Nice Guys and Relationships

Nice Guys and Intimate Relationships

• Nice Guys struggle with intimate relationships due to internalized toxic shame and childhood survival mechanisms.
• They often feel anxious, helpless, and frustrated in their relationships.

Karl's Story

• Karl, a successful businessman, felt intimidated by his wife Danita and described her as "angry all the time" and "relentless".
• He lied to her and avoided interacting with her due to fear of her anger.
• Karl's behavior was a result of his childhood experiences with his mother, whom he also tried to avoid.

Nice Guys in Therapy

• Nice Guys often end up in therapy due to a crisis in their relationship or because of a hidden behavior that has been discovered.
• They believe there is a simple solution to their problem, such as stopping a certain behavior or changing their partner.

Intimacy and Nice Guys

• Intimacy requires vulnerability, which is difficult for Nice Guys due to their internalized toxic shame.
• Nice Guys fear being found out and seek to hide their perceived flaws.

Co-creating Dysfunctional Relationships

• Nice Guys co-create relationships that are dysfunctional and frustrating for all parties involved.
• They often pick partners who are equally wounded and also struggle with intimacy.
• This balancing act ensures that their closest relationship is their least intimate.

Patterns of Enmeshment and Avoidance

• Enmeshing Nice Guys make their partner their emotional center and sacrifice their own needs and desires.
• Avoiding Nice Guys are emotionally unavailable to their partner while playing the Nice Guy role outside of the relationship.

Childhood Relationship Dynamics

• Nice Guys often recreate childhood relationship patterns in their adult relationships.
• They may choose partners who have similar traits to their parents or project these traits onto their partner.

Unconscious Need to Remain Monogamous to Mom

• Nice Guys tend to maintain a monogamous bond with their mothers, which inhibits intimate relationships with partners.
• They may use various behaviors to maintain this bond, such as over-involvement with work or hobbies, addictions, or forming relationships with people who need fixing.

Being Bad Enders

• Nice Guys have difficulty getting the love they want because they spend too much time trying to make bad relationships work.
• They may try to end relationships indirectly, blaming their partner or doing it too late.

Strategies for Building Successful Relationships

• Approve of themselves and put themselves first.
• Reveal themselves to safe people.
• Eliminate covert contracts.
• Take responsibility for their own needs.
• Surrender.
• Dwell in reality.
• Express their feelings.
• Develop integrity.
• Set boundaries.
• Embrace their masculinity.

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome

• Recovery involves changing one's life and applying strategies for building successful relationships.
• This can affect current relationships, either growing and evolving them or ending them.

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

• Setting healthy boundaries with partners is crucial for Nice Guys to feel safe and experience true intimacy
• Boundaries help create a situation where both partners can feel vulnerable and intimate

The Importance of Boundary Setting

• A partner's initial reaction to boundary setting may be intense, as they test the Nice Guy's resolve
• However, setting boundaries makes a partner feel secure and loved
• When a Nice Guy fails to set boundaries, it communicates that he doesn't honor himself, which can lead to a lack of respect

Decision-Making Tools

• The Second Date Rule: ask if you would have continued dating if this behavior had occurred on the second date
• The Healthy Male Rule: ask how a healthy male would handle a situation

Healthy Relationships

• Focusing on the relationship rather than the partner helps Nice Guys get the love they want
• It's essential to identify and challenge unhealthy patterns in relationships

Self-Reflection

• Asking questions like "Why did I need to co-create this relationship?" and "How does this relationship let me play familiar roles?" can help Nice Guys understand their motivations and desires

Non-Reinforcement of Undesirable Behaviors

• Ignoring undesirable behaviors can help them disappear
• Not reinforcing these behaviors can lead to a shift in the relationship dynamic

Doing Something Different

• Nice Guys should strive to enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather than an unconscious, dysfunctional one
• Choosing a partner who is already taking responsibility for their life can improve the odds of finding a fulfilling relationship

Traits to Look for in a Partner

• Passion, integrity, happiness, intelligence, sexual assertiveness, financial responsibility, and commitment to personal growth

Sex and Relationships

• Nice Guys often have problematic relationships with sex due to shame, fear, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms
• Common issues include not getting enough sex, settling for unsatisfying sex, sexual dysfunction, repression, and compulsive behavior

Shame and Fear

• Nice Guys' difficulties with sex are linked to shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings

• Unconscious shame and fear can be rooted in childhood experiences, societal distortions, and the absence of accurate sexual information.### Sexual Shame and Guilt in Nice Guys

• Nice Guys carry unconscious baggage that prevents them from having a fulfilling sex life, including: • Centuries of religious influence and associated guilt • Covert sexual bonds created by their mothers • Trauma from sexual violations • Secretive early sexual experiences • Unrealistic and distorted body images from pornography • Shame of hidden, compulsive behaviors • Memories of previous sexual failures or rejections

Avoidance of Sexual Situations

• Nice Guys find creative ways to avoid or distract themselves from their sexual shame and fear, including: • Avoiding sexual situations and opportunities • Trying to be a good lover • Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors • Repressing their life energy • Settling for bad sex

Vagiphobia

• Vagiphobia: a syndrome where the penis tries to stay out of vaginas or gets out quickly once it is in
• Example of Alan, who engaged in flirting and sexualized relationships outside of his marriage but avoided consummating them

Trying to be a Good Lover

• Nice Guys try to be good lovers to distract themselves from their internalized shame and fear
• They focus on their partner's arousal and pleasure to convince themselves they are different from other men
• Terrance, a Nice Guy, worked hard to please his girlfriend but frequently ejaculated prematurely

Hiding Compulsive Sexual Behaviors

• Nice Guys believe that sex is a solution to loneliness, boredom, and feelings of worthlessness
• They use sex as a distraction from their internalized shame and fear
• Because they believe they are bad for being sexual, they hide their sexual impulses and behaviors

Repressing Life Energy

• Nice Guys repress their life energy by trying to be nice and seeking approval
• This prevents them from experiencing intimate and fulfilling sex with another person
• Women are often drawn to the pleasing demeanor of Nice Guys but find it difficult to get excited about having sex with them

Settling for Bad Sex

• Nice Guys settle for bad sex by focusing on their partner's arousal and pleasure
• They often pester their partner for sex and may engage in indirect and resentful behavior
• Aaron, a Nice Guy, would engage in indirect and resentful sexual behavior with his wife, Hannah

Breaking Free from Sexual Shame

• Recovering Nice Guys must bring their shame and fear out of the closet and into the open
• They need accepting, non-judgmental people to release their shame and fear
• The process of releasing shame and fear frees up emotional energy and allows for a more fulfilling sex life