affection that alters personal identity.

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Simultaneous Quests

Balancing romantic relationships with spiritual pursuits.

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Metamorphosis

Evaluating changes in identity through the lens of the new entity created.

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We Excitement

The feeling of excitement and delight when considering forming a 'we' with someone.

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One Right Person

After forming a 'we', the feeling that there is only one right person in the world for you.

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Particularity of Love

Romantic love involves loving the specific traits of a person, not just general qualities.

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No Trading Up

Not seeking to 'trade up' because the loved person is unique and irreplaceable.

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Desire for a 'We'

The desire to form a shared identity with a specific person.

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Sexual Monogamy

Romantic love includes a mutual desire for sexual monogamy.

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Friendship Sharing

Friendship involves a desire for shared experiences.

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Magnified Sharing

Shared experiences are magnified and more enjoyable when done together.

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Sharing Intention

Sharing is not just for individual benefits but to be had or done together.

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Overlapping Boundaries

Boundaries between friends' overlap, especially in shared experiences.

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Possessing Together

Sharing entails joining with friends in possessing experiences together.

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Mutual 'We' Desire

The desire for the other person to form one with you and no other.

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Friendship's Self-Shape

Friendship alters an individual's boundaries, shaping the self.

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Identity Sharing

The desire to share not only life but one's very identity with another person.

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Shared Identity

In a 'we,' people share an identity, rather than each having enlarged identities.

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Infatuation's Role

An initial stage of romance that helps overcome anxieties about autonomy.

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Cynical View of Infatuation

A perspective that infatuation is a temporary bond until commitment solidifies.

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Softening Boundaries

The process of reducing personal barriers and creating a shared sense of identity.

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Avowals of Love

Repeated declarations of affection to establish mutual commitment.

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Aristotelian Motion in Love

The continuous expression of love and commitment to sustain a relationship.

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Romantic Gestures

Special actions that symbolize and express attachment.

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Breaking the Customary Frame

An action disrupting routine to show love and dedication.

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Willingness to transform

The desire to improve or change oneself for the better

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Trading Up Incompatibility

The idea that considering other options is incompatible with true love.

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Personal Ties

Strong connections without a shared identity.

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Benefits of Joint Identity

The things made especially possible by the we, like shared experiences.

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Being With vs. Being Someone With

Focusing on being with the person, not just being someone who is with them.

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Lovers' Central Concern

The central focus on the other person and the relationship.

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Desire for Love vs. Loving Someone

Wanting to have mutual love vs. loving a particular person.

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The Central Fact About Love

The relation between the lovers, as opposed to their individual states.

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Friendship

Close relationship where experiences, activities, and interests are shared.

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Friendship Purpose

A relationship where activities are shared for the sake of sharing, not ulterior motives.

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Sharing Information

Sharing information to create common mental contents.

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Nonromantic Sharing

Occurs without a shared identity.

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Joint Action Solidarity

The sense of solidarity from participating in joint action towards an external goal.

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Youth Idealism

Idealism is linked with others toward a larger joint purpose.

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Civilization Sharing

Creating and sharing something meaningful together.

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We Formation

A specific identity formation, involves forgoing exceptional possibilities.

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We Continuation

Intending for ‘we’ to continue.

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Marriage

Marks a full identification with the ‘we’.

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Building Together

Building a confident life together.

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The We Life

The shared life of a couple.

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First Child

The couple's first child is the union of two biographies.

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Incarnation of Love

A web of love relationships giving a physical incarnation.

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Biographies Merged

Two biographies become one continuous narrative.

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Study Notes

  • Love extends one's well-being to another, marking different kinds of love like that for children, parents, country, etc.
  • Love isn't about caring more for another than oneself, but about one's well-being being affected by another's.

Infatuation

  • "Being 'in love'" or infatuation involves constant thoughts of the person, desire for touch and togetherness, excitement, loss of sleep, and expressing feelings through various means.
  • Other concerns become minor, and the relationship's vividness can take on artistic or mythical proportions.
  • If love is unreciprocated, it leads to melancholy, obsessive rumination, fantasies, and even suicidal thoughts.

Romantic Love

  • Infatuation either transforms into continuing romantic love or disappears.
  • Continuing romantic love creates a "we," a new entity formed by the union of two people.
  • Romantic love is wanting to form a "we" with a specific person, and wanting them to feel the same.

The "We"

  • A "we" is a new web of relationships that makes people less separate, not a physical binding.
  • One's well-being is tied to their romantic partner, creating both risk and insurance.
  • Forming a we involves pooling autonomy, limiting individual decision-making power, and making decisions jointly.
  • A couple views themselves as a new unit and presents that identity to the world.
  • Being part of a we creates a new, additional identity, altering the individual identity.
  • Loving someone involves alertness to their well-being and the connection with them.
  • People in a we are more worried about dangers to the other when separated.
  • Division of labor can also indicate a joint identity, where one person does something for the we.
  • People in a we often think of what the other would say, conversing with them internally.
  • The we can be pictured as two figures merged, with erased boundaries.
  • Sexual experience mirrors and aids the formation of the we.
  • Intimate bonds change the boundaries of the self; romantic love in one way and friendship in another

Individual vs. the We

  • One can see the we as part of themselves or see themselves as part of the we.
  • Men might see themselves containing the we, while women might see themselves within the we.
  • Each person wants to possess the other completely, yet needs the other to be independent.
  • Complete possession and autonomy are reconciled in a joint, enlarged identity.

Heart of the Relationship

  • The core of love is how lovers view it internally, how they feel about their partner and themselves, and how they treat each other.
  • Lovers delight in each other and in giving delight, often expressing it through playfulness.
  • Adult love provides a sense of being worthy of intense love, something not given in childhood.
  • Being loved makes one happier with themselves.

Being Loved

  • One needs to be loved for who they are, not a whitewashed version, as a partner knows them fully.
  • Being loved "for themselves" is crucial, rather than for peripheral aspects like money.
  • Characteristics may initiate love, but eventually the person is loved for themselves, not the characteristics.
  • Love is like imprinting in ducks: characteristics set it off, but then the person is loved unconditionally.
  • Love can be overcome by negative characteristics or a new "imprinting," but this isn't sought within a we.

Trading Up

  • "Trading up" doesn't fit with love, as love focuses on the particular individual.
  • Economic explanations for not trading up exist: investment of time, uncertainty about a new person, etc.
  • Economic prudence suggests improving the current we rather than seeking a "better" partner.
  • The intention in love is to form a we and identify with it as an extended self.
  • Willingness to trade up would be destroying one's self in the form of their extended self.
  • Infatuation may pave the way to uniting in a we, providing enthusiasm and we-thinking.

Forming a We

  • Forming a we involves repeated expression of desire and tentative avowals of love.
  • Couples may be cautious, needing to recognize each other's legitimacy.
  • Saying "I love you" and attention to the other's response indicate a deep, implicit nesting.
  • The motion of a we is Aristotelian, maintained by frequent impetus and avowals of love.

Rationality of Love

  • Serious ties are possible without a joint identity - friendships
  • Given a willingness to trade up is incompatible with a we, an answer can be given by the long lists of positives that stem from the new we
  • The desire to have love and be part of a we is not the same with wanting to form a we with a particular person
  • One must also consider whether forming a we with a person brings excitement and delight

Desires In Romantic Love

  • A person's desires are to be with the other person, not to be someone who is with that person.
  • People want to make the other person happy.
  • The central concern of lovers is the other person and the relation between them, not their state.
  • The relation between the lovers is the most concerning

Rationality in Choosing a Particular Partner

  • Reasons can influence the choice of a specific partner.
  • Excitement and delight at the idea of forming a we with that person are important.
  • A romantic partner requires their mate to have a very particular constellation of very particular traits

Romance and Identity

  • The feeling that there is "one right person" becomes true after the we is formed.
  • There couldn't be anyone else who was better as a partner in the eyes of a person who romantically loves another
  • As love grows, more and more particular traits are loved.
  • After finding someone, they gain traits unique to them
  • A romantic mate is loved for their own particular way of embodying traits
  • One wants a we with that person, and no other
  • People share identity, and for physical intimacy, desire sexual monogamy with each other

Friendship

  • The salient feature is sharing
  • Unlike romantic love, friendship occurs without sharing any identity
  • Sharing increases individual benefits

Friends In Common

  • Friends don't generally share identity, often the result of crisscrossing friendships
  • There are no specific ulterior motives to sharing activities, outside just sharing the activities themselves
  • There is an increase in solidarity when they share a joint action, working towards an external goal

Alterations In The Self

  • Prize romantic love for being able to form a we
  • An we is not a solely physical entity, but can give the love relationships a physical presence, a home
  • Intimate bounds in a relationship provide a distinct shape to oneself
  • Romantic love is rarely combined with a spiritual quest
  • One justifiably might be proud enough to be supple enough to enter these changes

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Description

Explores the central characteristic of love as incorporating loved ones within one's personal boundaries, where their well-being is intertwined with one's own. Scenarios illustrate how feeling affected by others' experiences indicates love, while self-interest and conditional support reveal its absence. Includes examples of parental pride and shared emotional experiences.

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