The Gifts of Imperfection PDF

Summary of The Gifts of Imperfection Original book by Brené Brown Released in 2010, The Gifts of Imperfection is a New York Times bestseller by researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown. The book explores the theory and practices behind “Wholehearted living”: a concept Brown devised after years o...

Summary of The Gifts of Imperfection Original book by Brené Brown Released in 2010, The Gifts of Imperfection is a New York Times bestseller by researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown. The book explores the theory and practices behind “Wholehearted living”: a concept Brown devised after years of research into shame, vulnerability, and self-worth. According to Brown, living Wholeheartedly will help you to cultivate worthiness: the conviction that you are good enough as you are and that you deserve to be loved. In this guide, we’ll explore how Brown conceives worthiness and shame and how her approach to these topics compares to her contemporaries' work. Furthermore, we’ll discuss Brown’s 10 strategies for living Wholeheartedly and the research that underpins (and occasionally challenges) them. This document is restricted to the personal use of the individual owner of the email account [email protected] (the "Subscriber"). No part of this document may be reproduced or distributed by any means other than for personal use of the Subscriber, nor shared with individuals other than the Subscriber, without prior written permission of Shortform Inc. Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection 1-Page Summary Released in 2010, The Gifts of Imperfection is a New York Times bestseller by researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown. The book explores 10 strategies for “living Wholeheartedly”: a concept Brown devised after years of research into shame, vulnerability, and self-worth. Wholehearted living has many aspects and nuances, but we can succinctly understand it as a way of life that cultivates a feeling of worthiness. Worthiness: A Primer The Gifts of Imperfection begins with a primer on the concept of worthiness, which Brown defines early in the book because it’s foundational to understanding the book’s other key concepts. According to Brown, worthiness is the conviction that you are good enough as you are, flaws and all, and deserve to be loved. In simpler terms, feeling worthiness is having high self-esteem. The Low Self-Esteem Epidemic In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown acknowledges that many of us struggle to see our worthiness. But why do so many of us have low self-esteem? Many writers and researchers have attempted to answer this question. For instance, writer and speaker Rachel Hollis writes in her book Girl, Wash Your Face that low self-worth is often a result of childhood trauma. Psychological research supports this theory. Childhood trauma is widespread—the US government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) reports that, by age 16, almost 70% of young people have experienced some form of trauma. Therefore, it’s not surprising that so many adults have low self-esteem. Cultivating Worthiness So we’ve learned what worthiness is, according to Brown. The next question is, how can we cultivate worthiness? Brown’s research suggests that there are three values that you need to practice to increase your sense of worthiness: 1. Ordinary courage: Being brave enough to be vulnerable and honestly express who you are, how you feel, and what you’ve experienced (for example, having the courage to admit to your boss that you’re struggling with your workload and need help) 2. Compassion: Being kind to yourself and others 3. Connection: In Brown’s view, an intangible energy generated when we form an open, judgment-free, and mutually sustaining bond with another person. (More simply, understand connection as building meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others.) (Shortform note: These three values are the “gifts of imperfection” referred to in the book’s title. They’re “gifts” of imperfection because they come about only when you’re willing to be vulnerable. You develop the courage to accept that you’re imperfect, and you connect with other people because they empathize with your vulnerability. Finally, you become compassionate with other people because you realize nobody’s perfect and forgive their imperfections. In contrast, if we all lived perfect lives free from vulnerability, struggles, and mistakes, we’d never need to put these values into practice—meaning we’d never reap their benefits.) Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 2 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Shame: A Barrier to Worthiness According to Brown, one of the main barriers to developing worthiness is shame. Based on her research, she defines shame as feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved because you’ll never be “good enough.” Brown argues that shame prevents worthiness from developing because it’s completely antithetical to everything worthiness represents. It’s built on foundations of fear, self-hatred, and the sense that you’re not “enough.” Worthiness simply can’t flourish if you think this way. (Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown predominantly highlights the negative effects of shame on self-worth. However, shame can affect us in many other ways than just inhibiting worthiness. For instance, in his book Healing the Shame That Binds You, the late author and speaker John Bradshaw linked shame to the development of mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety. He also argued that shame informs numerous toxic behaviors, including addiction, forming unhealthy relationships, and dishonesty.) Overcoming Shame According to Brown, the best way to overcome shame and remove this obstacle to worthiness is to develop shame resilience. She conceives shame resilience as being able to identify shame as it occurs and move past it in a healthy way that protects your worthiness. Healthy ways to approach shame include confiding in someone trustworthy regarding your feelings of shame and evaluating whether the thing that’s triggered your shame is actually something to be ashamed of. Further Reading: Brené Brown on Shame While Brown mostly ends her discussion of shame and shame resilience in this book here, she discusses shame further in her other works, including: I Thought It Was Just Me, the book in which she outlines her research into shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism Daring Greatly, exploring in detail topics such as the effects of shame on both men and women and how shame inhibits vulnerability Dare to Lead, in which she focuses on shame in the workplace and how leaders can help people who feel ashamed Practices for Wholehearted Living Now that we’ve explored worthiness and the factors that help and hinder its development, we’ll examine Brené Brown’s strategies for living Wholeheartedly: behaviors that Brown believes develop worthiness and allow us to live a Wholehearted life. Brown's strategies aren't always directly related to worthiness or the gifts of imperfection, but her belief in the power of courage, compassion, and connection informs them all. We’ve tried to link the strategies to these “gifts” and worthiness wherever possible. We’ve also reorganized Brown’s strategies and grouped them according to three themes to better show the connections between the ideas. Many strategies arguably have the same ultimate goal, such as increasing your overall happiness or helping you to accept yourself. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 3 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Theme #1: Be Yourself First, let’s examine three strategies for living Wholeheartedly that all involve you being and accepting your true, authentic self: 1) Be Authentic According to Brown, being authentic is a way of thinking and acting: It’s actively deciding to show your true self to the world. This means all of your true self, including the more vulnerable parts—for example, your fears, your imperfections, and your quirks. Brown claims being authentic is important because inauthenticity chips away at your worthiness and may impact your overall mental wellbeing. She argues that being inauthentic can lead to depression, anxiety, and numerous other mental struggles. Furthermore, inauthenticity is a rejection of self-acceptance and self-love. Deciding that your true self needs to remain hidden reinforces the idea that you’re fundamentally not good enough. The Benefits of Authenticity Research supports Brown’s assertion that being inauthentic is harmful to your mental health and worthiness—and, by extension, that being authentic benefits your mental health and worthiness. One study found that living authentically leads to greater general life satisfaction as well as increased wellbeing. Another study linked living authentically to having high self-esteem—or as Brown would call it, worthiness. Authenticity might also bolster your career prospects, especially if you work in sales. In his book Start With Why, Simon Sinek argues that being an authentic and honest salesperson, rather than an off- putting, manipulative one, will help you build long-lasting relationships with customers who trust you. 2) Reject Comparison Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly is refusing to compare yourself to others. Brown argues that when you compare, you abandon attempts to be and accept your true self, as well as efforts to see your worthiness. Instead, you focus on “winning” in comparison to your peers: in other words, comparing favorably to them. Brown believes that you can reduce your temptation to compare by recognizing and celebrating your individuality. Furthermore, she states that you can cultivate your sense of individuality by being creative (for instance, by painting, sewing, or writing). Nobody else has the same creative skillset as you or expresses their creativity in the same way as you. Therefore, your creative talents represent a part of you that’s individual and incomparable. The Benefits of Creativity Creativity isn’t just beneficial to your sense of individuality: Research has shown that being creative can improve your mental and physical health in various other ways, too. For instance, a 2010 review of the existing literature on creativity and health found that being creative has beneficial effects like: Helping people to process trauma Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 4 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Reducing anxiety Enabling people to express difficult thoughts and emotions Reducing stress and compassion fatigue among carers One study even found that being creative can increase the CD4+ lymphocyte count of HIV patients— in effect, strengthening their immune systems. 3) Use Intuition According to Brown, to live Wholeheartedly, you must accept and trust your intuition: the powerful “gut feeling” that you—usually unconsciously and automatically—develop about situations. (Shortform note: Brown’s definition of intuition mirrors Malcolm Gladwell’s concept of unconscious thinking, as expressed in Blink. Both authors view this type of thinking as a powerful process that helps us make good decisions quickly, without realizing we’re doing it.) Brown argues that many of us ignore intuition because we don’t trust it: We don’t feel certain that our gut feeling is right. Instinctively, humans hate uncertainty—and that hatred makes us reject the “uncertain” gut feeling. To overcome this fear of uncertainty (and, consequently, become comfortable with following our intuition), Brown suggests embracing faith: the belief that things will work out, even if you can’t be certain that they will. (Shortform note: Brown doesn’t explore in detail the link between embracing faith and embracing intuition. However, having faith may help you to use intuition because you become willing to act on your gut feeling, despite the risk that it’s wrong, because you have faith that it might be right.) Theme #2: Develop Inner Strength Brown’s next three strategies for living Wholeheartedly all involve developing inner strength: the fortitude necessary to fight unhealthy emotional processes and adopt healthy ones instead. 4) Combat Perfectionism Brown’s first strategy for developing inner strength is combating perfectionism. Brown argues that perfectionism is harmful because it’s founded on completely unrealistic expectations: You’re never going to be perfect (or even appear to be perfect). However, according to Brown, the perfectionist mindset won’t concede that it sets unrealistic standards. Instead, it tells you that you don’t appear perfect because you aren’t good enough, causing you to blame, shame, and judge yourself. (Shortform note: As well as causing you to shame, blame, and judge yourself, perfectionism can have various other negative effects. Research has linked it to increased vulnerability to depression and eating disorders, as well as increased suicide risk.) So, how can we fight perfectionism? According to Brown, showing yourself compassion can help you to embrace your imperfections, rather than punish yourself for them or hide them. One way to show self-compassion is to engage in positive self-talk—talk that’s encouraging and kind about yourself and your flaws, rather than critical and judgmental. (Shortform note: Engaging in compassionate self-talk can do more than just help you fight perfectionism. According to Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves in their book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, positive self-talk can also help you to overcome challenging times and keep your mood positive day-to-day.) Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 5 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection 5) Build Resilience Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly is building resilience. While Brown presents various strategies for doing this, she argues that the most important one is embracing spirituality. She defines spirituality as recognizing the existence of a higher power that connects us all. (The “higher power” in this equation could be a religious power, such as a god, but it doesn’t have to be.) According to Brown, the feeling of connection to others and a higher power that spirituality brings makes overcoming tough times feel easier: Being resilient is less challenging if you feel you’re not alone. (Shortform note: Embracing spirituality or religion may have more benefits to mental health than just increasing resilience: Research links spirituality to decreased levels of depression and anxiety. However, the picture isn’t clear-cut: Some forms of spirituality, such as strict religious observance, may trigger or worsen mental health issues.) 6) Practice Stillness and Calm Brown’s final strategy for developing inner strength and living Wholeheartedly is fighting anxiety by practicing stillness and calm. According to Brown, practicing stillness means taking the time to be still and quiet. This might take the form of praying, meditating, or quietly reflecting. (Shortform note: Research confirms that various types of stillness—such as meditation, prayer, and mindfulness—can reduce symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression.) Meanwhile, in Brown’s view, calmness involves stopping yourself from acting on strong, reactionary negative emotions such as anger or fear: for instance, stopping yourself from reacting to bad news by lashing out at the messenger. To stop yourself from being harmfully reactionary, Brown suggests taking a moment to breathe before you react to things. This gives you the time to think before you act and analyze whether acting on your emotions is the right approach. Other Ways to Keep Calm Pausing before you react isn’t the only way to promote calmness. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, recommends challenging your anxious thoughts to promote calmness. For instance, if anxiety makes you think, “this situation is a disaster,” you might challenge the thought by asking, “is this situation really that bad? Will I even remember it in a week, a month, or a year?” Approaching a loved one and asking for a hug may also help you to keep calm. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk argues that physical touch such as hugging has a soothing effect, helping even victims of trauma to feel protected and calm. Theme #3: Foster Happiness and Joy Brown’s final four strategies for Wholehearted living all promote happiness or joy. (Note that Brown conceives happiness and joy as two distinct emotions, as we’ll discuss when we explore practicing gratitude.) 7) Find Meaningful Work That Uses Your Gifts and Talents One strategy for finding happiness and living Wholeheartedly is finding meaningful work that enables you to use your gifts and talents. This might be paid work: However, it doesn’t have to be. Meaningful work can be anything from parenting, to volunteering, to engaging in a hobby. According to Brown, failing to find meaningful work that uses your gifts and talents can trigger Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 6 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection numerous negative emotions, like shame and anger. In contrast, finding meaningful work can provide such benefits as increased happiness and an increased sense of purpose. Meaningful Work and Worthiness In this section, Brown doesn’t explicitly address how finding meaningful work that uses your gifts and talents (or not doing so) can impact your worthiness. However, she implies that not finding meaningful work affects your worthiness negatively. By not incorporating your talents into your daily life through such work, you may believe that you’re not contributing your full potential to the world, making you feel a sense of worthlessness. Conversely, each time you engage in meaningful work, you’ll be reminded that you’re good at something: the gift or talent that this work uses. This will increase your sense of worthiness. 8) Embrace Rest and Play Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly and finding happiness in the process is embracing rest and play. By “play,” Brown means doing things that you enjoy that have no real purpose. By “rest,” she means getting enough sleep to feel refreshed. She argues that rest is important because sleep deprivation can have serious health effects such as depression, diabetes, and heart disease. (Shortform note: Other negative effects of sleep deprivation, as outlined by Matthew Walker in Why We Sleep, include inhibited emotional control, reduced fertility in both men and women, a weakened immune system, and, in teenagers, increased suicidal ideation.) Brown notes that many of us eschew play and rest because they’re not productive activities—and society teaches us that we need to be productive at all times. However, she argues that you’re more likely to be productive, focus, and produce high-quality work if you’re feeling happy and refreshed thanks to rest and play. (Shortform note: Research backs up Brown’s assertion that getting enough rest and play will aid your productivity, not harm it. Various brain functions, such as decision-making, focus, and problem-solving, are enhanced when you get lots of sleep—and these are all processes that will help you to perform at your best in the workplace. Likewise, studies have suggested that play enhances workplace productivity by encouraging creativity and innovative thinking.) 9) Practice Gratitude and Feel Joy According to Brown, practicing gratitude involves frequently making time to recognize all of the things you’re grateful for. For instance, you could keep a gratitude journal or do a regular gratitude meditation. According to Brown, being grateful is beneficial because it breeds joy: a deep contentment with life that’s specifically brought on by practicing gratitude. (This makes joy distinct from happiness, which is brought on by specific and short-term circumstances—for example, getting a good appraisal at work.) (Shortform note: Brown seems to be unique in defining joy as a positive emotion specifically linked to practicing gratitude. In fact, the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of joy seems to fit closer with Brown’s definition of happiness. It describes joy as a positive feeling sparked by things like being fortunate or finding success: short-term circumstances that Brown links to happiness, not joy.) The Other Benefits of Gratitude Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 7 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Feeling joyful may not be the only benefit of practicing gratitude. Research suggests that gratitude has a wide range of benefits to mental and physical health. One study found that practicing gratitude improved participants’ overall mood and the quality of their sleep. Another study noted that practicing gratitude reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression, possibly because it encourages a mindset of self-compassion rather than self-criticism: Presumably, practicing gratitude includes being grateful for yourself, too. 10) Laugh, Sing, and Dance Brown’s final strategy for living Wholeheartedly and finding happiness is making the time to laugh, sing, and dance. According to Brown, these practices are beneficial because the sense of emotional connection they provide can help you to manage difficult feelings. For example, finding a song that matches your sad mood and singing or dancing along will remind you that you’re not the only person to have struggled. This sense of connection may give you the strength you need to work through your sadness. Furthermore, Brown notes that laughing, singing, and dancing with another person creates a shared emotional experience that strengthens your connection. (Shortform note: The acts of laughing, singing, and dancing also have many benefits to mental and physical health. For instance, research has demonstrated that laughing reduces the number of stress hormones in our blood while also producing endorphins, which can boost mood and help us to fight depression. Meanwhile, singing has physical health benefits such as improving posture, increasing breathing capacity, and having increased control over breathing. Finally, dancing can improve everything from your bone strength, to the health of your lungs, to your balance.) Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 8 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Shortform Introduction Released in 2010, The Gifts of Imperfection is a New York Times bestseller by researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown. It’s one of many works by Brown on the themes of overcoming shame, embracing vulnerability, and learning to accept ourselves—flaws and all. The “gifts” of imperfection referred to in the book’s title are courage, connection, and compassion. These are “gifts” of imperfection because they come about only when you’re willing to be vulnerable—you develop the courage to accept that you’re imperfect, you connect with other people because they empathize with your vulnerability, and you become compassionate with other people because you realize nobody’s perfect and forgive their imperfections. In contrast, if we all lived perfect lives free from vulnerability, struggles, and mistakes, we’d never need to put these values into practice—meaning we’d never reap their benefits. About the Author Brené Brown is a writer, speaker, and researcher who currently holds positions at the University of Houston and the University of Texas. The main focuses of her work are: Shame, and overcoming it The concept of “worthiness” (in simple terms, feelings of self-worth) The importance of being vulnerable Bravery, and its links to authenticity and vulnerability How to apply the principles of vulnerability and bravery to leadership Brown has a slew of famous fans, from Prince Harry of the United Kingdom to Melinda Gates. She gained prominence as a shame researcher and storyteller in 2010 after giving a viral TEDxHouston talk on shame, vulnerability, and self-worth. Since 2010, Brown’s career has gone from strength to strength. She’s released four more New York Times bestsellers, including Daring Greatly, another book about vulnerability that raised her profile even further. It even attracted the attention of Oprah Winfrey, who’s subsequently featured Brown on her Super Soul Sunday program multiple times. Brown’s other books include: Rising Strong Braving the Wilderness Dare to Lead Brown has also produced audio works such as The Power of Vulnerability, a lecture series based on her work on shame and vulnerability. Connect with Brené Brown: Website Facebook Twitter Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 9 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Instagram LinkedIn The Book’s Publication Publisher: Hazelden Publishing, partnered with Simon & Schuster Published in the summer of 2010, The Gifts of Imperfection closely followed Brené Brown’s lauded June 2010 TEDxHouston talk. The book discusses similar topics to that talk: cultivating self-worth, combating shame, and living an authentic, “Wholehearted” life. The Gifts of Imperfection wasn’t Brown’s first book: She’d previously published works on her research into shame and vulnerability. However, it became her most popular book to date. In late 2020, Brown released a 10th-anniversary edition of The Gifts of Imperfection, with a new foreword. (Note that this guide discusses the original edition of the book, not the 10th-anniversary re-release.) The Book’s Strengths and Weaknesses Critical Reception Upon its publication, The Gifts of Imperfection topped the New York Times bestseller list and enjoyed sales in the millions. The book’s success may have been down to a shift in Brown’s method of expression: Starting with The Gifts of Imperfection, her work began to blend data and research with storytelling. Specifically, Brown started to relate her own anecdotal experiences of the concepts she discussed, becoming more candid about her own struggles with shame and low self-worth. This proved to be a combination that resonated with many readers. In the years since The Gifts of Imperfection’s release, many readers have lauded the book as life- changing and affirming, highlighting its simple principles for living a more fulfilling life. Furthermore, the book has been regularly praised in media outlets: Forbes described it as one the best books of the 2010s in its genre. Likewise, nearly a decade after the book’s publication, the Evening Standard recommended it to readers as a seminal work on improving your mental health. The book is not without critics. Some online reviewers have bristled at what they see as Brown’s outsized focus on herself in The Gifts of Imperfection, and some believe that the book doesn’t contain enough practical advice for living Wholeheartedly and that its principles ring hollow as a consequence. Furthermore, some readers find that Brown covers the topics of shame and vulnerability much more exhaustively and effectively in her subsequent book Daring Greatly. Commentary on the Book’s Organization The Gifts of Imperfection begins with a primer on the concepts of worthiness, Wholehearted living (which can mean, simply, “living with a strong sense of self-worth”), and shame. Brown introduces these concepts early because she refers to them throughout the book: Therefore, a reader’s understanding of the book is much enhanced if she understands Brown’s definitions of these concepts early on. Brown discusses these concepts through the introduction and first three chapters of the book. She sometimes jumps back and forth between discussing different concepts: For instance, she returns to defining worthiness in a chapter on shame. At times, this disjointedness can make the logic of these chapters difficult to follow. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 10 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection After the primer, Brown introduces various strategies for living Wholeheartedly, dedicating a chapter to each strategy. Keeping a “one chapter per strategy” organization means the information on each strategy is self-contained. In some ways, this structure is effective—it means that if a reader wants to apply only three of the ten strategies, they can simply read three chapters of the book without missing any crucial information about these strategies. However, a weakness of this siloed structure is that it obscures the fact that many of the strategies are thematically similar and would work well applied in tandem. For instance, the strategies of rejecting comparison and being authentic are both rooted in helping the reader to love and accept themselves: a connection the reader may not make if they read about each strategy in isolation. Commentary on the Book’s Approach Brown’s approach to developing ideas in this book, as with her later books, is organic—she weaves together anecdotes, ideas on feeling worthy, and suggested actions without following a clear regimented structure. While this provides an engaging read, for readers who prefer logically straightforward books, it can be difficult to pull out the main ideas and relate them logically to each other. Furthermore, as critics have noted, Brown’s strategies for living Wholeheartedly are sometimes overly theoretical and light on practical advice. For instance, they might state that you need to do something— like free yourself from societal expectations of how you should behave—but not give advice on how you might do it. Again, while these strategies are insightful and engaging to read about, their lack of detail may be frustrating for readers looking for step-by-step guidance on how to live Wholeheartedly. Our Approach in This Guide Structurally, this guide is split into two parts. The first part discusses the theory behind the concepts of worthiness and shame, as discussed in the introduction and first three chapters of the book. We’ve reorganized and synthesized this information into two chapters to add clarity and eliminate the jumping between topics sometimes present in the book. You’ll find information about Brown’s strategies for living Wholeheartedly in Part 2 of this guide. We’ve reorganized and grouped the strategies by theme to better show the connections between the ideas: As noted, many strategies have the same ultimate goal, such as increasing your overall happiness or helping you to accept yourself. Brown's strategies aren't always directly related to worthiness or the gifts of imperfection, but her belief in the power of courage, compassion, and connection informs them all. Likewise, as previously noted, the strategies are sometimes more theoretical than practical. Wherever possible, we’ve added examples of practical steps you might take to implement the strategies, and we’ve linked them more explicitly to courage, connection, compassion, and Wholehearted living. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 11 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Part 1: The Theory of Worthiness | Chapters 1-2: Defining Worthiness In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown explores “Wholehearted living”: a concept she devised after years of research into shame, vulnerability, and self-worth. Wholehearted living has many aspects and nuances, but we can succinctly understand it as a way of life that cultivates a feeling of worthiness. In this first part of the guide, we’ll explore the theory behind worthiness, including the factors that promote and undermine it. In this chapter, we’ll define worthiness more concretely, covering the key principles that underpin it and how you can cultivate it. Defining Worthiness According to Brown, worthiness is the conviction that you are good enough as you are, flaws and all, and that you deserve to be loved. In simpler terms, we might conceive it as having high self-esteem. Brown develops the idea of worthiness organically through anecdotes, advice on how to feel worthy, and descriptions of love and belonging, and it can be hard to pull out the main ideas about worthiness. We’ve synthesized the four key principles that seem to underpin her idea of worthiness: Principle #1: Accept yourself unconditionally. Don’t set prerequisites for being worthy—for example, “I’ll be good enough once I’ve paid off all my debts” or “I’ll be good enough once I’ve got a college degree.” You don’t need to meet these arbitrary requirements to be worthy because you’re enough as you are, today. Principle #2: Abandon the idea that to be “enough,” you need to fit societal standards or other people’s expectations. You’re worthy as you are, no matter how well you “fit in” or what anyone else thinks. Principle #3: Reject the notion that you need to earn self-worth by proving yourself or pleasing others. Your worthiness isn’t rooted in your actions—for example, succeeding at work or making lots of friends. Who you are, not what you do, is at the center of your worth. Principle #4: Believe that you deserve love and belonging. During her research, Brown found that it’s impossible to fully experience love or belonging until you’ve cultivated worthiness. People with a lack of self- worth often believe that they don’t deserve to belong or receive love, and when we feel we don’t deserve something, we reject it. The Low Self-Esteem Epidemic In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown acknowledges that many of us struggle to see our worthiness. But why do so many of us have low self-esteem? Many writers and researchers have attempted to answer this question. For instance, in his seminal work 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson approaches low self-esteem from an ethical angle. He argues that since humanity has repeatedly revealed its propensity for evil—for instance, through atrocities such as the Holocaust—it’s become much easier for us to hate both humanity as a whole and ourselves (presumably for being part of the fundamentally “evil” human race). Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 12 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Meanwhile, writer and speaker Rachel Hollis writes in her book Girl, Wash Your Face that low self- worth is often a result of childhood trauma. Psychological research supports this theory. Childhood trauma is widespread—the US government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) reports that, by age 16, almost 70% of young people have experienced some form of trauma. Therefore, it’s no wonder that so many adults have low self-esteem. The good news is that, whatever its cause, low self-esteem—or, as Brown may frame it, a lack of worthiness—can be improved, as she discusses next. Cultivating Worthiness So, we’ve learned what worthiness is, according to Brown. The next question is, how can we cultivate worthiness? Brown’s research suggests that there are three values that you need to practice to increase your sense of worthiness: courage, compassion, and connection. Courage By courage, Brown doesn’t mean the kind of courage you use during an act of heroism, such as the courage you show when you run into a burning building to save a child. Instead, she means ordinary courage— being brave enough to be vulnerable and honestly express who you are, how you feel, and what you’ve experienced. For example, it’s having the courage to admit to your boss that you’re struggling with your workload and need help. Ordinary Courage in Women and Girls In the footnotes of The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown states that she first encountered the term “ordinary courage” in the work of clinical psychology professor Annie Rogers. Where Brown talks about people in general needing to have ordinary courage, Rogers’s work specifically discussed ordinary courage in women and girls. In a research paper, Rogers noted that young girls often possess and use great ordinary courage, frequently speaking their minds and sharing their vulnerabilities. However, beginning in early adolescence, women stop using ordinary courage, becoming reticent to share the full truth of what they’re thinking and feeling. According to Rogers, this reduction in ordinary courage coincides with a loss of female confidence and resilience. Furthermore, the reduction in courage is probably the result of cultural norms that discourage women from speaking their minds. So, how can we encourage girls to continue to use ordinary courage, even as they enter adolescence? Rogers found that in her experience, role modeling—being courageous and vulnerable herself— encouraged girls to open up and be courageous in turn. Furthermore, research suggests that participation in adventure-based programs—outdoor retreats that often involve completing challenging physical and mental tasks in a group-based setting—can encourage courage in adolescent girls. Compassion Brown calls practicing compassion an exercise in bravery, vulnerability, and acceptance. Put more simply, see compassion as being kind to yourself and others. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 13 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection As well as explaining what compassion is, Brown clearly defines what it isn’t. It’s not condemning the person (or thing) that caused your, or another person’s, pain. Likewise, it’s not trying to erase the pain by seeking a resolution to that cause. Instead, it’s merely allowing yourself, or another person, to feel their feelings and express their pain. It’s about empathizing with the person who needs compassion (whether that’s you or someone else), not trying to “fix” them or their issues. For example: If a friend confesses that her manager is belittling her at work, don’t jump to finding a fix for the issue, like suggesting she speak to human resources. Likewise, don’t rush to blame your friend or her manager for causing the issue. Instead, listen deeply to how your friend is feeling. Express empathy based on similar experiences you’ve had. Empathy and Nonviolent Communication Brown’s ideas on true compassion involving empathetic listening are backed up by Marshall Rosenberg in his work Nonviolent Communication. Rosenberg argues that many of us fall into one of the traps Brown described: trying to analyze and solve people’s pain, rather than just listening to and empathizing with it. In Rosenberg’s view, we commonly make this mistake because empathizing with others is hard and can be emotionally draining. So, we take the easier option of entering “fix-it” mode. However, to help others and maintain strong relationships, we must learn to simply listen to people, as difficult as that may be at first. Connection Brown presents a definition of connection that’s personal rather than objective. To her, it’s an intangible energy generated when we form an open, judgment-free, and mutually sustaining bond with another person. More simply, understand connection as building meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others. Citing the work of psychologist Daniel Goleman—specifically, his book Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships—Brown asserts that, at the most fundamental, biological level, humans need to develop strong relationships with others. She suggests that we can strengthen our connections by reaching out to other people regularly. We should also work to connect with them on more than a superficial level: We should share our honest thoughts and feelings with others and encourage them to do the same. Connection and Social Media You might think that social media sites are great places to connect with other people. However, according to Brown, while these platforms provide a convenient way of contacting people, they’re not the place to form real and deep connections. Various other writers and researchers back this view. For instance, in his book Lost Connections— about the social and societal factors that can contribute to depression—journalist Johann Hari also asserts that social media communication doesn’t provide the same benefits as in-person connection. Furthermore, Cal Newport argues in his book Digital Minimalism that replacing in-person communication with digital communication can actually erode our social skills. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 14 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection How to See Our Own Worthiness Brown seems to be unique in explicitly connecting the cultivation of worthiness to practicing courage, compassion, and connection. Other writers have differing ideas on how we can learn to see our own worth: In 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson claims that the solution to low self-worth is to remember that you have a unique mission to pursue and to recognize that you’re just as worthy of care and help as anyone else. In The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt ties feeling self-worth to having a purpose and feeling like you’re part of a greater mission. In Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins argues that feeling in control of your life is essential to cultivating high self-esteem. If this diversity of opinion shows anything, it’s that self-worth is complex, with many factors feeding into or inhibiting it. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 15 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Chapter 3: Combating Shame to Fuel Worthiness We’ve explored the factors that help to cultivate worthiness. Now, we’ll consider the main barrier to developing self-worth: shame. Shame is the focus of much of Brené Brown’s work, from her research, to her books, to her speeches. Based on her research, Brown defines shame as feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved because you’ll never be “good enough.” Brown reminds us that everyone experiences shame at some point; it’s an innate part of being human. What Is Shame? Brown’s definition of shame is intrinsically linked to the idea of worthiness. She presents shame predominantly as a “foil” to worthiness—the thing that stops worthiness from developing—as we’ll explore in the next section. Generally, psychologists have accepted and supported Brown’s ideas on shame. Her seminal paper on shame has been cited more than 150 times, predominantly to agree with and build on her ideas. Furthermore, other authors have put forward definitions of shame that, similar to Brown’s, center on self-worth. For instance, in Get Out of Your Head, Jennie Allen asserts that shame is rooted in the fear that other people will reject your true self. This fear is intrinsically linked to the idea that your “true self” isn’t good enough for those people. However, some commentators have developed different definitions of shame from Brown’s. For example, Joseph Burgo, a practicing psychotherapist and author, argues that there are four different types of shame: shame due to failure, exclusion, unrequited love, and humiliation. Likewise, in So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, author Jon Ronson cites psychologists who describe shame more as a numb absence of feeling, rather than a feeling as Brown suggests. Clearly, when it comes to defining shame, there isn’t a consensus view. Shame and Worthiness So exactly how is shame a barrier to worthiness? According to Brown, shame prevents worthiness from developing because it’s completely antithetical to everything worthiness represents. It’s built on foundations of fear, self-hatred, and the sense that you’re not “enough.” Worthiness simply can’t flourish if you think this way. Brown also posits that shame encourages you to reject and hide parts of yourself that you think others will judge or dislike—for example, your flaws and your failures. Ultimately, worthiness can’t grow if you feel ashamed of who you are. The Other Effects of Shame In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown predominantly highlights the negative effects of shame on self- worth. It’s worth noting that shame can affect us in many other ways than just inhibiting worthiness: In his book Healing the Shame That Binds You, the late author and speaker John Bradshaw Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 16 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection linked shame to the development of mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety. He also argued that shame informs numerous toxic behaviors, including addiction, forming unhealthy relationships, and dishonesty. In Get Out of Your Head, Jennie Allen argues that shame causes us to self-sabotage relationships, push people away, and refuse help when we’re struggling. This makes us isolated and lonely, which fuels low-self worth. In Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach notes that feeling ashamed of a specific instance of bad behavior can prevent us from forgiving ourselves for the mistake and moving on. How to Overcome Shame Now that we know how harmful shame is, what can we do to try to overcome it? Brown argues that the best way to overcome shame is to develop shame resilience. She conceives shame resilience as being able to identify shame as it occurs and move past it in a healthy way that protects your worthiness. But how can we develop shame resilience? Brown is clear about the theory behind shame resilience and its ideal attributes, but she doesn’t give concrete actionables on how to develop it yourself. To put theory into practice, we’ve taken the book’s discussions of shame and inferred four steps you can take to grow your shame resilience: Step 1: Learn how shame manifests for you so that you can identify and address it. You may experience certain physical sensations when you feel shame, such as a dry mouth or a pounding heart. Or, shame may make you fall into certain thought patterns—for example, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m a bad person.” Step 2: Identify and evaluate the root cause of your shame. Shame often comes from not meeting certain expectations. For instance, body shame may be triggered by non-conformity to societal beauty standards. To build shame resilience, consider whether these expectations are really valid or whether they’re unhealthy and unrealistic. Is not meeting these expectations really something to be ashamed of? Step 3: Talk to someone trustworthy about your feelings of shame. If you refuse to talk about your shame, it will fester and consume you. However, its influence over you will diminish if you get the shame out of your mind and into the world, where you and others can address it. Step 4: Avoid unhealthy reactions to shame. Research has shown that we frequently deal with shame in various unhealthy ways, such as distancing ourselves from others, working too hard to please others, and shaming others. None of these approaches to shame will help you to cultivate worthiness. Why Are These Unhealthy Reactions to Shame So Damaging to Worthiness? Brown doesn’t go into detail about why these unhealthy reactions to shame damage our worthiness, but it’s worth noting that they each go against the three key worthiness values of courage, compassion, and connection: Distancing yourself harms your connections with others and goes against the idea of using ordinary courage to express your true feelings. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 17 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Shaming people isn’t compassionate and will harm your connections with others. People-pleasing creates an uneven connection based on too much giving and not enough receiving. Further Reading: Brené Brown on Shame While Brown mostly ends her discussion of shame and shame resilience in this book here, she discusses shame further in her other works, including: I Thought It Was Just Me, the book in which she outlines her research into shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism Daring Greatly, exploring in detail topics such as the effects of shame on both men and women and how shame inhibits vulnerability Dare to Lead, in which she focuses on shame in the workplace and how leaders can help people who feel ashamed Exercise: Build Shame Resilience Learn how to combat shame by building shame resilience. Describe the last time you felt shamed. What did your shame relate to? (For instance, it could be connected to your job, your appearance, your relationships, or something else entirely.) What triggered this shame? What were the symptoms of your shame? Consider any physical reactions you had to the shame (for example, sweaty palms or a pounding heart), as well as any thought patterns that it triggered (for example, “I’m not good enough”). What do you think the root cause of your shame was? For instance, did it come from societal expectations, the opinions of a loved one, or your own perfectionism? Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 18 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection One of the most powerful ways to combat shame is to talk about it. Is there someone you trust who you could talk to about your shame, and who could offer you support? What would you say to them? Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 19 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Part 2: Strategies for Living Wholeheartedly | Chapters 4, 8-9: Be Yourself In Part 1, we explored worthiness and the factors that help and hinder its development. Now, in Part 2, we’ll explore Brené Brown’s strategies for living Wholeheartedly. These are the behaviors that Brown believes develop worthiness and allow us to live a Wholehearted life. We’ve reorganized these strategies and grouped them according to three themes: Being yourself Developing inner strength Fostering happiness We’ve also tried to link each strategy explicitly to worthiness, courage, connection, and/or compassion. In this chapter, we’ll examine three Wholehearted living strategies that encourage you to accept and be your true self: Be authentic. Reject comparison. Use your intuition. Be Authentic Brown’s first strategy for living Wholeheartedly by being yourself is being authentic. But what does it mean to be authentic? According to Brown, authenticity is a way of thinking and acting: It’s actively making the decision to show your true self to the world. This means all of your true self, including the more vulnerable parts—for example, your fears, your imperfections, and your quirks. Accepting All of Your Authentic Self Note that to follow Brown’s advice and show even your most vulnerable parts to the world, you’ll need to learn to accept those vulnerabilities. If you see your fears, flaws, and quirks as things to be ashamed of, you’re going to try to hide these parts of yourself. This is incompatible with authenticity. The idea of accepting your flaws and vulnerabilities may feel alien. As Tara Brach notes in her book Radical Acceptance, Western society teaches us that to be worthy of love and praise, we need to “fix” our flaws and vulnerable parts—not accept and show them. However, learning to accept your vulnerabilities is important because it increases your feeling of worthiness. You’ll stop seeing your flaws as evidence you’re “not good enough,” and you’ll instead be able to fully embrace your true self. One possible path to accepting your flaws and vulnerabilities is to recognize them as important and inevitable parts of existence. As Brach notes, we’re all imperfect. Having flaws and vulnerabilities doesn’t mean that there’s something “wrong” with you—just that you’re human, like everyone else. Why waste your energy trying to hide key elements of your humanity that are Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 20 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection ultimately nothing to be ashamed of? We’ll discuss the idea of accepting your imperfections further in the next chapter, when we explore perfectionism and the harm it can do to Wholehearted Living. Barriers to Living Authentically Brown acknowledges that being authentic takes a lot of courage. Letting the world see who you truly are can be a scary process, not least because, as Brown explains, the process often throws up two major barriers: Barrier #1: The fear of resistance from your loved ones. Choosing to live authentically requires you to change your behavior: specifically, to stop hiding parts of yourself and curb any inauthentic behaviors. Brown explains that you may fear that your loved ones won’t accept this new, authentic you, and that this will damage your connections with them. She also highlights that unfortunately, this may happen: Some people do react badly to change, even if this change is a necessary part of a loved one living healthily and authentically. Authenticity Benefits Relationships If your loved ones were to react to your newfound authenticity in a negative way, you could respond by reassuring them that your move to authenticity isn’t something to fear: It’ll benefit them, as well as you. For example, as Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus argue in their book Minimalism, when a loved one is authentic, we feel more safe and secure in our relationship with them because we know we’re seeing—and love—their true self, not a false front. Your loved ones could experience this added security, were they to overcome their fear of change. Barrier #2: The fear of challenging societal expectations. Brown notes that society demands we conform to certain norms—that we look, act, and think in a certain way. If your true, authentic self doesn’t match up to society’s expectations, you may be afraid to be yourself. What if people reject, criticize, or shame you for failing to conform? The fear of this happening isn’t totally unfounded: Brown points out that societal expectations are so deeply ingrained in our culture that people do often ridicule or shame those who fail to meet them. Pushing Back Against Societal Pressure The pull to conform to social norms can be strong. As Brown notes, we often fear the pushback and rejection that can result from breaking convention. However, this is a fear we must overcome if we want to live as our true, authentic selves. So, how can we resist the pressure to fit societal expectations? Many authors have attempted to answer this question. For instance, in his book Influence, Robert B. Cialdini suggests that you can fight the instinct to conform by critically analyzing the behavior that society is trying to push you to adopt. Ask yourself, will this behavior benefit me in any way other than helping me to conform? If you find that it won’t, you may feel more comfortable rejecting the behavior and acting in the way you want to instead. (Brown also highlights the importance of critically analyzing societal messages when Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 21 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection discussing building resilience, a topic we’ll explore in the next chapter.) Furthermore, in Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi suggests that parents can specifically encourage teens not to conform to societal and peer pressure by showing unconditional acceptance to their children: non-conformist traits and all. If teens receive this approval from their parents, they’ll be less likely to seek it from their peers and thus less likely to conform to peer pressure. Presumably, if we raise self- accepting, authentic teens, they’ll grow into self-accepting, authentic adults. Overcoming These Barriers Brown suggests that to overcome these fears of rejection and pushback, first, acknowledge that embracing authenticity isn’t always the safe option when it comes to pleasing others. However, also accept that the negative consequences of living inauthentically are much more severe than the criticism you may face for being authentic. According to Brown, inauthenticity chips away at your worthiness and may impact your overall mental wellbeing: She argues that it can lead to depression, anxiety, and numerous other mental struggles. Furthermore, inauthenticity is a rejection of self-acceptance and self-love. Deciding that your true self needs to remain hidden reinforces the idea that you’re fundamentally not good enough. The Benefits of Authenticity Research supports Brown’s assertion that being inauthentic is harmful to your mental health and worthiness—and, by extension, that being authentic benefits your mental health and worthiness. One study found that living authentically leads to greater general life satisfaction as well as increased wellbeing. Another linked living authentically to having high self-esteem—or as Brown would call it, worthiness. Authenticity might also bolster your career prospects. Some authors argue that if you work in business or sales, being authentic may be the difference between success and failure. For instance, in his book Start With Why, Simon Sinek argues that being an authentic and honest salesperson, rather than an off-putting, manipulative one, will help you to build long-lasting relationships with customers and become more trustworthy. Reject Comparison We all tend to compare ourselves to others. However, Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly (and being yourself in the process) involves rejecting the temptation to do this due to the emotional damage that comparison can do. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, we should be happy to be who we are. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown presents the chapter on comparison as an exploration specifically of how we can use creativity to stave off unhealthy self-comparison to others. Before we address this point about creativity, let’s learn about why we should be avoiding comparison in the first place: in other words, why it’s so damaging. The Problem With Comparison Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 22 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection According to Brown, comparison’s damage lies in the fact that it involves both competition and conformity. She acknowledges that at first, this might seem counterintuitive. How can we both compete with others and strive to conform at the same time? To address this question, Brown argues that competition and conformity feed into each other when you want to be the “best” in your particular social or societal group—when you want to conform to that group’s standards and do so “better” than everyone else. You abandon attempts to be and accept your true self, as well as efforts to see your own worthiness. Instead, you focus on “winning” in comparison to your peers. (Shortform note: Comparison is also arguably at odds with two of Brown’s “gifts of imperfection.” Comparison can harm your connections with others: If you compare yourself to someone and decide that you’re “worse” than they are, you might become jealous or envious. These negative feelings will erode your bond. Likewise, comparing yourself to someone else and deciding that you’re “better” than they are (and, by extension, they’re “lesser”) isn’t a good foundation for a strong, equal connection—and it isn’t particularly compassionate, either.) Is Comparison Always a Bad Thing? In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown frames comparison as a strictly negative practice because of its harm to worthiness. But can comparison ever be a good thing? Some research indicates that comparing ourselves upwardly to others—in other words, comparing ourselves to people who we view as “better” than we are in some way—can actually have some positive effects. These include: Improving our self-esteem, if we realize we have things in common with the person we think is “better” than we are. Clearly, we’re as “good” as they are in some respects. Facilitating self-improvement. Realizing that someone is “better than us” in a certain area can help us to improve, as we can learn from this “better” person and improve our own performance. This “better” person can also serve as an inspirational figure to motivate us to improve. Furthermore, a review of studies on social comparison in students found that students who compared themselves upwardly to higher-performing classmates improved their academic performance. However, the same review of studies notes that upward comparison also had harmful effects on students, such as feeling negative emotions and judging their own academic abilities more harshly. In sum, whether upward comparison can ever be wholly positive is unclear. Using Creativity to Fight Comparison If comparison is so damaging, why do so many of us engage in it? The answer is that letting go of comparison can be a tricky task: As Brown notes, this way of thinking is deeply ingrained in many of us. However, Brown believes that you can reduce your temptation to compare by recognizing and celebrating your individuality. Furthermore, she states that you can cultivate your sense of individuality by being creative. Paint, draw, sew, invent new recipes, sculpt, write: Do anything that indulges your creative side. According to Brown, being creative cultivates individuality because it involves producing something Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 23 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection original using your unique skills. Nobody else has the same creative skillset as you or expresses their creativity in the same way as you. Therefore, your creative talents represent a part of you that’s individual and incomparable. The Benefits of Creativity Creativity isn’t just beneficial to your sense of individuality. Research has shown that being creative can improve your mental and physical health in various other ways, too. For instance, a 2010 review of the existing literature on creativity’s health benefits found that being creative has beneficial effects like: Helping people to process trauma Reducing anxiety Enabling people to express difficult thoughts and emotions Reducing stress and compassion fatigue among carers Other research has suggested that creativity can improve the emotional wellbeing of dementia patients and assist with chronic pain management. One study even found that being creative can increase the CD4+ lymphocyte count of HIV patients—in effect, strengthening their immune systems. While researchers are still unclear on why creativity can have such potent health benefits, the evidence suggests that a link between creativity and improved health at least exists. Use Intuition An important part of being yourself is trusting, valuing, and using your intuition—your unique and individual gut feeling—when making decisions. This is Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly. According to Brown—who bases her view on the work of psychologists David G. Myers and Gerd Gigerenzer —when you use intuition, your brain uses information from your past experiences to quickly and unconsciously attach meaning to something you’ve just observed. The meaning that your brain decides upon when using intuition becomes your “gut feeling” about the situation. For example, imagine you observe someone being rude to your friend. Your mind will quickly scan through all of the information it has relating to rudeness and acceptable standards of behavior. In the past, you’ve learned that rudeness is hurtful to its target and generally socially unacceptable. Based on this information, your brain will attach the following gut feeling to the situation: that your friend is being mistreated, and that you should support them. (Shortform note: When discussing what intuition is and how it works, Brown doesn’t explicitly state how using intuition will bolster your worthiness (thus allowing you to live Wholeheartedly). However, we might infer that trusting your intuition, and believing that you can use it to make good decisions, will increase your feeling of worthiness. Instinctive decision-making will become an area in which you feel you’re “good enough.”) Barriers to Using Intuition Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 24 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Using your intuition may seem like a straightforward process. After all, you’re probably already doing it unconsciously and automatically. However, as Brown notes, many of us struggle to use intuition successfully. She argues that often, this is because we’re wary of accepting our gut feelings. According to Brown, this wariness comes from a combination of a lack of trust in our own judgment and the brain’s overwhelming need for certainty. Because we don’t trust ourselves to intuitively make the “correct” decision, we don’t feel certain that our gut feeling is right. Instinctively, humans hate uncertainty—and that hatred makes us reject the “uncertain” gut feeling. How can we learn to overcome our fear of uncertainty (and, consequently, become comfortable with following our intuition)? Brown suggests embracing faith. She doesn’t necessarily mean embracing religious faith; more, embracing the belief that things will work out, even if you can’t be certain that they will. Faith requires you to bravely let go of your fear of uncertainty and decide that even though you can’t be sure what’s ahead, you’re going to move forward and act anyway. (Shortform note: Brown doesn’t explore in detail the link between embracing faith and embracing intuition. One theory is that having faith helps you to use intuition because you become willing to act on your gut feeling, despite the risk that it’s wrong, because you have faith that it might be right.) Should We Always Follow Our Intuition? Is intuition always a useful process, and should we always have faith in our gut feelings? Perhaps not: As Malcolm Gladwell notes in Blink, the process of intuiting isn’t perfect, and it may not always lead to “correct” judgments. (Note that Gladwell refers to intuition as “unconscious thinking,” a term we’ll also use when discussing his work. Brown’s definition of intuition fits neatly with Gladwell’s concept of unconscious thinking: Both authors view this type of thinking as a powerful process that can lead us to make good decisions quickly, without realizing we’re doing it.) As Gladwell explains, sometimes, if we’re under stress, pressed for time, or have strong biases, our unconscious thinking can malfunction. The brain may make a faulty snap judgment that’s based on irrelevant, incorrect, or superficial information, rather than on the full breadth of the information available to it. For instance, imagine a person has an ingrained unconscious bias that female medical professionals are usually nurses, not doctors (a bias that exists, according to some research). If this person seeks treatment at a health facility and is greeted by a female clinician, their bias may overwhelm their unconscious thinking, leading them to intuitively believe that the clinician is a nurse, not a doctor, and greet them as such. If their unconscious mind had looked deeper at the situation, it may have noticed that the clinician wore a name tag identifying her as a doctor. However, overwhelmed by bias, it failed to do so, leading to the faulty snap judgment. This flaw of intuition doesn’t necessarily mean that we should have no faith in it, however: Our intuition does frequently get it right. Furthermore, as Gladwell notes, there are steps you can take to reduce the likelihood of unconscious thinking going wrong. One approach he suggests is to try to overcome the unconscious biases that sway your intuition in the wrong direction. You can do this by repeatedly exposing yourself to people or situations that challenge that bias. For instance, the person in the example above might try to always see female doctors rather than male ones. This will help their brain grow accustomed to the idea that women can be doctors as well as nurses, thus Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 25 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection reducing their bias. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 26 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Chapters 5-6, 11: Develop Inner Strength In this chapter, we’ll explore three more of Brown’s strategies for living Wholeheartedly. These strategies all involve developing inner strength: in other words, developing the fortitude necessary to fight unhealthy mental and emotional processes and adopt healthy ones instead. The strategies are: Combating perfectionism Building resilience Practicing stillness and calm Combat Perfectionism Brown’s first strategy for developing inner strength is fighting perfectionism. Brown notes that people often frame perfectionism as a positive thing: for instance, “trying to be the best version of yourself.” However, she believes that perfectionism is actually a damaging process that’s about trying to control people’s perceptions of you. It’s an attempt to gain approval and acceptance from others—and, crucially, avoid being shamed or judged by them—by hiding your flaws and projecting the image of being perfect. The Psychological Definition of Perfectionism In the world of psychological research, the definition of perfectionism is somewhat complex. The widely supported work of Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt—two prominent perfectionism researchers— contends that there are actually three different types of perfectionism: Perfectionism directed at the self (putting pressure on yourself to be perfect) Perfectionism directed at others (putting pressure on others to be perfect) Perfectionism borne of social pressure (others putting pressure on you to be perfect—or even you just thinking that others expect you to be perfect) Flett and Hewitt’s work has also found that perfectionism in any of its forms can be dangerous to mental and emotional wellbeing—an idea we’ll discuss next. The Dangers of Perfectionism Brown argues that perfectionism is dangerous to our well-being and sense of worth because it’s founded on completely unrealistic expectations. No matter how hard you try, you’re never going to be perfect or even successfully appear to be perfect: As Brown notes, none of us can hide our mistakes and imperfections all of the time. However, according to Brown, the perfectionist mindset won’t concede that it sets unrealistic standards. Instead, it makes you believe that you didn’t manage to project perfection because you weren’t good enough to meet its standards—for instance, you didn’t hide your flaws well enough. This attitude causes you to blame, shame, and judge yourself. As Brown points out, you end up experiencing the painful thoughts and emotions that you thought perfectionism would repel. Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 27 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Other Negative Effects of Perfectionism As well as causing you to shame, blame, and judge yourself, perfectionism can have various other negative effects. Research has linked it to increased vulnerability to depression and eating disorders, among other mental health conditions. Perfectionism may even be linked to suicide risk: Research conducted in Alaska found that almost 60% of suicide victims were perfectionists (according to people who knew them). Perfectionism can create specific difficulties for people in leadership roles. According to Robert Greene in The Laws of Human Nature, perfectionist leaders struggle because they want to control everything (and everyone) that’s within their sphere of influence (presumably so that they can ensure all work meets their standard of “perfection”). They refuse to delegate, create bottlenecks (since everything must be checked over by them), and feel unable to depend on their colleagues. Ultimately, they burn out, and they usually fail in their role. How to Fight Perfectionism It’s clear that perfectionism is highly damaging—so, how can we fight it? Brown outlines various strategies for overcoming perfectionism, some of which are developed further than others. Overall, we can synthesize her ideas into two practices: 1) Be kind to yourself. According to Brown, showing yourself compassion can help you to embrace your imperfections, rather than punish yourself for them or work desperately to hide them. She also claims that engaging in positive self-talk—talk that is encouraging and kind about yourself and your flaws, rather than critical and judgmental—can be instrumental in staving off perfectionism. (Shortform note: Engaging in compassionate self-talk can do more than just help you fight perfectionism. According to Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves in their book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, positive self-talk can also help you to overcome challenging times and keep your mood positive day-to-day.) 2) Alter your perception of shame and judgment. First, accept that you, like everyone else in the world, will always be vulnerable to these negative emotions. Brown doesn’t fully explain why accepting this fact will help to combat perfection, but she implies that doing so takes away perfectionism’s power. After all, perfectionism is rooted in the idea that you can avoid these emotions. Once you realize that you can’t, it becomes pointless. Second, focus on developing your shame resilience. Brown argues that having strong shame resilience will help you to accept your alleged “imperfections” rather than hide them because you won’t feel ashamed of them anymore. Another Way to Combat Perfectionism: Group Treatment On top of Brown’s recommendations, research has identified another successful approach to overcoming perfectionism: engaging in group psychological treatment. One study of perfectionist university students found that engaging in group counseling based around fighting perfectionism significantly reduced participating students’ harmful perfectionism, as well as their levels of anxiety and depression. Another study of adults also found that group therapy reduced perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and stress, with the positive results of the therapy still persisting three months Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 28 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection after treatment concluded. Even group therapy that isn’t solely focused on addressing perfectionism may be beneficial for perfectionists. One study found that group treatment for social phobia not only reduced participants’ social anxiety, but also had the side effect of reducing some types of perfectionism. Build Resilience Brown’s next strategy for living Wholeheartedly is building resilience. Brown’s research found that people who lived Wholeheartedly all had some resilience: They’d experienced struggles but had found a way to work through them. (Shortform note: Brown’s discussion of resilience suggests that if you lack resilience, living Wholeheartedly may be more difficult. You may be more vulnerable to threats to your worthiness. Any trauma or struggle can negatively impact how you feel about yourself. If you can't learn from and rise above those struggles, you're in danger of feeling that you're not worthy of a different, happier life.) In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown presents four strategies for generating resilience. While she presents the first three strategies as being sub-strategies of, or at least linked to, the fourth, most important strategy— embracing spirituality—it’s at times unclear how each practice connects to the theme of spirituality. For this reason, we’re going to discuss all four strategies separately: Strategy #1: Develop Hope You might think that hope is an emotion: the feeling of wanting something to happen. However, Brown, citing the research of the late psychologist C. R. Snyder, argues that this isn’t true. She supports Snyder’s assertion that hope is actually a way of thinking. According to Snyder, hope is a powerful combination of self-belief, goal-setting, and motivation—in other words, deciding what you want to achieve, believing you can achieve it, and having the grit to keep trying to achieve it, even in the face of challenges. According to Brown, if we don’t cultivate hope, we run the risk of feeling powerless: like we can’t achieve our dreams or improve our lives. It’s hard to be resilient if you feel that you can’t change your life for the better. The Other Benefits of Hope Developing a hopeful mindset won’t just help you to build resilience: Studies have shown that hopefulness can have various health benefits, too. For instance, being hopeful may help you to live a healthier lifestyle. One study found that college students with high levels of hope were more likely to limit their fat intake and exercise regularly. Another study found that hopeful people are more likely to adopt positive weight management behaviors, such as meal planning and being mindful of meal portion size. Furthermore, a review of the literature into hope and physical health notes that hope may be linked to: Having a higher pain tolerance Being able to emotionally cope with a cancer diagnosis Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 29 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Accepting and coping with injury or disability Just as having hope can benefit physical health, research suggests that hopelessness can present a severe risk to health. One study found that in men, high hopelessness was linked to negative health outcomes such as cancer, heart attacks, and violent death. Furthermore, research has linked hopelessness in college students to over-consumption of alcohol and smoking. Strategy #2: Critically Analyze Societal Messages That Harm Resilience As Brown notes, we constantly encounter messages in the media about what we “should” do—for example, how we should look and the products we should buy. These messages aren’t necessarily valid or realistic. For instance, a common societal message, often projected by the beauty industry, is that to be attractive, you must have clear skin and perfectly-styled hair—but this isn’t true. However, Brown argues that if you encounter these societal expectations often enough, you may start believing that they are valid. Furthermore, you might start to judge and shame yourself for not meeting them—which will harm your resilience. To avoid this damage to your resilience, Brown suggests practicing critical awareness. This means evaluating the media you consume and the expectations that it communicates: Are those expectations really valid or realistic? Would following them actually make your life better? Questioning the expectations will help you to realize that they’re unreasonable and that you shouldn’t try to live up to them. By keeping this in mind, you can protect your worthiness—and, consequently, your resilience. Which Media Gives Messages That We Should Critically Analyze? In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown highlights television commercials as a major source of harmful societal messages that we must critically analyze. For example, many commercials feature extremely slim people who are held up as models of beauty, perpetuating the expectation that to be thin, you must be beautiful—a message that warrants analysis, since it’s arguably neither valid nor realistic. However, commercials aren’t the only source of these harmful messages. In recent years, social media has also become a leading source of damaging societal expectations that we must view critically. For instance, there are concerns that content on Instagram—a platform that hit 1 billion monthly users in 2018—promotes various standards of living that are highly unrealistic, but that users feel they must adhere to. These include unrealistic beauty standards. On Instagram, users regularly “filter” and otherwise edit their photos to make themselves look slimmer, change the size of their facial features, and remove skin blemishes. These edited posts are often held up as a standard of beauty, despite the fact that they don’t reflect reality. In fact, these standards are so unrealistic that many women would need to have plastic surgery (or at least continue to heavily edit their photos) to achieve them. Such unrealistic and invalid standards are a prime target for critical analysis: Should we really be holding ourselves to standards that no person could naturally achieve? Strategy #3: Refuse to Numb Negative Emotions According to Brown, numbing is a common response to uncomfortable negative emotions. We’re afraid of feeling these emotions, so we try to “take the edge off” them—for instance, by consuming alcohol. The Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 30 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection problem with this approach is that numbing leads to positive emotions being dulled as well as negative ones—and being unable to feel positive emotions can harm your resilience. As Brown notes, one thing that helps us to get through tough times is recalling happier times. If you’re unable to fully experience positive emotions, you won't have as much positivity to draw on when you’re struggling. Instead of giving in to the temptation of numbing, Brown suggests forcing yourself to feel and address your negative emotions. For example, if you’re feeling sad, allow yourself to cry and fully explore the root of your sadness: where it's come from, and why it’s so powerful. (Shortform note: While feeling and understanding your negative emotions may help you to process them healthily, some authors believe that dwelling on these emotions—in other words, thinking about and analyzing them for too long—may be counterproductive. For instance, Daniel Goleman argues that extensively ruminating on difficult emotions like anger and anxiety can actually increase and extend your emotional pain, rather than helping you to manage it. In other words, addressing negative emotions may be a delicate balance: Don’t ignore or numb your feelings, but don’t let them consume you for too long, either.) Strategy #4: Embrace Spirituality During her research, Brown found that having a deep sense of spirituality is one of the most crucial factors in cultivating resilience. She defines spirituality as recognizing the existence of a higher power that connects us all. (The “higher power” in this equation could be a religious power, such a god, but it doesn’t have to be.) According to Brown, embracing spirituality increases resilience in a number of ways. For instance, she argues that the feeling of connection to others and a higher power that spirituality brings makes overcoming tough times feel easier. Being resilient is less challenging if you feel you’re not alone. (Shortform note: Embracing spirituality or religion may have more benefits to mental health than just increasing resilience. According to a report by UK charity The Mental Health Foundation, research links spirituality to decreased levels of depression and anxiety. Spiritual beliefs may also aid recovery from trauma. However, the report notes that the picture isn’t clear-cut: Research indicates that some forms of spirituality, such as strict religious observance, can trigger or worsen mental health issues.) Practice Stillness and Calm to Fight Anxiety Brown’s next strategy for developing inner strength and living Wholeheartedly is fighting anxiety. According to Brown’s research, people who live Wholeheartedly aren’t necessarily free from anxiety. Instead, they maintain an awareness of their anxiety while simultaneously looking for ways to reduce its impact. (Shortform note: Learning how to cope with anxiety is arguably becoming increasingly important as more and more people report feeling anxious. A study published in 2020 found that rates of anxiety increased in the United States between 2008 and 2018, particularly among young people. Another, earlier study also found that rates of anxiety increased in both young adults and children from the 1950s to the 1990s.) Practicing Stillness and Calm In Brown’s view (and from her personal experience), an effective way to reduce the impact of anxiety is to practice stillness and calm. Let’s look at each practice individually. Practicing Stillness According to Brown, practicing stillness means taking the time to be still and quiet. This might take Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 31 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection the form of praying, meditating, or just having some reflective alone time. Brown emphasizes that being still doesn’t mean clearing your mind of all thoughts—a daunting prospect for many of us. Instead, it’s about creating some quiet “space” in your mind which you can use to reflect and relax. Brown acknowledges that practicing stillness may be uncomfortable at first. Many of us actively avoid being still because having a constant background noise of thoughts in our minds helps to drown out uncomfortable, anxious thoughts—for instance, thoughts about our flaws or things we’re dissatisfied with. However, Brown notes that our anxiety will never recede if we don’t bring these thoughts to the surface and address them—and forcing ourselves to be still is an important part of this process. (Shortform note: Research suggests that various types of stillness—such as meditation, prayer, and mindfulness practice—can reduce symptoms of stress, anxiety, and even depression. To learn more about mindfulness—an increasingly popular stillness practice—read our guide to Mindfulness in Plain English, which presents mindfulness as a way to achieve mental peace and tranquility.) Practicing Calm Brown conceives practicing calm as a more complex process than being still. In her view, a major aspect of calmness is stopping yourself from acting on strong, reactionary emotions, particularly strong negative emotions such as anger or fear—something many of us are prone to doing when we’re in a stressful or unexpected situation. Brown notes that reactionary responses often make things worse, not least because we haven’t thought our response through. For example, if a colleague unexpectedly criticizes your work, your visceral reaction might be to criticize them right back or challenge them rudely. The results of this reaction will probably be overwhelmingly negative: The colleague is likely to get angry at you, which will create a conflict-ridden, anxiety-inducing situation. Meanwhile, if you curb your instant emotional reaction and respond to your colleague in a measured way—for instance, asking them how they’ve come to this conclusion about your work and what you might do to improve it—you’ll keep the situation calm. So, how can you stop yourself from being reactionary? Brown suggests taking a moment to breathe before you react. This gives you the time to think before you act and analyze whether acting on your emotions is the right approach. Other Ways to Keep Calm Brown isn’t alone in suggesting that pausing before you react can help you stay calm. Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, authors of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, also recommend this practice, although they conceive it as counting to 10 before you react, rather than pausing only briefly. > Here are some other soothing strategies to use during stressful or anxiety-inducing situations: Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, recommends challenging your anxious thoughts to promote calmness. For instance, if anxiety makes you think, “this situation is a disaster,” you might challenge the thought by asking, “is this situation really that bad? Will I even remember it in a week, a month, or a year? How might this situation actually turn out well?” Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 32 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Approaching a loved one and asking for a hug may also help you to keep calm. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk argues that physical touch such as hugging has a soothing effect, helping even victims of trauma to feel protected and calm. In The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale suggests that repeating calming words —such as “serenity” or “tranquility”—can promote inner peace and calmness. (In contrast, repeatedly saying or thinking anxious statements, such as “this is a disaster,” will only make you more anxious.) Exercise: Practice Self-Compassion to Fight Perfectionism Learn how to practice self-compassion to overcome perfectionism. Describe a situation in which you were very self-critical. What drove this self-criticism? Had you made a mistake, or failed in some way? Consider how perfectionism may have played a part in this incident. Did you strive to appear perfect, only to fall short? Were you criticizing yourself for failing to meet impossible standards? Imagine you had the chance to react to the same situation again. How could you treat yourself in a more compassionate way? (Remember the three tools of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.) Exercise: Practice Calm to Fight Anxiety Learn how to practice calm in stressful situations. Describe a recent situation in which you struggled to remain calm. What made the situation so stressful? Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 33 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Did the situation trigger any strong negative emotions—for example, anger or fear? How did these emotions influence your reaction to the situation? (For instance, did they cause you to hastily act in a way that you now regret?) Imagine you’re faced with a similar situation in the future. What could you do to stop yourself from having an instant emotional reaction? (Remember: Pausing before you react and challenging anxious thoughts are two practices that can help you to keep your emotions in check.) Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 34 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection Chapters 7, 10, 12-13: Foster Happiness and Joy In this chapter of the guide, we’ll explore Brown’s final four strategies for living Wholeheartedly. All of the following practices not only facilitate Wholehearted living but can also help you to find either happiness or joy more broadly: Find meaningful work that uses your gifts and talents. Embrace rest and play. Practice gratitude. Laugh, sing, and dance. Note that Brown conceives happiness and joy as two distinct emotions, as we’ll discuss when we explore practicing gratitude. Find Meaningful Work That Uses Your Gifts and Talents One strategy for finding happiness and living Wholeheartedly is finding meaningful work. In Brown’s view, meaningful work is work that enables you to use your gifts and talents. This work might be paid work (although Brown acknowledges that finding a job that perfectly fits your skillset is difficult). However, it doesn’t have to be: Meaningful work can be anything from parenting, to volunteering, to engaging in a hobby. According to Brown, failing to find meaningful work that uses your gifts and talents can trigger numerous negative emotions, like shame and anger. In contrast, finding meaningful work can provide such benefits as increased happiness and fulfillment, increased sense of purpose and, if you’re spiritual or religious, a feeling of being closer to your higher power. (Shortform note: Brown doesn’t fully explain how finding meaningful work can increase your sense of connection to a higher power, but her discussion suggests that this connection deepens because, through your meaningful work, you’re making the most of the gifts and talents that this higher power gave you and fulfilling its purpose for you.) Meaningful Work and Worthiness In this section, Brown doesn’t explicitly address how finding meaningful work that uses your gifts and talents (or not doing so) can impact your worthiness. However, she implies that not finding meaningful work affects your worthiness negatively. By not incorporating your talents into your daily life through such work, you may believe that you’re not contributing your full potential to the world, making you feel a sense of worthlessness. Conversely, each time you engage in meaningful work, you’ll be reminded that you’re good at something: the gift or talent that this work uses. This will increase your sense of worthiness. An Alternative Perspective on Defining and Finding Meaningful Work Brown isn’t the only author to try to define what makes work meaningful. For instance, in Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell argues that meaningful work must have three components: It must be complex: for instance, involve enough tasks of a varied enough nature to be Prepared for [email protected] for restricted individual use 35 Summary: The Gifts of Imperfection intellectually and creatively engaging. It must give the worker autonomy: in other words, control over what they do. There must be a clear positive correlation between hard work and reward: In other words, the harder a person works, the greater their reward must be. In Gladwell’s view, even work that we might assume to be tedious—for instance, working in a manufacturing plant, producing the same plastic items every day—can bring happiness and fulfillment if it incorporates these three elements. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown states that Gladwell’s concept of meaningful work is compatible with Wholehearted Living. However, it’s worth noting that the two authors’ definitions of this type of work differ. For instance, Gladwell doesn’t mention using your gifts and talents as a key component of meaningful work, while Brown does. Furthermore, Gladwell mainly discusses meaningful work in the context of paid employment. In contrast, Brown presents meaningful work as any work that brings you meaning—paid or otherwise. Barriers to Engaging in Meaningful Work During her discussion of meaningful work, Brown touches on a major barrier you may face when trying to engage in it: self-doubt. Self-doubt can take many forms. Brown notes that some people doubt they have gifts and talents that are “good enough” to use in meaningful work. (For example, you might believe that you’re better than average at cooking, but not good enough to become a professional chef.) Others doubt that they have any gifts and talents at all. These self-doubtful attitudes hinder meaningful work because if you don’t believe you have gifts and talents that are worth using, you won’t try to find meaningful work that uses them. Another common doubt is wondering whether pursuing paid meaningful work is the “right” choice, particularly if such work is low-paid or carries little prestige. You might worry that people will look down on you for engaging in such work, even if it makes you happy. In Brown’s view, a powerful way to overcome these self-doubts is to first, accept that they exist: We can’t address things that we don’t acknowledge. Then, commit the doubts to paper: Write them out in full. Brown believes that writing your doubts down will give you a clear opportunity to challenge them and remove their power over you. To challenge the doubt that you have any gifts or talents, you might ask yourself why you feel like you’re talentless. Is it because a bully once told you so? If so, why should you listen to that bully? They weren’t telling the truth—they were just trying to hurt you. In all likelihood, you do have gifts and talents that the bully simply chose to ignore. Other Strategies for Overcoming Self-Doubt In addition to Brown, many other authors have tried to answer the question of how to combat self- doubt. For example, in The Secret, Rhonda Byrne suggests replacing self-doubtful thoughts with positive ones such as “I can do this.” In the context of finding meaningful work, you might say to yourself, “I do have gifts and talents that I can channel into meaningful work,” or “My meanin