Nice Guys and Relationships
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No More Mr. Nice Guy

Why do Nice Guys end up in therapy?

  • Because they are afraid of intimacy
  • Because they are too perfect
  • Because they have a problem in their most intimate relationship (correct)
  • Because they are angry

    • Nice Guys are good at intimacy.

    False

    What is the main reason why Nice Guys struggle to get the love they want?

    <p>Toxic shame, dysfunctional relationships, patterns of enmeshment and avoidance, and childhood survival mechanisms</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is one way Nice Guys recreate familiar childhood relationship patterns?

    <p>By choosing a partner who has similar traits to their parents</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the unconscious need that prevents Nice Guys from getting the love they want?

    <p>The need to remain monogamous to their mothers</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Nice Guys are good at ending relationships.

    <p>False</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the key to successful relationships for recovering Nice Guys?

    <p>Approving of themselves, putting themselves first, and revealing themselves to safe people</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What was George's realization about his attempts to please Susan?

    <p>His attempts to please her weren't working and were causing him to feel resentful.</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What was the result of George setting boundaries with Susan?

    <p>Susan began taking charge of her own life and became less dependent on George</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the Second Date Rule?

    <p>It's a rule to ask oneself if they would have gone on a second date with someone if they had exhibited the same behavior on the first date.</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the Healthy Male Rule?

    <p>Asking oneself how a healthy male would handle a situation</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Reinforcing undesirable behaviors can make them go away.

    <p>False</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of not reinforcing undesirable behaviors?

    <p>The behavior is less likely to occur again.</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What should Nice Guys look for in a new partner?

    <p>Someone who is already taking responsibility for their own life</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is a common issue that Nice Guys face when they are already in a sexual relationship and want to address unacceptable traits or behaviors in their partner?

    <p>It is difficult to address these issues and even tougher to end the relationship.</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the key to recovering Nice Guys having fulfilling, intimate relationships?

    <p>Embracing the challenge</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the underlying reason for Nice Guys' problems with sex?

    <p>Shame and fear</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What do Nice Guys often do to distract themselves from their internal shame and fear?

    <p>Try to be a good lover</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the problem with Nice Guys trying to be great lovers?

    <p>It creates a recipe for boring sex</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What do Nice Guys often use as a distraction from their feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, and boredom?

    <p>Sex</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of Nice Guys repressing their life energy?

    <p>There is little about them to attract or turn on a partner</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is common in Aaron and Hannah's relationship?

    <p>Not having sex for several weeks</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What does Aaron do to arouse Hannah?

    <p>Massages her shoulders and rubs her back</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why does Aaron have a difficult time climaxing?

    <p>Because he is disconnected from his own physical arousal</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What does Aaron do to help himself climax?

    <p>He fantasizes about the young secretary at work</p> Signup and view all the answers

    How does Aaron feel after climaxing?

    <p>Empty and resentful</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the first step in getting good sex?

    <p>Coming out of the closet</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it necessary to release shame and fear?

    <p>To get good sex</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Who can help a Nice Guy release shame and fear?

    <p>Accepting, non-judgmental people</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Can a Nice Guy do the work of releasing shame and fear on his own?

    <p>False</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is necessary to release sexual shame and fear?

    <p>Exposing every aspect of his sexual self to safe, supportive people</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of releasing shame and fear?

    <p>The Nice Guy releases emotional energy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important to talk openly and comfortably about masturbation?

    <p>To release shame and fear</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What happens when a recovering Nice Guy brings his sexual shame out of the closet?

    <p>He feels relief and releases emotional energy</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is the result of Lyle coming out of the closet?

    <p>He began to heal a lifetime of hidden sexual behavior</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Why is it important for recovering Nice Guys to reveal their dark side?

    <p>To release shame and gain important information</p> Signup and view all the answers

    What is necessary for a recovering Nice Guy to get the sex he wants?

    <p>Taking responsibility for his own sexual needs</p> Signup and view all the answers

    Study Notes

    Nice Guys and Intimate Relationships

    • Nice Guys struggle with intimate relationships due to internalized toxic shame and childhood survival mechanisms.
    • They often feel anxious, helpless, and frustrated in their relationships.

    Karl's Story

    • Karl, a successful businessman, felt intimidated by his wife Danita and described her as "angry all the time" and "relentless".
    • He lied to her and avoided interacting with her due to fear of her anger.
    • Karl's behavior was a result of his childhood experiences with his mother, whom he also tried to avoid.

    Nice Guys in Therapy

    • Nice Guys often end up in therapy due to a crisis in their relationship or because of a hidden behavior that has been discovered.
    • They believe there is a simple solution to their problem, such as stopping a certain behavior or changing their partner.

    Intimacy and Nice Guys

    • Intimacy requires vulnerability, which is difficult for Nice Guys due to their internalized toxic shame.
    • Nice Guys fear being found out and seek to hide their perceived flaws.

    Co-creating Dysfunctional Relationships

    • Nice Guys co-create relationships that are dysfunctional and frustrating for all parties involved.
    • They often pick partners who are equally wounded and also struggle with intimacy.
    • This balancing act ensures that their closest relationship is their least intimate.

    Patterns of Enmeshment and Avoidance

    • Enmeshing Nice Guys make their partner their emotional center and sacrifice their own needs and desires.
    • Avoiding Nice Guys are emotionally unavailable to their partner while playing the Nice Guy role outside of the relationship.

    Childhood Relationship Dynamics

    • Nice Guys often recreate childhood relationship patterns in their adult relationships.
    • They may choose partners who have similar traits to their parents or project these traits onto their partner.

    Unconscious Need to Remain Monogamous to Mom

    • Nice Guys tend to maintain a monogamous bond with their mothers, which inhibits intimate relationships with partners.
    • They may use various behaviors to maintain this bond, such as over-involvement with work or hobbies, addictions, or forming relationships with people who need fixing.

    Being Bad Enders

    • Nice Guys have difficulty getting the love they want because they spend too much time trying to make bad relationships work.
    • They may try to end relationships indirectly, blaming their partner or doing it too late.

    Strategies for Building Successful Relationships

    • Approve of themselves and put themselves first.
    • Reveal themselves to safe people.
    • Eliminate covert contracts.
    • Take responsibility for their own needs.
    • Surrender.
    • Dwell in reality.
    • Express their feelings.
    • Develop integrity.
    • Set boundaries.
    • Embrace their masculinity.

    Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome

    • Recovery involves changing one's life and applying strategies for building successful relationships.
    • This can affect current relationships, either growing and evolving them or ending them.

    Setting Boundaries in Relationships

    • Setting healthy boundaries with partners is crucial for Nice Guys to feel safe and experience true intimacy
    • Boundaries help create a situation where both partners can feel vulnerable and intimate

    The Importance of Boundary Setting

    • A partner's initial reaction to boundary setting may be intense, as they test the Nice Guy's resolve
    • However, setting boundaries makes a partner feel secure and loved
    • When a Nice Guy fails to set boundaries, it communicates that he doesn't honor himself, which can lead to a lack of respect

    Decision-Making Tools

    • The Second Date Rule: ask if you would have continued dating if this behavior had occurred on the second date
    • The Healthy Male Rule: ask how a healthy male would handle a situation

    Healthy Relationships

    • Focusing on the relationship rather than the partner helps Nice Guys get the love they want
    • It's essential to identify and challenge unhealthy patterns in relationships

    Self-Reflection

    • Asking questions like "Why did I need to co-create this relationship?" and "How does this relationship let me play familiar roles?" can help Nice Guys understand their motivations and desires

    Non-Reinforcement of Undesirable Behaviors

    • Ignoring undesirable behaviors can help them disappear
    • Not reinforcing these behaviors can lead to a shift in the relationship dynamic

    Doing Something Different

    • Nice Guys should strive to enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather than an unconscious, dysfunctional one
    • Choosing a partner who is already taking responsibility for their life can improve the odds of finding a fulfilling relationship

    Traits to Look for in a Partner

    • Passion, integrity, happiness, intelligence, sexual assertiveness, financial responsibility, and commitment to personal growth

    Sex and Relationships

    • Nice Guys often have problematic relationships with sex due to shame, fear, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms
    • Common issues include not getting enough sex, settling for unsatisfying sex, sexual dysfunction, repression, and compulsive behavior

    Shame and Fear

    • Nice Guys' difficulties with sex are linked to shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings

    • Unconscious shame and fear can be rooted in childhood experiences, societal distortions, and the absence of accurate sexual information.### Sexual Shame and Guilt in Nice Guys

    • Nice Guys carry unconscious baggage that prevents them from having a fulfilling sex life, including: • Centuries of religious influence and associated guilt • Covert sexual bonds created by their mothers • Trauma from sexual violations • Secretive early sexual experiences • Unrealistic and distorted body images from pornography • Shame of hidden, compulsive behaviors • Memories of previous sexual failures or rejections

    Avoidance of Sexual Situations

    • Nice Guys find creative ways to avoid or distract themselves from their sexual shame and fear, including: • Avoiding sexual situations and opportunities • Trying to be a good lover • Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors • Repressing their life energy • Settling for bad sex

    Vagiphobia

    • Vagiphobia: a syndrome where the penis tries to stay out of vaginas or gets out quickly once it is in
    • Example of Alan, who engaged in flirting and sexualized relationships outside of his marriage but avoided consummating them

    Trying to be a Good Lover

    • Nice Guys try to be good lovers to distract themselves from their internalized shame and fear
    • They focus on their partner's arousal and pleasure to convince themselves they are different from other men
    • Terrance, a Nice Guy, worked hard to please his girlfriend but frequently ejaculated prematurely

    Hiding Compulsive Sexual Behaviors

    • Nice Guys believe that sex is a solution to loneliness, boredom, and feelings of worthlessness
    • They use sex as a distraction from their internalized shame and fear
    • Because they believe they are bad for being sexual, they hide their sexual impulses and behaviors

    Repressing Life Energy

    • Nice Guys repress their life energy by trying to be nice and seeking approval
    • This prevents them from experiencing intimate and fulfilling sex with another person
    • Women are often drawn to the pleasing demeanor of Nice Guys but find it difficult to get excited about having sex with them

    Settling for Bad Sex

    • Nice Guys settle for bad sex by focusing on their partner's arousal and pleasure
    • They often pester their partner for sex and may engage in indirect and resentful behavior
    • Aaron, a Nice Guy, would engage in indirect and resentful sexual behavior with his wife, Hannah

    Breaking Free from Sexual Shame

    • Recovering Nice Guys must bring their shame and fear out of the closet and into the open
    • They need accepting, non-judgmental people to release their shame and fear
    • The process of releasing shame and fear frees up emotional energy and allows for a more fulfilling sex life

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    Description

    Explore the struggles of Nice Guys in finding love and intimacy, and how they recreate familiar patterns from their childhood. Learn about the unconscious needs that hold them back.

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